Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like I grew up too fast. Always on the road with my mother for baseball tournament was fun from what I remember. I was told from family members that I was so loud and talkative, but from what I remember is being so quiet. My mother was always working if not drinking or leaving so I’ve always stayed with babysitters alot. The first time I’ve ever been bother from my own uncle was the age of 6 years old. He’s always made sure that I stayed quiet and not say a word. I’ve tried telling my mom but she was always under the influence so she wouldn’t hear me out. Then my mama met my little siblings father, so I had to get use to having step siblings around little did my mom know that me and my brother always got bullied from them alot, I was about 7 when I always woke up for school and got my siblings up for school and got myself and my little brother ready. Fed him and myself. other times we would be with other family members babysiting us and that’s where the other uncle came in the picture and little did they know that he was bother me and my other cousin Everytime we get dropped off there. I would try tell my mother about that but again she was under the influence. I started journaling writing what I felt, write down my imaginary happy place. Which would be mountains with a waterfall trees on one side and open field on the other. With the sunset seeing butterflies and flowers me dancing around in a nice dress seeing the sounds of the waterfall with the song in the background playing. Hush little baby it was the only happy memory I had when my mom would sing that to me as I go to bed. That was my escape place whenever something happened to me or whenever I felt alone and sad. Since then I learned to just write in books and just take them with me wherever I would go. Once I was down journaling I would go outside and just explore the nature. I’ve always felt so drawn to be in nature to feel myself. I’ve always enjoyed being at my aunties place because my late grandmother was always there and I was always happy to be around her presence. Always seeing her smile and speak cree, always jumper for her right away without being asked a second time when she would need something done. Then we would end up at my uncle’s place where my 2 cousins who we were close with. Started getting bullied sometimes from my uncle’s girlfriends daughters. Other times get bother from the daughter’s cousin. At one point my mother left us there for a awhile during Christmas and that just broke me and my brother. We just wanted our mother but she was out partying, but the best thing out of that day was when our 2 cousins let me and my brother choose a gift out of there presents. I’ve always felt like I never belonged anywhere, like no one could understand me. Whenever I would be outside alone I ended up making my own imaginary friend who understood me. I always felt like the weird kid, the outcast. The years past and we started getting left with my step brothers and sisters, and again they were always bullying me and my brother and once my Steph brother tried to bother me and then he started to brother me and get my brother to join and he tried to make us brother each other until I screamed and went running to my mom. Anyway finally we moved from that reservation called big island lake, we had move to my aunties and she was staying in pierceland a little town only 30 mins away from the reservation, stayed there until moved with my mother to onion lake where we would travel to school in lloydminster. Once she had found a place in lloydminster we moved in and I was happy moving far away from family. Don’t get me wrong I love my family but being through that as a child I wanted to leave so bad. So once we settled in I was enjoying the happiness of being out in a city and I was thinking things would get better from there. Enjoying the new school new friends new life but soon it started happening, my mother became mean towards me and my brother, having me babysit my 3 siblings while she go out and party then she met my step father which I thought would be good cause then I thought my mother would slow down on drinking but nope parties started to happen at the house more and the arguing between them would get worse. Years went by and I was still always babysiting my siblings I wouldn’t be aloud to go visit friends that much cause if I wasn’t babysitting for work it was for her to go out. Then she started struggling so she had me get a job at 12 and I would have to help her with bills and the abusing started and would only get worse. The jealousy she started having over me thinking my step father was messing around with me. Music and writing was my escape from the world when I started to feel unloved & depressed. A year past and I went from doing the paper route at 12 to working at A&W at 13. I felt so stressed and depressed. Work school and babysiting at such an age. I hardly got my childhood and my teen years. Throughout the years I went from working A&W to Wendy’s I started to act out within those years because I was tired of doing all that. Skipping school smoking weed. Only help for sometime until I met people that became friends who paried alot so I ended up drinking. My mom would be so mad and her only way to handle me was send me out to family and live with them. But I was the same way out there drinking smoking weed. Going to school until my mom would want me back because she would be struggling with bills and sitters. So I would go back and I found a job again which was Arby’s it was the same all over again abuse anger and work school and babysitting. Until they were old enough to be alone I started feeling worse stress and depression, so I would go and drink skip school. Until one day I went with the wrong crowd of people to a house party asll because I wanted to see what it felt like to hang out with the popular crowd. Little did I know I ended up getting drugged and bothered in a room full of guys and no one bothered to say a thing about it. I woke up on the couch and I just took off walking and felt like something was wrong, like something happened but I couldn’t figure it out. Days went on I noticed people started to look at me at school weird and people talking about me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed not knowing what was going on. So I would take of and go drink and drink until I could numb the feelings. I ended up moving once again back to my family members and I just do what I do school drink and stay home. Before I knew I was back to lloydminster and the one person who made me feel loved and cart for was late Kelly heathen. So when I moved back to lloyd he was the person I would message first until we slowly started drifting apart and ended up at another party where shit ended up happening again. This time I wasn’t even told about it and still to this day idk what all happened at that party. Then school was starting and I was terrified of going to high school. The 2 girls I thought were best friends left me alone the first day without even an explanation. Ignored me the whole day so my first day I was walking around alone and looked at as a terrible person . Then after school one of the girls older sister tried to fight me and just made a scene infront of alot of student and embarrassed me. I felt like I just wanted to end my life after that. I couldn’t even talk to my own mother about anything cause she even made me feel like a disappointment and like she judge me. I just felt like I couldn’t open up at all, because growing up I’ve tried to but I always felt like she wouldn’t listen to me. From shutting down because of my thoughts telling me that I wouldn’t be heard. That’s why I was so quiet. People didn’t know my whole story they only know what was said about me and I just didnt feel like I had my point to prove, or I didn’t feel like I need my side of the story to be heard. Then I met my kids father and I thought I was really loved but instead I was only mentally & emotionally unstable form that relationship. Right from the start it was always cheating & lying. He always made me feel like I couldn’t have another guy jn my life, he would say the meanest things. And I aloud that to happen for 10 years until it took him having a baby with my own family member for me to cut ties officially. I was so broken, I felt so damaged for a whole year I shut down in depression. From my kids father to my family at home saying the worst things to and about me. Drive me to drinking and starting drugs. Started doing cocaine. Once I got addicted to not feeling those feeling from the drug. I ended up using that as an escape, a whole year of being out down, pushed around and used. From everyone around me I quit drinking and started to shut down completely and just stayed home in my room for months after 5 months. I met this guy who ended up getting me to go out again hang out and just chill. Started to pick me up to socialize then I fell for him and that was what scared me because we werent even a couple just friends. Then he broke my heart and ended up in jail. So I cubtined to just go on with my days hanging out with people meeting more people moving on from that heart ache. So he got ahold of me from jail and started calling alot more. Ended up becoming best friends. Then I met this other guy who made things so much worst. I was getting used the whole time for rides money a place to stay. I ended up worse started drinking more and more started doing meth and went down hill from there. Once my everything ended his life it was like I just felt full on alone damaged and over the edge, I was so alone. Judged. Used. Betrayed. Unheard. Unloved, unwanted, misunderstood, felt so damaged, lost, depressed, stressed, completely heart broken. Throughout all of that I always felt like everytime I was happy it wouldn’t last long and it felt like once I was happy my family would find some way to bring me back down. I begged so hard for God to help me. I cried so much and prayed so much. I was feeling so much ugly negative feelings that I tried to end my life and my family somehow manage to bring me down more because of that, they called me dramatic or over reacting. I knew I should’ve got the help by getting counseling but at that point I felt like I didn’t even wanna try anymore that’s how bad everyone made me feel like a disappointment and someone who wasn’t cared for especially being told that the one person wouldn’t care if I was six feet under. Alot was said and done to me that knocked me down so much but I just come to realize how strong I am, how far I’ve become, how hard I fought to stay alive and beat these painful battles. I’m a warrior that’s proud to show off my battle scars, because after everything I’ve been through I’m still a kindhearted, loving, caring mother who still gives out love like I’ve never been damaged. Now I’m officially starting my healing journey, got out of my comfort zone and moved to a city with just me and my 4 kids. Trying to heal and better myself and start a new chapter.
I’m a single 28 year old mother of 4 children, ages 11/9/7/5