Dedication: my old lover
The unspoken love
I’d like to think I experienced the feeling of love even with the bad traits behind it there was still a precious little heart happy. The tears, the arguments, the fussing and fighting only lead me up to love you more. With all the commotion going on and what was going through our heads at the end of the day we still knew there was love there. To speak about love I wouldn’t lie and tell you everything will be good because it won’t. It’ll be bad days where you feel the need to give up or throw something special away.
Love can make you upset, frustrated, or even annoyed but it is something worth fighting for. Your voice has faded from my mind, The image I use to picture you as I no longer see, and I now understand to not blame myself for the faults you put me through. I’ve become so much stronger with me no longer being in contact with you, having the strength to delete our photos and not having the fear of seeing you everywhere I go. I let myself go to love you and it was not enough, it broke me into pieces, made me want to relapse so many times and the feeling of you no longer being there was so scary.
I knew the decision I made was going to hurt but I did not think you would turn out to be the bad person I never imagined you to be, especially after you promised me you wouldn’t put me through it again. I did not think loving you would hurt me, but it did, and it still does till this day to think I knew someone to not thinking they would do something again. When I’m alone for long enough sometimes you come to mind, but I must remind myself you are not the person I used to know, and my thoughts don’t deserve to think of you. The good the bad all behind the experience of loving you I would not try and forget it for any moment. You’ll always be my first love regardless of all the bad we did to each other, the good times always made up for it.
In another lifetime you knew you weren’t emotionally mature enough for me and you might regret the things you put me through, but I can no longer serve you anymore of my time. In another lifetime it would have worked with both of us wanting to change but in the life, we live now I will have to go on with my life without you. I will always love you and it just sucks because to an extent I know I shouldn’t, but I do, and I know one day I’ll cross your mind and it’ll be too late.
So much time invested in you, I know it wasn’t wasted you taught me so much and I can’t thank you enough for that. Your family being my family at one point in time, the countless laughs we had I grew with you, and I eventually outgrew you. I learned lessons with you, but I was also taught on how I shouldn’t be loved. You allowed me to grow with the space you left in our relationship, and it gave me the time to reflect on knowing I couldn’t keep doing it so thank you.
I tried to fix a person which only taught me that it wasn’t my responsibility to fix someone, I based my happiness off you, and it only made me depend on you so when you knew you were doing bad things you knew I would always come back because I gave and gave until I couldn’t. For you I let myself bleed out and when I was drained with no blood left to give you weren’t there to give me your blood. To think I couldn’t imagine living life without you to where I am in life today living without you. The sun still rises, the moon still comes out, the birds still chirp, and the days still go on.
I was so scared to live life without you because I had a fear of not knowing how to live without you. I overcame that fear you no longer play any type of role in my life in fact you are blocked on everything. I’m living without you. It’s so weird yet so refreshing to know I did it on my own. Being alone for over a year has taught me to not accept the bare minimum if you don’t want to settle, being independent and understand the concept of living such a private life.
In other words, no I don’t believe love lasts forever however I do believe the feeling of love will always be there. We go through trauma experiences daily and thinking just because you don’t end up with the person you wanted it to work out so badly with doesn’t mean love is not to be received for you. Love comes in many ways, many forms and many experiences. Such as complimenting someone, being able to see the growth upon yourself.
Our story ended with me having to leave you, it’ll always haunt me in so many ways knowing I wasn’t enough for you to want to change. I’ll always be the villain in our story even though we both knew it was on both sides. Revenge never crossed my mind even after everything you had put me through, I never thought about putting you through more than what you were already going through. I wouldn’t say love changed me I’d say a person changed me. I’m now stuck in this mindset that I am unable to be loved because now that I am officially over you, I decided to put myself out there. It’s been some time since I have been over you, I would say the no contact helped me.
I was so in love with you at one point I thought nobody would love me the way you loved me. A few months go by, and I am reflecting that I don’t want someone to love me the way you loved me. The love you gave me was half love, how you treated me showed the respect you had for me and all the promises you couldn’t keep. It was like trying to keep up with someone’s mental health while you are struggling to keep up with your own. I will be the one to tell you, you cannot keep up with anyone’s mental health but yourselves. I was so busy trying to save her from all of her problems it only made me fall back on myself because we I needed someone all I had was myself and I was already tired of trying to save someone.
You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved, it’s a hard lesson I had to learn. On the behalf of my story, I wouldn’t lie and say I was the best partner because I wasn’t. I was the partner wanting and willing to change to better the relationship that was built and the other behalf of my partner at the time wasn’t wanting to do either of those. In the back of my head at the time all I could think was oh eventually they will want to change once they will see progress with me, but that time had come, and my partner still did not want to grow with me. In that situation I ask myself what I do to someone I love very much I love is not wanting to grow and change with me.
In my right mind I was constantly telling myself my partner will eventually change once I kept threating to leave my partner would promise me to be better. I would have such high expectations because whenever we spoke about it, it was just an argument. But this time my partner promised to change once I threatened to leave, which was very sad. But at the time I was so excited at that moment because my partner finally said they would change. As time with on it was a constant on and off thing where it would get bad in the argument when all I wanted from my partner was to change in how they treated me and to do little things that reassure me that they still loved me.
This time was different in my eyes though my partner promised me they would change. I was so happy at that moment because it felt like everything was going to change this time. As time went on, I realized my partner wasn’t changing and I only had 2 options to choose from. One decision of mine was to better myself and leave the relationship even if it hurt or number 2 stay in the relationship sad because my partner wouldn’t change for me. I knew I was emotionally checked out when I couldn’t even write in the scrapbook, I had made for you. I had made you over 3 scrapbooks and I was big on showing you how much I loved you because I didn’t want you to experience what it felt to be unwanted.
However, in the time of showing you what it felt like to be loved and wanted, I was feeling unwanted and not loved you weren’t willing to change for me. I was putting you on this big platform, so I was sure you didn’t feel how I felt. The struggle I faced was being with someone in a relationship but feeling alone for it all. I was so confused on how I could be with someone yet still feel alone, it just didn’t make sense to me. I had to walk away from a person I loved dearly because they couldn’t get their life together to be able to treat me right. Nobody ever talks about how hard it is to walk away from someone you love, I’m always going back and forth with my thoughts if I did the right thing. I do not like hurting people I already know we go through so much as humans already. Especially heartbreak like let’s be honest who really wants to go through that kind of hurt. Even at times though being heartbroken is hurtful it can also change who you are as a person. In the ways that people have been hurt, eventually the hurt changes people. It can change the outlook on how you see things, people, places or even yourself.
When we are searching for reasons, we blame heartbreak. It’s not the heartbreak, its what people put you through. We must face the fact that the one person we loved dearly can be able to hurt us and not feel any type of hurt from it. Behind the heart break we must recognize that the person who played a big role in our life no longer serves its purpose in our life. You have to cut the contact, you have to cut the stalking profiles and heal from the hurt they caused.