Dedication: I dedicate this to my children Caleigh and Tanner. For they are my everything. My reason for breathing and living full out.
As a teenager and a young 20 something I suffered with body dysmorphia. I was the skinny fat girl. I had a childhood that no one should ever have, a multitude of pain-struggle-abuse-pain. Always feeling like I was not enough: not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, ect.. As pressure of being a teen increased so did my hatred for myself. Statistically, at this point most turn to alcohol, drugs, etc.. Not me, I thought if I could keep my body within a certain weight or size that I would be loved and enough in this world. It started with skipping meals. Restricting what I ingested in fear of becoming unwanted or abused again. My past had a tight grip on my soul. Restricting was not enough.. before I knew it, I had a full blown eating disorder. Not just one, but all realms of ED. Restricting, binging, purging, laxatives, counting calories….. this carried in to my twenties, the only thing I knew I could control was my body. At this point, I was in several abusive relationships, self destruction became a norm for me. I believed that was all I deserved.
At 23 I got married, still having a full blown ED. I believed the only way he would marry me or stay married to me was if I maintained my body. I never told him about my ED or anyone for that matter. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. I knew that I had to nourish my body for the baby growing within me. I ate real food, gaining 50#s. The day I went into delivery I balled when they weighed me. My husband tried to console me, but I seen it as I was just FAT.
As soon as I brought my baby girl home from the hospital, the darkness and demon started creeping back in. I was so unhappy with my body. I felt so disgusting and ashamed of my body. I began to fall back into my ED. Again, I became pregnant. This time it was a boy. So there I sat with a 3 year old daughter and a baby boy. The ED started to surface again…. but this time I knew I had to do something. I knew I couldn’t continue to allow it to take over my life. I had to be happy and healthy for them. As my children grew, so did I. I learned how to take care of my body, mind and soul. Running and fitness has been my saving grace.
Fast forward to now, my daughter is a beautiful 12 year old, and I know that I have to be her role model. How I treat my body, she sees.. How I talk to myself, she sees… I am at my healthiest and strongest ever!!!!!!!! Along the way I have found my passion and purpose. See all those years of pain, struggle and abuse, the one thing I knew was that I was meant for more. This is my more.. I have spent the past 6+ years growing, learning, researching, studying and becoming a role model, thought leader, influencer for my daughter and all other young girls. Having created a coaching business centered around empowering our youth (and woman).
I always knew I was meant for more. I did not endure all the struggles to just exist.. It was for me.. for others…
There is so much more to this story but this is an outline, if I can inspire just one of you, then I have become successful.
My life, business and purpose is driven by helping others through the darkness.. you are not alone!!
Reach out, ask for help, find your strength…. You are meant for more too!!!!!