Things I learned from a previous suicide attempt.
On March 14, 2019, I tried to take my life.
Earlier that day, I had come home from a long day, a long week. I was tired. I felt lonely and I felt that no one would ever want me or miss me if I died. Later that night, around 9:45, I took the bag of pills that I had gathered together and took them one by one, all 25 to 30 of them, thinking it would kill me.
I fell asleep and woke up around 2 am. I thought two things at that moment, 1. “How am I not dead?”
2. “How have I failed to die again?”
I sat there in bed, quietly thinking about how I’d have to go to school later on and how I would feel like shit. I fell back asleep, woke up to the sound of my alarm at 6:45 and slowly got ready for school. The pain I felt was unbearable. My stomach felt so clenched. It felt as though I drank bleach or was poisoned. The taste of aspirin and ibuprofen just wouldn’t go away no matter what I ate.
I got into the shower and felt extremely dizzy, like I was gonna pass out. I couldn’t stand up straight. I kept bending down. I got out of the shower thinking to myself, “why couldn’t I just die last night?” I got dressed and went to my room. I sat down with my head over my knees, feeling worthless and ashamed for what I had done. I grabbed my book bag and stuff and went in the living room and sat down. The pain I felt In my stomach was so bad. When I would get up, I would feel dizzy. When I would sit down, I wouldn’t wanna get up. My mom came into the living room wishing me a happy birthday.
I hugged her and said, “thank you.” I sat there for five minutes thinking, “I won’t be able to make it to the bus stop.”
I left the house around 7:50. I didn’t get 10 feet from the door before feeling like I was going to collapse in the driveway. I walked back to my house, walked inside and asked my mom to drive me to the bus stop and I told her that I felt dizzy and that my stomach was hurting. I felt as though I needed to puke. But, I didn’t say why. She drove me to the bus stop. I got out and waited for the bus. I rode the bus to school thinking, “why couldn’t I just die?” I arrived at school, I got off the bus, and I went to the cafeteria. I went in the line to get some food. The lady scanned my ID and as I was walking out, she said, “happy birthday.” I walked to the table I normally sit at as fast as I could. As I ate my food, I started to cry. “Happy birthday? It’s impossible to have a happy birthday when you wanna kill yourself.”, I thought.
I sat there and I welped in silence for at least 10 minutes before walking to class. I walked to my first period, Mrs. Hudson, at the time with my puffy eyes. She asked me how I was doing. I said, “I’m fine.” We had to work on an assignment on the computer and I put my head down on my desk. A few minutes later, she came to my desk and asked if I was okay and if I needed to go to the nurse. I said, “no, I’m fine.”
She said, “I’m kind of worried. I’ve never seen you like this.”
I realized in that moment, that even if it seems like no one cares, they do.
There were so many reasons as to why I wanted to end my life. I won’t list those reasons but, I will list the reasons why I shouldn’t end my life.
I have a purpose
My friends and family love me
I would hurt them.
Sure, what I did was stupid and I know I didn’t get what I wanted, which was death. But, on my birthday, not only did I suffer the consequences for something I should’ve never tried, but I came to a realization that I do have a purpose. The pain I feel is the pain that can be healed. Watching my biological mom try to take her own life broke me into pieces. It hurt my heart. It made me want to die as well. Killing myself could have been a way to end my pain. But, that would’ve just brought pain to many other people the same way it brought pain to me after my mom did that. I started to imagine what it would be like if I wasn’t here. How many people will or won’t care? How many people will be smiling? how many people wouldn’t be laughing at my corny jokes or attempts to cheer someone up. How many people would notice or feel guilty for not being able to help a suicidal teenager? But, what about the people who will cry, feel guilt, and shame? How many people will actually miss me even though I wouldn’t have thought of it to be alot of people? The last question hit me the worst.
Sure, each year on my birthday, I may or may not be depressed and feel ashamed for attempting to kill myself. But, I can walk away with two options:
1: I can dwell on it
2: I can use this as a lesson to help others from making the same decision.
I’m not condoning suicide. As of now, I wanna do my best to prevent it.
Things that I learned in this situation was:
1.you can’t get help unless you ask for it.
People can’t read minds. No one can read my mind. No one could tell whether or not I wanted to end my life or if I was just tired of school. I didn’t talk about how I was feeling and I didn’t ask for help.
If you know that you need help, ask for it. Don’t think that no one cares and that no one understands. We can’t understand what we don’t know. So, speak up.
2.I started to appreciate the little things that life has to offer.
We only have one life to live. I didn’t want to be remembered as some girl who killed herself for attention. (That would be the last thing on my mind) The day after I tried to kill myself, I walked into school feeling terrible and ashamed. As I went through my day at school, I got some compliments that I needed. It changed my mindset. That “you look good today.” Or, “are you okay?” Really made a difference in what I was feeling at the time. Not only did that boost my confidence but, it made me feel glad to not have died. It made me realize that people actually care. When I was eating lunch with my friends that day, making them laugh, making them happy, I couldn’t begin to imagine how much pain I would pass on to them if I died. I was glad I didn’t die and I was happy to get another chance at living.
3. I learned to accept myself.
Growing up, I’ve always had a negative opinion about myself. ‘I’m too skinny. I’m too fat. I’m not big enough. I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough or worthy enough.’ Sure, I’m not as pretty as a model or actress but, I’m pretty and I’m worthy. My life and your life is worthy of living too. And just because some people can’t accept me, doesn’t mean I can’t be accepted or can’t accept myself because, I can.If someone can’t accept you the way you are, they’re the wrong people. Find a new person/people to hang around with. You’re aren’t unworthy because a person can’t accept you. They’re just not for you. And someone/many someone’s will come along and accept you the way you are. But, in order to feel accepted, you’ve got to accept yourself first.
You’re probably wondering, ‘what can I get out of this?’
If the only thing you can get out of this is to live a long happy and successful life and not die, then I’ve done my job. If you develop a new mindset after reading this that doesn’t have to deal with wanting to die, then I’ve done my job.
You can’t take warm and soothing hot showers if you’re dead. You can’t eat from your favorite restaurant if you’re dead. You can’t pet your dog, cat, lizard, or snail if you’re dead. You can’t say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ or even, ‘I love you’ if you are dead. So, please don’t take your own life. Not only will you be taking your life but, you’ll be taking others’ lives as well. You’re taking away their happiness that you gave them.You’re taking away the light that shines when you’re around them. You’ll take your scent, your laugh, your jokes, your motivation to get up in the morning away from them. They won’t get to see you laugh or comfort you while you cry ever again. They won’t get to hug you or kiss you goodnight ever again. They won’t get to say, ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, or, ‘I love you.’ And hear it back EVER AGAIN. Your better off saying it while you’re alive and well.
So, if you’re a suicidal person, thinking about suicide or wanting to die, let me just say, don’t do it. I can’t stress this enough.
Things do get better. Ask for help. Don’t wait. People do care. Trust me, I can tell. You can save a life by telling your story, how you started and how you recovered. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.Think about your friends and your family….
Think about how much they care for you and how much you matter, living in the world. And if you have attempted before and stayed alive, don’t take that as a “Oh no, I’ve failed again.” Take that as a second chance to start a new life with a better mindset. You’re not “better off dead”. You’re better off alive and living well with the people that you love and the people that love you. You matter. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Everyone walks down the wrong path at some point whether it be, drugs, alcohol, addiction or, something else. But, that walk doesn’t have to define you. It can shape you. It can change you if you let it. And, It can make you a better person.
So, to anyone reading this, I hope it helped. And just know that a once suicidal teenager is telling suicidal people or people with depression not to kill themselves and I’m asking you to pass it on. Save a life; save many lives. Your life is worth living and you belong here!