Wish you loved me like i did

Hi i am a 23 year old female. A little bit background information i grew up in a conservative family. Oh i am a Muslim so my parents were really strict about my upbringing so that I don’t get spoiled or be a brat. Growing up i wasn’t much confident about my looks and height. As i have acnes on my face and height is not even 5 so yea i am not even close to the beauty standards set by society. as a Muslim practitioner my parents wanted me to marry me off but everytime there was someone good they rejected me for something better but the ones that are like maniac and greedy would come forward. I never wanted to get married because i always thought the person who is gonna marry me will eventually get tired of me and i won’t be able to tolerate that pain. Last year during this time my university had a course called LFE its like a tour given to students to have an idea about the rural places and be able to work on teams. We had a group of 5 members. From them i fell in love with one of my group mate. He has a great sense lf humour not to mention a great personality obviously with good looks. I really liked him from the day we started going out for surveys. As an introvert i never talked much i just observed him. So we started talking like much later in messenger that’s when i got to know that his girlfriend died while they were dating and he was unable to move on from that. That obviously broke my heart and i cried a lot that night. But we still talked as i wanted to be a very good friend of his. He started sharing all kind of stuffs with me as i used to. One day he goes on to say that he liked someone from lfe because that girl kinda resembled his dead girlfriend. But as she went through a rough breakup she didn’t want any romantic relationship with him. But he tried hard to get her. One day while we were chatting he asked me if i liked anyone and that he shares everything why do i not do the same. So i pulled up some courage to confess my feelings for him. And i did it was weird i am sure he felt that too. Few days go by and he jokingly asked if i would date him. From how i grew up i never thought of dating someone but when he asked me something in me really wanted that but the fear was there that if my parents found out i will be dead. For the next two days he asked the same question and the last time he did I agreed. It was a different feeling as i really really liked him. It’s a feeling i never had for anyone. From the second day we would have small arguements and would stop talking i mean he would but still we stayed. One month goes by and he goes through something that leads him to a depression. where he goes on to tell me he started dating me not because he liked me but the fact that he wanted me to have him. How he is forgetting his dead girlfriend and had the audacity to like other girl (the kne who didn’t date him). How he was willing to go against his parents despite the religion. That day my whole world shattered my insecurities kicked in and i couldn’t sleep. Despite all that i didn’t wanted to lose him. I was like its just sometime he will be alright. but his depression phase came quite often and that he regretted dating me saying how staying alone was better. which was partially my fault because i would say things to remind him of them. Because he never told me anything the time we dated. We are still together and i know this is not healthy. We can’t marry eachother but the point is he is never there in the relationship. We exchanged kiss and we share beautiful moments when we are together but everytime i think maybe he likes me now he tells me how he can’t love me because he didn’t get to say goodbye to his dead girlfriend without any closure. That still haunts him. But people get attached to things why is he not to me? Is it because i am not pretty enough? I won’t be able to forget if i get married to someone else now but if that person gives me enough reason to why not?
I do the same but why doesn’t he love me?
Why does he feel sorry but stays for me when he can just leave?

~Photo credit: Photo provided by the storyteller.