words can kill you

Dedication: everyone who has ever felt less then. You are not less, never have been and never will be. You are amazing.

Before , I start I’d like to give a trigger warning this story contains material that may be triggering to those with a history of eating disorders or self harm.

There was this girl in elementary school who thought I was fat and that this was a bad thing. She decided to make this very clear to me by calling me names like “pig”or “blubber ball”. I did not know what I had done or how to react. I just put my head down and held back the tears. I didn’t want her to know how bad I hurt. Sometimes I would respond with I don’t care or make a snarky comment back like “sticks and stones may break my bones but your words can’t hurt me”. This wasn’t true this was never true. Her words hurt. They hurt more than sticks and stones could ever. Those words hurt like a 100 cuts into the side of my arm. They hurt like years of crying myself to sleep. They hurt like hot summer days in a sweatshirt and pants too scared to show my frame. They hurt like hours on the treadmill and days without eating. Those words almost killed me, they sucked the life out of me until I was 72 pounds a with a heart rate of just 33. — “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can kill you”– If I would have known this then I think I would have reached out for help. I would have realized that name calling is bullying and that it was not okay. I am currently 16 and recovering from a very serious eating disorder. My journey has included numerous hospital stays along with residential and partial care. Throughout this I met amazing people and got a lot of time to think. I am doing much better and am just beginning to see that my body is beautiful no matter what. My stretch marks are natural, the “blubber” I once pinched with tears in my eyes keeps me alive, my thighs touch for a reason, my fat protects my body, and my stomach is not supposed to be flat. I am thankful for my past and the journey I have taken it has opened my eyes to the world and just how silly it is to get caught up in other opinions. As much as I wish I could say I don’t still care what others think I do but I am learning to love myself for me. I will not waste my life too afraid to test the bounds. I will experiment I will learn I will love and I will live. Lastly, if there’s one thing I cannot stress enough it is the idea that words do hurt and that this is okay it’s what you do with that pain and how you move on.
Keep your head up–Don’t hold back the tears–love yourself for you