It’s 2.42 am. Having a long night. I’m in my bed with my sister. She is asleep so I am Basically alone right now. Just finished watching a netflix movie, scrolled facebook a little. You know I have plenty of people in my life. Had a really great time with parents today. I can talk to my best freind whenever I want. But probably she’s asleep. I have class in the morning. Seriously, I should just sleep! Ugh but I really feeling like sharing something here.

I am from a very conservative culture. But my family is way more conservative than most of the families here. Okay let me give some examples- I am not allowed to go out alone or with friends without a really important reason. My parents don’t understand hang out. I haven’t really met my boyfriend since covid lockdown. Is that okay?! Cz We live in 20 min distance in the same city. Oh btw, I am way above 18 but still I can’t go out without permission. And it’s not possible to get the permission without being” reasonable”. When he starts that conversation, it gets really annoying. I have no answers but I can’t go out! I really have no choice. I don’t want to fight with my mom in this issue. She is really sick. I told him thousand times to just breakup and stop involving in my cage-life. But he won’t do that either. He will wait. He will start an argument over and over again and make me guilty for not trying hard, not giving effort in this relationship. And Between the argument he’ll disappear for some days. No messages and I miss him like hell! Right now, I am missing him like hell!! I really think It’s time to breakup. Maybe I should set him free. He is just too good to be mine! I don’t deserve him. But I don’t have the courage to lose him. He’s one of the best thing that ever happen to me. For the Last 2.8 yrs, he ‘s with me and my messed up shits. I am so freaking afraid that soon he’ll lose his interest in me and just leave as I told him to do thousand times but didn’t mean it. You know why I need him so much? Because he was like my another best friend. I’ve already lost that best friend in him. He’s an Amazing boyfriend, friend and human being. And I am so selfish that I can’t let him go and can’t just go out and meet him. I don’t know what to do. Just sit and go with the flow? Watching him losing interest being irritated day by day? Miss him like hell and cry and write relationship problems anonymously?

I hope a lot. I wait for miracles to happen. I am really quiet with a lot in my head. I just want to ask myself, “How would you feel seeing him with another girl holding his hands after some days?! It wouldn’t be easy.” I don’t know anything about future. I have big dreams like getting a scholarship, going abroad and all. I am studying hard for that too! But I know, not hard enough! Did a shitty mistake in the exam today and boom! Two footsteps back from my dream. Man! Why I am not good enough in anything? Why can’t I push myself to get what I really want? NO MIRACLE IS GONNA HAPPEN!

Ugh! Actually that is it! I don’t know what to do! I am tired actually! I going back to stare at the dark ceiling and fall asleep. Good night!