I do belong and I will be successful

I’m not really sure where to start, but I’ve had the need to open up and share what I’ve been through maybe to possibly help younger teens and younger kids having a difficult time or finding the need to stay quiet and never ask for help. I want to share my story, all though I am still young myself I’d like to share my story because looking back at what I’ve been through can possibly encourage or motivate these young teens growing up. When I was young I grew up with my mom and my grandparents I also had a older brother. My father was no good for any of us he was not in the picture and you can say that it was definitely for the best. When I was 7 years old I had been to a therapist, put on medication for anger and things a 7 year old girl shouldn’t have to go through. I had no say however it was my moms decision what she thought would be best for me. As I grew older my mom found someone new got married had another boy which led me to having a little brother. I was so excited for him to be apart of our family little did I know that it would take a lot of time with him and I started to feel pushed away like I had no one by my side although my mom and grandparents were still there, I felt he had all the love when he arrived. So me, my mom and little brother who wasn’t even a year old yet ended up in motels and bouncing place to place my mom wasn’t financially okay she spent so much money on supporting us that she never supported herself and struggled to find help from anyone. I was young than maybe about 11 years old when my little brother arrived but I couldn’t do much but try my best to help. We were able to move in with her husband and his family the three of us while my older brother stayed with my grandparents because they had room for him there. It worked best for us that way. Down the line they got divorced it was a lot of things happening and the environment was not good for any of us. We happened to get lucky to move in a one bedroom apartment which was behind a pizzeria and right near the dumpsters behind the building . It wasn’t the biggest place or the best place but it was home for now. We had to end up moving again this time to a place where the landlord would come in when we weren’t home, scratch the walls up and there would be little damages here and there that I would get blamed for doing. My mom never believed I wasn’t the one doing it until someone saw him go into our apartment one day when we were not home. Well, we had to move again but this time it was a better move. We got older and my mom was able to hold onto a little more money she put her name in a raffle for these brand new town homes hoping to get accepted her name being pulled would be a blessing! That is just what happened, she got a call that we got accepted to our first steady home. It was a 3 bedroom apartment, a garage, 2 and a half bathrooms, a nice big living room in a complex in a nice quiet area. It’s been about 6 years now since we moved in! To this day that is still our home, in this case not mine no more. After we moved in I found myself getting in a lot of trouble. Hanging with the wrong people kids who had behavioral issues and kids who’s parents didn’t really care what time they came home and had close to no rules which I found cool at the time. My mom and I started bumping heads alot. Cops would be called every other day to the house and take me to crisis where sometimes they would admit me to stay a week or longer and change my medications and watch me, see how I am, how my temper and anger is . Since 7 I was in therapy up until that time which I was about 13 when I first got admitted to the hospital while still continuing therapy I felt it became so much. 13 I went to my first group home I started fighting, running away, falling behind in school and taking everything in life as a joke. I wanted my mom more than ever and she wanted to do what she was saying was best for me, I did not feel that way. 13 I ended up in a juvenile detention center where at court my mom decided to take me home and see how I do and I was still not doing right So at age 14 I went home for a year and by 15 I was in yet another group home after that one I went to another one without going home only weekend visits if I earned them sometimes day visits depending on me and my behavior. By 17 years old, yes I was still on medication , in therapy, and in a group home. 17 is when I found myself going home. However my mom didn’t want that she did not want me home she wanted me to go to another program to make sure I’m good and I’m stable and no more anger. We had some good times but alot of bad to. I never meant to mess up but somehow it was always my fault and my actions. I was never able to work, it was school and home even no matter how old I was if I wasn’t with my mom I wasn’t aloud no where unsupervised without her. I did not like it. When I turned 18 we got in yet another argument most of them about phones I wasn’t aloud to have a phone either growing up, she said I did things I shouldn’t do, I talked to people I had no business speaking to. But when you grow up in all behavioral schools the only people you know are the people you go to school with she just had no trust for me. It makes sense though I was a known run away, named as a flight risk in programs, an aggressor, someone who’s always fighting and always being defiant and never wanting to take my medication. So I turned 18 and she told me to leave I refused to leave the house until one day she took the phone I bought, instead of sneaking it I bought it she was aware of it and she took it from me and I lost it I felt she just didn’t want me doing anything so I kicked a door and I left. So I packed a book bag if I couldn’t carry it I did not take it and I found myself on the train on my way to New York. Out there I was homeless . For 2 weeks I stayed outside slept on benches trying to stay awake and fight my sleep because I didn’t feel safe. All I can think is when will I feel safe again. At this time I was still in school trying to remain on a good track with school it was all virtual because of COVID and precautions. I charged my phone at the charging stations out there where I would sometimes sit on the floor in front of it and charge my phone and doze off a little bit. I had no money no food no drinks sometimes people would ask for help and give me a dollar. Enough to get a Arizona for that whole $1 or a 25 cent bag of chips from the corner store. To get where I needed to go i would jump the gate on the subway and go where I needed. But eventually I couldn’t do it no more my feet had blisters so bad I could barely walk I had vans on and those are not good for walking shoes. My mom finally agreed to bring me back into her house I stayed for a little while until again another argument after another argument and the same thing happened. This time I found my self with a book bag and at a park near my house I didn’t go far I didn’t want to go far I just wanted to give my mom a break to calm down. She called the cops they spoke to me on the phone and because I was 18 they couldn’t do anything couldn’t pick me up and take me back home I was officially legal. The next day a cop came and found me I wish I would’ve remembered his name. He tried to get me in the house but my older brother didn’t let me in he said my mom doesn’t want me there so the cop called people he knows and he got me into a hotel for one night from a service that our town has that helps people who have nothing and are in tough times. While there I called shelters all around I called my therapist I called my case manager (CMO worker) and a shelter reached back out and said I can go there the next day. My CMO picked me up and brought me to the shelter I was very nervous about it but I had no choice it was a roof over my head and food to eat. While there I tried looking for jobs I had no money no income I had barely any clothes. Shelter provided soap and hygiene items for me so I was good. I had to basically restart. I found myself wanting to give up often but September came and school opened back up in person I went for like a week in person than continued virtually it’s my senior year I thought so I was trying to make it work. Being on the streets and where ever I was I always kept in contact with my teachers and tried to get as much work in as possible the end of September the shelter kicked me out. I found myself homeless again restarting with the book bag again and in laundry rooms, hallways, bus stops finding somewhere to sit and sleep a little bit. Along that whole time process I met someone and he stayed with me outside he stayed with me the whole way no money no food nothing. He introduced me to his family and luckily they let me live there with him until I can get on my feet. Well that being said it wasn’t a easy thing. Me and him would bump heads and all the stress it just became a lot for me to handle in my situation but I had to remember he has his issues going on just as I do mine. We tried to spend time together and time apart like outside and all that so we wouldn’t be so cooped up in the house together so we wouldn’t argue. A few months later I found out I was pregnant … I heard it all “your not mentally stable” “get an abortion” just alot of things I didn’t need. I didn’t listen though I had hope and I had alot of it. Me and him kept our baby. I’m currently still carrying this baby as I write this. We couldn’t live with his family no more so we have been staying with his friend. Me knowing I need to do something and do something quick to make sure our child will be okay was a priority for me now. I found out it was a boy, I make sure I don’t miss any appointments I got a income I’m graduating next month in June. I have an apartment with my boyfriend we move into in a week! And I feel more hope as i go on. Besides all the doubt I’ve gotten from everyone I’ve always tried to find a better way for everything. Now me leaving home, very hard thing to do. Me having to pick my mom over my boyfriend also very hard to do. I felt I had to pick only one because my mom doesn’t like him because he accepted me when I left her house and she thinks it’s wrong. I get it she worries I tried
So hard for this whole year of being in this
Situation im in to just have her by my side and it never worked it never would work. So im doing what I feel is best. Im so thankful I’ve had my grandfather to call every day just to say hey and goodnight. He is someone who’s kept me going just as well. I always had a bond with my grandfather and although I know he isn’t proud of my choices he still hasn’t turnt his back on me he hasn’t done anything to me to hurt me bring me down or any of that. Now growing up yes I can say I was a trouble maker I took everything as a joke medicine, therapy, all the help I took it as my mom just wanting me away because she couldn’t handle me. Now maybe that was the case and I’ll always have love for her I’ll always want to call her but I never have the urge to press the dial button it’s hard I don’t know what to say I get speechless I know I didn’t do right how she wanted me to live my life but I am happy and even if she doesn’t see I’m happy or know I’m happy. I’m happy I feel relief I feel like I’m getting to be a better version of me I want her to know that but she just might not accept it or want to accept it. No one ever asked me how I felt on medicine or how I felt in group homes it was always a diagnoses of mental disorders and anger issues and trying to talk about trauma and history that I felt no effect for. I was a child who grew up jealous of a baby boy who I felt stole my moms heart from me and I grew up older and felt pushed aside, left out, like I was the bad guy in the picture. I had so much sadness that it might have become anger taken out on the wrong people but that sadness built up I felt hurt I was just a girl with a damaged childhood because something that caused “trauma” and a hurt girl who wanted nothing more than to feel the love I wanted from my mom. I never got it though. To this day it hurts me and it’s crazy because me writing this made me realize why I did what I did and it’s nothing against my little brother I love him he’s always made me smile when I’m around him but when he arrived I was jealous and writing this i am now realizing all of this was coming from a young teen being jealous of a baby, a baby who needed his mom more than I needed her because I knew how to do things on my own. It was his turn to get the attention so he can be great in life as well. Although being 18 did make me more humble I don’t have anger I don’t have none in me no more . I have a home to call my own now and a boyfriend who is still here for me and a baby on the way. Although I want my mom to accept a part of what I’m doing she finds it wrong and I understand, teen moms and young relationships isn’t a typical thing to do in some eyes. One day I hope she’ll see I knew what I was doing and I felt happy. I just don’t want no other people ever feeling the need to want to walk away and feel useless, powerless. If your a parent at that I’d say look after your kids and all of them you never know what anyone goes through now a days and alot of times us young kids/teens stay quiet because we don’t want people to worry for us. I just wish I had people to check on me make sure I’m okay . Tuck me in at night say they love me and never let me feel like I don’t belong. I do belong and I will be successful and I am graduating in a month and I am going to do my best and do everything I can for my family. No one deserves to be on the streets or treated like they’re no one. Everyone has a story and by looking at someone they can look so normal but they can be so hurt and so broken. No matter who it is always look out for people please. Because when I was lower than I was now I had no one but myself and it was a very lonely and dark place for me. I’m glad I found the motivation I needed to get on my feet and find a way to provide and take care of myself again and build myself up again. I hope others can as well. Times get dark but it’s never permanent. Everyone has a purpose it may be hard now or in the future but it’ll always work out and it’ll always get better. Trust the process and have hope and have faith and you will see what wonderful things can come from it.