Dedication: To everyone that has been to scared to speak up or get help
Let’s move fast
My last memory of being young dates back to the early 90’s. Possibly because my life before age five was so fast paced and moved so much that my mind has chosen to forget the things I feel would hurt me now if I knew them. They are still lingering there, like the Cobb web you run into. Eventually you get it all off but you avoid it at all cost if you ever run into it ever again. Of course I would mention how much worse it could be but if I can’t remember then maybe it is something that really wasn’t that bad. Let’s start out with who I am now and work our way back to my first memory. Now at age twenty eight I am a mother, a divorced woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, I would say friend but I really don’t have any friends, and of course every other label I am that comes with living in this modern world of 2019. I work to live and live to survive. Recently I joined that lovely band wagon of millions that take antidepressants. Mine certainly is for my anxiety. I want things perfect but then again I don’t. I am caught in between so I now medicate to function properly as I should. I can adapt quickly, think on my feet, and change my mind so fast that I could convince a priest to become a pornstar. All in all I am a good person. I mean well and I want to help people. Growing up that’s all I wanted to do. I didn’t even know how the hell I was for that matter but I will be damned if I couldn’t put on a show to show my confidence to those I would try to fool or convince that is how they should hold themselves up to be. I did it well. I knew how to be an actress from age five to now, that’s most likely why they say women are the devil. My first memory I remember is being age five and walking in the one bedroom home smelling the carpet and scent of food that was cooked earlier. Then making my way to the only bedroom we had as a family of five. Seeing my family member above a man and then it struck me, Curiosity. Before ever seeing what my five year old eyes had seen, I didn’t even think about what sex was. I brought this grand new experience of seeing something new to my childhood best friend; which later I would regret. My childhood best friend was amazed that I hadn’t known about it before. I, of course, wasn’t going to be made a fool even at age five. So she showed me what sex meant, she showed me what adults do, and then my curiosity turned in me being a personal lab rat of hers in a child form. This went on for a couple of years till my family decided to move to the Midwest. Again, coast to coast and now to the middle. Best decision that could have been made.
Fast-forward to my new life in the Midwest. New school, new people, new family members to meet, and a whole new life to adjust to but at least I was away from the girl that would play house too much with me. Instead of moving in from that type of play I let other family members know of my not so new found obsession. Then shit hit the fan. Not to where I got physically hurt but in whatever saving grace it didn’t get to that point. I had a lot of alone time growing up and so I did what I knew made me feel better. Giving myself physical attention. It was like I was filling a void. But I could never fill it. This haunted me. I wish I had someone in my life I could cry too about all my emotions and all the wrong guilt I had built inside of me for such a young age I wrecked myself with being a little adult in a kid body. Things only got worse when I became a teenager. Oh the hormones are never any fun. All high and mighty and in my case I was young beautiful talented and willing. This big move was a smart one, but my ghost were still playing treats on me as a kid. I wished nothing more to go to my mother about this things but I was terrified of getting in trouble, getting others in trouble and all in all immense guilt that strangled me for years. I prayed every night that God would somehow give me the courage to speak but every time I tried I would change the subject or act like everything was fine. I was screaming inside, numb, and alone at age five and up. This all caused my depression and anxiety that I have now. I learned to deal with it well. Sometimes it is too much to handle, but we will fast forward here shortly as I am accustom to moving quickly.
Men, my downfall. I let guys my age in high school take advantage of me and then ignore me when we were in public. I was looked at as a toy or a piece of meat. I allowed such a thing to happen. My family didn’t know, as far as I know they didn’t know how badly I needed help and how badly I wanted to end my life because I kept giving my attention, body, mind and soul to this guys that just used me. I did all this again to try and fill that void. I reached a weak point shortly after high school. Men, my downfall. I wanted to sing, dance, act and change the world, but men happened and that was the end of me. It began to spiral when I let older men into my life. Imagine a seventeen year old sleeping with 20+ year old men and her thinking they love her and that’s why they do those things to her and say such sweet things, but really it’s just a young piece of girl they can use till they don’t want her anymore and on to the next broken up girl. I continued to have a spark in my heart to be good even though I was feeling like a piece of crumpled up art. That is what saved me a lot of times from really bad people. Having a being good inside saved me from ever hitting rock bottom because I never have one to go to. I struggled with men, but when one man came into my life, it changed everything about how I thought about men. My son, unplanned, unwanted at the time of pregnancy, and not ready for him. As time went on growing him inside my body I felt the love, compassion, and motherly side of me growing as well. He was the arrival of a new woman with faults she could not control. But he would be there to understand his mother as she is and all she can be. My downfalls were always still there from choosing drug addict boyfriends to getting knocked up again but this time on agreed terms. This term brought me a beautiful little girl that I wished nothing more than to make sure she didn’t grow up with my emotional roller coasters. Again, my downfalls kept appearing. I kept repeating history as if it would somehow change if I did things a certain way. In all actually it was all leading me to my high school best friend. One of my up falls, which hurt the most. I spent the most time trying to love two people I could never really truly love. With this up fall I cheated, I lied, I was used, I laid there numb, I dragged us all for years, I did this but because no one spoke up to take my spot light I acted. I was so good at it. A part of me felt like it was play house all over again searching for attention in all the wrong places. This time I was hurting people, this time I was the downfall. I had to run. Run and latch onto something that was not any like that of my past. I needed to apologize to those I felt needed to do the same. Now three children later I find myself at my most powerful. My most undefeated self I can be because they are my reason to go. They and I left, We left behind a wounded man and wounded little girl that we would have never left behind if I didn’t ever feel I could leave without knowing we would be okay one day as I learned growing up from my own coast to coast then in the middle. It hurt… it still does. It was time for change. Not only did I pinky promise myself to be the best version of myself from now on but I felt free. Free from chains that I latched myself onto. Hurting inside but that will never go away. From intention to rape at age nine, to being molested by a girl my age from five to six, to dating every guy I found would “love” me, to feeling like a disappointment to my family and not being able to open up to them about it. I finally had enough. My life of lies and make believe were over. I rushed into the arms of another man promptly after wounding the last. This one had the chance at surviving me though, this one has the angel, this one has the warrior that been through it all already, this one had my heart. This one is a keeper. He knows it to. With love.
Don’t get me wrong
Don’t get me wrong I had lots of good memories eating out with family, performing in school plays and musicals, family members that stepped up to help my mom through some rough times, and always taken care of with basic needs. We fell short when it came to the emotional side of things and that is not something to blame on just one person. It is to blame generations of society implementing a certain way how families should be and cultures turning the other cheek to avoid emotional tremolos. It takes a special kind of person to not let your traditional up bringing to solidify how you will raise your kids. It takes a broken inside but strong in the heart kind of person to stand against hiding in the shadows. Sharing my story in a general way is just one small step for me but a leap for those that have struggled with the same. To stay silent because of this and that is torture. You build your own prison in your mind and soon you end up joining the band wagon of millions on meds to function. I had light growing up and I had darkness. Things could have gone a certain way but then I wouldn’t be such a badass now I would say. Always having well in your heart gets you a long way even when it is punished. I value my family even though it was just basic needs, I value where I been even though it was some rough patches at times. Most of all I value all of those that hurt me because ay hey taught me to see well in others and be compassionate now at age twenty eight. I can be the best 90’s kid grown up. I know in my heart of hearts that my family did the best they could and only did what they grew up to know. For that I thank them for trying to help me be better than what was expected.
My plan because we always should have one
Plans, if you plan them well, usually don’t work out the way you meant them to be is what I learned. Especially for someone like me that lives a life of being a good woman, mom, wife, and of course all the other labels that society has brought to my attention. For my own agenda, I plan on advocating emotional connections in families so people don’t grow up all fucked up for not being able to tell others what the hell they are feeling. In another part of my plans is to still change the world somehow, don’t know yet, but all great things take time, look at the Notre Dame for goodness sakes, place burned down after centuries but sure as hell it’s going to be rebuilt by people coming together to help with the crappy situation. My idea is to keep building myself up from here, well more like a year and a half ago me, I am still in good shape. Not new condition but like new, I know I would totally buy myself on amazon if I were a deal! Luckily I am not up for sale though. I have my family and they are my plan. Main plan to be exact because without them I can’t make up from all the shitty times I had in my past life. Only way to find out what will happen from here is to make your own plan, you know? No one else really cares but yourself because it is your life. Not their outcome so it’s not their journey. That is how life works. We all die but not many get a chance to really live. With the help of my one true love, God, my three god given children, and happy pills; I know I will be just fine here on out. Almost being thirty is an eye opener I would say. Just wait and see.