My heart still beats but it’s tired

When I was a small child, I grew up with a father that worked hard to provide a mother that took care of the home, worked a small job, and raised 3 children. I was the baby out of the 3. My mother’s mom, my grandmother always lived close by. Some of my youngest memories from my childhood…. I remember my mother holding me between an argument with my dad…. He was trying to hit her…. I was probably 3….I vaguely remember she had a broken wrist…. We went on a long bus ride from south Arkansas to New Orleans…..all I remember about that trip was I sang Jesus Loves Me all the way there…. LOL. It wa a very long trip… he showed up a few days later… so we went back home…. Do you know that back In The 70’s when House Wives needed a break from life…. They went in stayed in the hospital…. And yes they got a break from their abusers…. But the kids stayed at home….. Remember I said I was the youngest…. I have very few memories of my sister living at home…. I’ll give you the only 3….. dad selling her car …something about “they said she had pot”… I was 5, then chasing her down in the middle of the night at a motel….. that led to a true shot gun wedding….that did not last!…. All I ever wanted was to be better…. When I was growing up both my parents smoked… as a kid…. All my friends parents… judged me for smelling like a cigarette…. Stop and imagine how a child feels whe they go to a sleepover and their close are washed because they smell like a cigarette… and yes this was always…. Nothing I could ever do about it…. All I wanted was to get old enough to leave….I learned at a very early age how to distance myself and was hoping to find me a better path. I always wanted to be better and promised I would never have my kids have to grow up the way I did…. Most kids are proud and I can remember even when I was young being embarrassed but I honestly remember hearing other parents talking but never did anyone of them try to help… washing a five year old child’s clothes only made the child ashamed and embarrassed. I was the child that wanted to do pee wee cheer and walked five miles because their mother never had a license to drive… it was either walk or occasionally another parent would feel sorry for you. I was the child that hid their completely disfunctional life from EVERYONE… I always wanted to better myself. I was the quiet one, the shy one that made good grade but wanted away from it all.