I believe in myself

I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m going through major changes again. One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’ve never been good with change, even if it’s good. I’m one of those people who gets comfortable with the way things are, even if they’re bad, simply because I’m afraid of getting out of that comfort zone and facing the unknown.

I’ve recently made the decision to leave my home and venture off on my own. For some people it may not be a big deal but for me, it’s killing me inside. Just the thought of leaving my mom and not being able to see her every day, breaks my heart. But for many reasons, I think it’s best for me to leave. I’ve always been attached to my mom and I love her deeply, but in recent months I have not been happy at home and I feel that it’s time to get my own space.

Ever since I’ve made my decision, I cry often and I feel so guilty. Deep inside, I know I’m making the right decision for me, but I can’t help but feel pain. I’ve always been attached to my mom, when I was a child, and my mom had two jobs, sometimes three, I would cry my eyes out every time she dropped me off at the daycare center and I’d beg her, “please don’t go.” She’d reply in tears, “I don’t want to go but I have to work, I’m sorry.” When my dad left, my mom took the risk of taking us to her jobs. She’d find any way to make ends meet, even if it meant that she’d be hungry and exhausted. That heart wrenching feeling of sadness I felt as a child is what I feel now. I know that it’s normal to leave the nest but I’m having trouble being okay with my decision.

I fight back tears as I write this story, because the wound is still fresh. Maybe I’m being dramatic but I just love her so much, and it pains me to leave her. I made sure she knows that I’ll still be close and I can still help in anyway I can. I guess the point of this story is…there are times that we have to make tough decisions that we know are for our own good, and even though it hurts, we know it’s what’s best. I’m grateful to say that I believe in myself enough to trust in my decision and that whatever happens moving forward, I’ll have the strength to face the challenges. I’ve accepted that it’s okay to be afraid and that one day I’ll thankful myself for this decision. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.