Dedication: I would like to dedicate this story to my awesome 5, almost 6, year old son Jason Netti. I would also like to dedicate this story to my forever beautiful mom, Barbara Ann Riccardi, who is now in heaven.
What is More Difficult: Losing a Mother or Becoming a Mother?
Is that a stupid question? Losing a 63 year old mother to pancreatic cancer was extremely difficult, especially when your mother is Barbara Ann Riccardi, but giving birth to your one and only child less than two months after made her passing so much harder. Barbara was something else and I’m not just making that familiar type of comment because I was lucky enough to be her daughter, but she really did have a lasting impact on so many people. Like many others in this world, she did not have an easy life. She faced a lot, but somehow, she overcame it all and she never showed any signs of pain. When we are sad or putting up with any type of battle, we find the right person to vent to, but she mostly just kept it to herself.
If I started going into detail about the serious, painful situations that Barbara unfortunately went through in her life, I would not be able to stop. To sum it up, the biggest tragedy in her life was the loss of her first child, my 25 year old brother, and that occurred a few years after her husband’s, my father’s sudden death. He was 40 years old. Somehow she hid her depression from everyone and continued on with her life. Well, I should not say continued on with her life, because her main focus was the lives and well-being of everyone else around her.
When Barbara was in her early 50s, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She overcame this form of cancer, but it eventually spread to her lungs and then to her liver/pancreas. By the way she hid a lot about the cancer from others, so even though she did not fully return to herself after the colon cancer, she seemed to be just fine. We, the ones who love her, cannot really believe she can possibly be taken away from us, but honestly, she was not the same old Barbara, who was always ready for anything. Something was wrong, or maybe a lot was wrong.
Although she admitted to us that something was spotted on her pancreas, she made us believe that we did not have to worry about her. How could I not worry about her, especially after finding out that my husband and I were going to be parents in April 2019? Hmmm, so I never did much without my mom and when she could not be somewhere important with me or not even so important, she still received all the information about it from me. I am her third child so my mom had to be there and help with almost everything in my life, even after I was married. She has to be there to help me raise a child, right?
Grief is such a “you know what” battle, a word that I will keep from using here. Barbara was taken to Calvary Hospital in NY from Memorial Sloan Kettering in February 2019 and I said my final goodbye to her on Valentine’s Day. Denial after a loss is not a joke. Reminding myself that I was going to be giving birth to a marvelous, little boy with the name of Jason on April 3, 2019 had to happen over and over again. I always loved the name Jason, but I treasured it even more because my mom was convinced that I was going to be a boy when she was pregnant with me, and Jason was the name that was going to be given to me.
I lost the most loving, the most caring, and in my eyes, the most beautiful person that I have ever been given the opportunity to be around for 34 years and then I gave birth. What do I do? I cannot call my mother every time this little boy cries, pukes, laughs, speaks, so I guess I’ll just deal with it. Children, like Jason, are not easy and being a mom is wild! One minute or week or month, life seems alright, then you start to face issues before and while they are in preschool like “Jason needs speech therapy and maybe occupational therapy, let’s throw in some physical therapy too, and here is another issue we have with him.” I wish I was able to ask my mom what she thinks, but I did it. Everything we have faced so far with him has been stressful and wonderful too. Every year, there is nothing like looking back and reminding yourself of the spectacular growth your child has made, no matter how small or big that you think it is, because honestly, it is most likely one important, memorable step or more than one step. Jason is a happy, hyper, fun, interesting little boy that constantly makes me wonder how in the world do I do this without her.
Whether you have parents in your life to guide you or do not, parenting will never be labeled as easy. Many people, like myself, always point out what I think I do wrong, but we should not constantly do that. For example, my child might not have eaten the healthiest today, but he did eat, right? I sent my child to school today in the pants that are starting to get snug on him, but he has clothes, right? I have to buy my child this toy because he wants it and many of his friends have it already, right? I do not think I’m the only one, but I do not remember every toy I had and everything my mom has given me. She tried so hard to do everything and more for her children, like buy us what she knew we wanted, but I really do not remember everything that she bought for me. I do however remember her being the one that I could share everything with and she always made everything better. The most outstanding trait of my mother’s was her love. Everyday, even on the days that I have had it or just do not want to deal with it, I will remind myself of her and try my best to be her to my little J.
To all the parents out there going though something and I’m sure there is something: Cry, scream, do things for yourself when you have the time, and remember there is no job like being a parent and so many of you are doing one fantastic job!
The answer to my question above is that many experiences in this lifetime can be extremely difficult for us, just in different ways. I’m sure many of you have heard this particular quote before, but it is definitely something that comes to mind in many situations, whether they are painful, exciting, confusing, etc., and that is “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
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Photo credit: Image provided by the storyteller.