Scared to sleep

Dedication: To all woman who are experiencing loss and pain

April 16, 2020
I’m scared of night time. I’m scared of sleep. I have a lot of sleepless nights, palpitations in the middle of the night, panic attack, nervousness. My mind is killing me, in these events I turn to God and pray. I pray hard so that the devil in my head will disappear. I realized that my enemy here is my thoughts and myself.

My husband and I decided to stay for the meantime at their house, no COVID case, a little bit of noise won’t hurt. I needed that. Quietness makes my thought speak louder day by day. Its also a feeling that as if I’m imprisoned inside my home. I don’t know if its just the thought of having my daughter’s urn inside our house that gives me chills from time to time. Or maybe I just needed a different scenery.

With God’s mercy, I slept peacefully and well that day. I have sweet dreams, no heavy heart, no palpitations at night. I’m slowly curing myself. I’m giving a flashback of what happened to my daughter and amazingly its not painful anymore to think about. I don’t know if its because of I’m in a different house and there are different people around me.

I think I would never be the same again. I am not the old me anymore, always jolly, funny and positive. I have this feeling of emptiness which holds back my happiness. A little laugh, a little smile makes me feel uneasy. I lost a mother; I lost a daughter—both so precious and special in my heart. I know God is grieving with me, He wipes away my tears, He is embracing me, carrying me when my feet are weak, when I’m feeling down. Why do I know this? because, I’m still alive, I’m still breathing, I’m still looking forward for tomorrow. I still have plans, I still have my husband and most especially I still have a son.