No ones judgement is harder then your own

When I started highschool I was in a mentally exhausting relationship, I was an honors/AP student and I started cheerleading. It was a lot, not only on my body, but also on my mind. I would find myself drained and emotionless after school and I could never find the motivation to even get out of bed. Over the course of 3 months my mental health started a steep downward slope and I found myself wondering what I was even doing alive. This lead me to a chain of negative coping skills connected with my own self hatred. I told myself over and over again that it would get better, because everyone always says that, but for some reason my mind would never listen. I struggled a lot with friend drama and family issues so I never felt like I had anyone to talk to. And it led me to February 5th. This a a date that will forever hold a place in my heart and this is why. February 5th started as a normal day but as the day went on more and more issues started to arise. I was being blamed for starting a rumor about my friend, and it may not seem like a big deal but for me it was. I had text messages saying that I was disgusting and that I didn’t deserve friends. I was in an argument with my mom and I had no one to turn to. I remember sitting in my room, tears rolling down my face, feeling worthless. 5 minutes passes and there are 4 police cars in my driveway. At this time my mom is screaming at me but I still feel numb. I am taken to a hospital after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I spent 8 days in Child Adolescent Psychiatric Unit. I wasn’t able to see anyone or talk to anyone but my mom. And for me those 8 days were the most significant days in my life. I got to realize that no matter what situation I’m in and no matter where I am, I will ALWAYS have to live with myself. So why hate who I am? Why spend my life miserable with who I am instead of just changing what I don’t like? So leaving the hospital, I promised myself to do better. I promised myself that no matter how hard things would get that I would never let myself get to that point again. And thanks to all the help of my teachers and counselors I am a totally different person now. Having a mental illness will never be easy. There will probably never be a day where I don’t struggle. And there will probably never be a day where you don’t struggle either. But with struggles you become more and more resilient. And that’s what life if about. It doesn’t matter if you are different. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is. It doesn’t matter your gender or weight or academic achievement. It matters who you are on the inside and how you deal with the curve balls that life throws. Going to my school makes life seem a lot harder than it actually is due to all of the judgement. But in reality no ones judgement is harder on you then your own. My experiences may have been very difficult but with that they have also made me who I am today, and I am forever thankful for that.

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