When your body says “Reset”

Dedication: I dedicate it to me and every helper in the world feeling tired

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but recently i have just been tired, not from doing anything, but one moment am okay, and the next one am battling whether to complete that proposal or just let it pass. For those who might wonder what i do, am the founder of an organization that works with survivors of sexual violence and human trafficking and the last 2 years i have been running a safehouse that shelters, educates and empowers survivors. 1st June 2022, i was celebrating the second anniversary but in a very different way, i felt drained, i felt challenged to do more but the constant feeling was “the need to ask for help because i cant do it all on my own ” i need help , but no one seems to care or notice because they all think ” am a hero”. but real heroes rest, right?

One morning i woke up and felt a very deep urge that my life needed a rest, i was tired of carrying the guilt, shame, anger and all the negative emotions i have been holding on since 2022 started, i was tired of preaching water and taking wine as they say, so i locked myself in the room, closed my eyes for meditation and all my thoughts were telling me was “You need a rest Pauline” you need to go slow, and it was like the universe and my body were speaking the same language because even my numerology reading this day directed me to slow down and rest.

Its few days now my body is finding rest, but my mind is all over because i haven’t given it what it craves for…… asking for help, you see, am a helper, i love and enjoy running the safehouse and the organization, but some days all this emotions became too overwhelming and we don’t know what to do with them anymore, i have realized i have suppressed most of my dreams and buried them and now the graveyard is noisy and all this dreams are fighting so hard to be seen and given attention, who kills their dreams anyway? It only happens when you have held on to so much that you have no space for new hope and dreams.

This should be a sad story, so am gonna stop there and remind every helper in the universe, all those who hold candles when the world is dark, to those who give hope and become a shoulder to lean on, there is a place up there for people like you. Everyday comes with its new challenges but life is slowly teaching me that its all within, everything that I need is all within me and the power i have is in choices, and today I choose to love, live and thrive and that means i will ask for help.

How about you hug your friends so tightly today, how about you smile at that stranger today? How about you share that which you have with the needy, the world needs more people like you, the world needs people who are going to heal the wounds and kind enough to be gracious with themselves, this world need me and you! Enjoy a little bit of poetry i dedicate it to the little girl i was

Dear Akinyi
You are beautiful
Come out of that shell
We are safe
We can speak for ourself now
We can do this together

Am sorry for all the moments you went through violence with your mouth shut
You didn’t know better
No one taught you better
But now that you know
Rise up
Forgive yourself
And be that who you have wanted to be for a long time
A star

I know you have been told over and over again that your dreams are crazy
so you found comfort in hiding your dreams and blaming poverty
But its time to rise and chase those dreams again
Its time to break them back to life
Its time to live your dreams
The universe has given you a signal
You are alive
Rise up little Akinyi
And go for that which you deserve
You were born to win

Photo credit: Image provided by the storyteller.

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Akinyi Juma

My name is Pauline Akinyi Juma , am a storyteller , mother , friend , sister and a community servant leader , i thrive in my authenticity and the last 3 years i have been running an organization called Rebirth of a Queen that supports survivors of sexual violence and human trafficking. I dream of a better world for women , girls and children , i dream of a world where no human will live in trauma and free society of love . Am sure we can do it , it starts with me and you.