My love

Dedication: My mother

Hi, this is from when I was about 4 years old happy kid. The one who loves the family and cares deeply for her family. Even if I was just four, I wanted the people arround me to be happy so, I can be happy too. My dad drinks every night and smokes frequently but he isn’t addicted. Still it was bad because I had some asma problems. My mom argued with him for this reason telling him stop drinking and smoking. He didn’t took seriously and continued. My got so tired of him smoking so, she buried all the packets in the backyard. When my dad found out they both started to fight. This happens in all households parents fighting. But me wanting them both happy all the time, will be waiting and listening to them fight near the door. I understood everything everything that was happening in the family as they involved everything while the argument. I never showed it to my parents that am aware that my dad is in debt and my mom is frequently sick. But I started get stressed out at such young age thinking about if they are ok? And wantedly did something wrong and get scolding from my mom thinking that she can loosen out her stress on me by shouting at me. As an asian kid mothers tend beat their child learn not to do anything wrong cause they will remember this beating next time they are about to do it. So did my mom beating me when I do this type if mistakes. But I was always glad that she was a bit cooled down now that she has released her anger. It went fine that way, my parents be lovey dovey sometimes and argue sometimes. I learnt that family needs argument to strengthen even more and be open with eachother from their mistakes or lies. So, I involved less in their fight and ignored it for awhile. But, bad things has it way to enter in life. My mom got really sick and Little me thought it was like a normal skin issues that she usually has and didn’t go deep into it thinking they will handle perfectly. They did try so many things but it was too late. She had something like cancer that affected every organs in her body one by one. The fact that I still don’t know really what she had makes me mad. Because of this reason we had to be with our grand mama, my mother’s mother. Who is a I don’t know but slightly mentally ill. That she literally beleives in some other god of her own. We know she is not ill so, we don’t question her or anything. But, however there are believers of her God with her and she is like a ‘big important person’ of her village. I really don’t like whatever they make us do there but I had no choice but to adjust everything just for my mom. Sometimes, I go to keep her company in her room. And she sometimes wants me to sing a song in particular. I don’t know why but she tells me that song and she has some sort of connection. I didn’t care much but sang for her untill she slept. And that would be for hours and I’d be like a broken radio singing the same song again and again. My grandma doesn’t like songs or movies in her household but she controlled her anger just for my mom. But I didn’t get tired at all singing the song all the time. As days goes by my mother’s beauty was decreased. She looked older than my grandma, looking pale and skinny. My younger sister who doesn’t leave my mom’s side, ignored my mother like she wasn’t there. Everybody who valued only beauty of the face ignored her. But me and my dad always found her beautiful. No matter what she is the universal beauty of our eyes. My mom got so sad because of my sister and her loved ones. So, she eventually stopped involving herself at anything. I never stopped going inside her room no matter everybody said not be too close to her, I hugged her and kissed her goodnight everyday. She has told me so many things from when I was little while my ‘ volunteer good deed’ about how she thinks and how her childhood and dreams was. I loved it when she told me this things cause I know she only opens up to me. She was always a silent matured kid from young age. And she was the only one who truly understands what I am feeling and how wierdly unique I am. She always chooses my dress, she always stands by my back telling me what I am doing wrong and appreciating me when I talk the correct thing to someone and watching me with her left eye. I was so grateful for the god and this world that has given me such an angel as my mother. As days went by I was even more close to my mom than before. One day I was so late to school rushing in the house but didn’t forget to say bye to my mom. As I was on my way my grandma said there is no time for that and to leave because its my examination that day. I still hesitated but I can’t talk back to her so, I went to school. I did my exams great because of what my mom said that if I get even more good grades then she will be healthy and come to my annual show that happens every year in my school. I loved to dance. I was in a good mood but suddenly a staff came inside the classroom giving a small paper to my teacher saying some came to pick me up. That’s when I got panic attack I stuck in chair, while my teacher called out to me several times. I still thought about positive things maybe my mom is super healthy that she wants to meet so soon or we are all going to shopping to the city. On the car ride I tried to make some jokes to my uncle who was in the passenger seat. He always makes fun of me or jokes with me but that day he was just silent. When he noticed our driver going into the last turn. He told me ” you shouldn’t cry because your dad and others can’t take it if you cry. Your sister always cries so, that won’t make them that anguish than they already are. I’m sorry but this is what I was told to say to you by your grand ma” and that was it. He went out of the car with my sister and leaving me to process everything. As I get closer to the room everyone saw me with pitiful looks. I hated it. I hated when I heard my dad crying inside that room. I hated when my mom didn’t call me inside that room like she always does. I hated what I saw. My mother, my inspiration, my hope, my gaurd, my teacher, my happiness, my one who I turn for help when I can never choose, my guide, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything laying there lifeless be fore me looking like she is sleeping her best sleep with a slightly parted mouth. I didn’t know that tears of agony was falling from my eyes but I was making no sound, no movement. Everybody thought i was going to break down. But, I couldn’t my grandmother was looking at me. I saw my dad looking at me. If I cried there everyone will cry even more that’s what came to my mind. My dad is weak he is not in a good condition. As always me wanting everyones comfort. I didn’t cry but I ran away cause if I didn’t break down just not even a little then I might burst. I ran out I don’t know where but it was my dog’s shelter. I cried for a few minutes my heart aching so badly. I was scared of what I was going to do in life it felt like missing the only train to succeed but even more I felt like I have no reason to live. I know it was too much to think at that time but I was so dependent on my mom. I couldn’t choose what to wear, I couldn’t decide what to say, I couldn’t know what path I should walk. But, I had solution all the time that was my mother. I couldn’t believe what I saw, I regretted not seeing her alive for the last time I regretted going to school. I hated myself for not saying how much she means to me to her everyday she lived. I wanted to say thank you for helping me all this while and I wanted to say I hate you because she didn’t teach me a life without her. Somebody came and found me in the kennel my dog cuddling and whimpering a passed out me. I didn’t see her face at all after that. All I did was pretending like nothing happened. Making myself busy. Avoiding people so they won’t say ” I’m sorry you lost your mom”. I don’t want pity. I wanted my mom back. After just a few days my dad and my dad’s family were leaving that’s when I cried after that day. Thinking ‘ are they going to leave me here with this grandma who will treat us like trash?’ but my dad had no choice he wanted to settle all the debt and be stable himself to care of us. He was a wreck too. I didn’t say anything all I said was ” come back soon”. After that I lived in hell with my grandma. I believed in no god or anything. Because if they were real I still hated them cause I said to them I was thankful for God for giving me that angel and now they took it away from me. I had so many negative thoughts not because of my mom’s death but because my grandma stopped me from doing all the stuff that my mom loves me to Do. She didn’t even let me to that sentimental annual show dance but I cried and didn’t eat for several days. She eventually agreed just because this news will go to my dad. She doubts everyone and she even doubted me several times saying I have a boyfriend and I am a bad girl who flirts with guys. I let it go all the time. But, one day she said I and my uncle are a thing. That was it I argued back and then she hated me even more. I had my little sister with me. I remembered my mom saying to take care of her so, all I did was making sure she never gets any scolding from my grandma or anything that makes her sad. She loved my grandma. Everytime I try to run away from there my sister comes to my mind. She is happy here so, I will stay here just for her happiness. The only one person I had as a company and support was my cousin big brother. After some stuffs happening with my grandma and my dad. He took us from there to his place with my other grandma. I thought everything will be fine. I can be myself. No, I hated myself even more because that evil grandma wanted no one to see me attractive and made me fat and ugly. I begged my grandma saying I need diet. But, no she will start saying who are you going to impress?. So, I didn’t care too because I never went out of house. But here this is a city and my dad takes me to so many places. But, I just lost my interest in anything. I could do anything in here my dad said ” go to dance class. Go to music class. Go ahead and do what you did when you were a kid. Continue everything I support to you always”. I was moved but I couldn’t take any interest cause she had made me numb by telling me I suck at dancing, I play so bad in piano, and even my cooking. So, I made myself thinking I suck at all those. My body didn’t help me too. But, as days went by I lost most of weight I was not slim but normal. Still couldn’t bring myself to dance. Lost interest in school. I then thought I am being a burden and tried some stupid things. Tried not really doing anything. I fought my thoughts and said everything to my dad about my negative thoughts. He said he was proud of me for asking help. He took me to doctor. But, I don’t think that worked for me. I fought it myself and I am trying to live in present and make my mom proud of me living without her guidance. And show everyone that I succeeded. There is still a big journey full of course bad things ahead. Maybe just maybe I can still be happy at the end. There should be a light for me too right? Even if there is no light I will make mine myself. If it is dark again by fate. I will still fight in dark. That it eventually leaves me alone to success. Everybody who has both parents or only parent. Doesn’t matter think about it if you are thank ful to them for anything at all. Make sure you say it to them. Make sure they don’t forget that they means so much to you. And gift them by not buying them what they love but succeeding in your life. Show them they have raised a good person. Love them show them you love them. If you do love them. Don’t regret anything like me. I love you ma!
Photo credit: Image provided by the storyteller.