The truth I kept away from myself

Dedication: To infinite souls who touched me in love.

My life changed as a soul when I chose to come into this lifetime on Earth.

I have felt unworthiness, inadequacy, unappreciated, separation and mostly not enough for who I am my entire life for 32 years.

Growing up in Japan as mixed race was the biggest challenge I had chosen for my life. Only now I’m able to say it was the biggest gift I received looking back at the time I was struggling from identity crisis and feeling I was stuck in the middle, not belonging to either “category”.

The hardest part was the fact that I was always treated special. When I say special, I mean how you are looked up by people with the obvious you are not part of the tribe because you look different.

“Oh, you have slender long legs!” “Is that your natural hair color? (pointing at my brunette hair) ” “Your face is so small!” “You look like a model”. It’s all part of the notion called Gaijin Complex that makes Japanese admire the typical western look.

I admit it sounds nice, actually hilarious, but not when this becomes a conditioning for your ego to establish false identity and feeling even more isolated from supposedly your own social group for not looking like “them”.

Today, I realize the feeling of not being enough comes from the false identity I have created for myself while growing up where my ego mind had conditioned me to think I had to be either be one or the other. Black or white. Japanese or American. Spiritual or not spiritual. Light or dark. This perception I thought and believed to be the truth, was only feeding my ego strategy to separate myself from the depth of source happiness, from who I really am.

The truth is, after many lessons of repeated sabotaging behavioral patterns and situations I learned that I CAN BE BOTH and I AM PERFECTLY WHOLE. Why do I have to pick one or the other? Why do I contain and make myself fit into a space that is too small for me? …no wonder I never felt complete while trying to fit myself to be only a piece.

However, the incompleteness was not coming from the place of isolation from the society I grew up or have not grew up in, but the fact that I was trying to base my unique cosmic identity to a tangible place where my human body believed I belong to. A place that has a name and a space filled with human body in which I should feel familiar with.

The larger truth is, we are way bigger than that. I, as a spirit being, am way way bigger than merely residing in a single society. That society you call your culture is part of the world on planet Earth which is just one tiny tiny star in the galaxy where thousands and millions of other planets exist. We do all come from the stars, if you don’t remember this yet. And the galaxy is our home of origin.

Is this starting to make sense to some of you?

So, the underlining issue with my identity crisis was that I was thinking – when I couldn’t possible come to an answer from a place of my mind only knowing how to survive – I will feel at home if I looked and felt the same as other people.

The truth I kept away from myself, even when I was fully awaken to receive the information we are energy living in multidimensional quantum field as human form, is the one cosmic truth of coming back to myself. Returning home to myself who embodies the cosmic home energy. This is how and where I will feel at home. My ego mind didn’t want me to accept this truth because that meant lies and deceptions were no longer tolerated and old comfortable ways of being-ness, namely, the old identity I had believed to be ME my entire life had to come to a death.

I have only started this journey of ego death. And it is awfully uncomfortable.

I know I have a path to walk that may not always be roses and sunshine, or even a straight road. I have already made a detour as I course correct myself now. What I believe though, is that I’m completely capable of creating roses as much as I want to as I go. Why should I hold back from what I love when I know I am the creator of my own life? I decide to change my perception of my path to grow. The knowing and the faith I have for myself will not stop me from each foot I step forward because I know exactly where I will be coming back to and who is waiting for me.

Aren’t we all part of one called the universe? Well yes we are – not only are we the cosmic energy in a human body, we ARE THE COSMOS.
I’d like to encourage every one of us to inhale this truth to walk the path of who we REALLY ARE.

Much love.
Photo credit: Images provided by the storyteller.

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