I feel alone, distraught, mad, misunderstood and just frustrated with life and my family.
I don’t feel heard. I feel invisible.
I thought I was just the fat girl that was shy so nobody wanted to be around me or not for long anyway.
I grew up just blaming my appearance for why life was so awful to me.
I never felt worthy of a good life and not having one overall just confirmed for me that I didn’t deserve it.
it’s so much deeper than that though, so many layers to this shit show of a life. so much made me who I am today and I’m tired of being told to let it go. I’m tired of everyone leaving the house and pretending things are normal in here and I’m just the emotional one.
I’m not sure what’s worse, having an emotionally unavailable, narcissistic dad or a mom that enables his behavior, sabotages me and makes me feel like her maid.
I’m not sure what’s worse, me never getting affection, encouragement or life lessons from my dad or my mom doing nothing all the years I let depression consume me, all the years I was showing signs of pcos.
I’m not sure what’s worse, my dad bashing me to other family on his side (they never come to my defense either) or my mom and her side of the family making me feel like.. I’m not quite as welcome and loved and nobody will ever explain why.
They were never there for me but if you ask them, I’m just sensitive or dramatic. They kept a roof over my head so they did well and I’m just ungrateful right?
Someone tell me, is this love? are these things every one experiences?
My dad laughed anytime I dressed up, including at prom.
My dad has fat shamed me sarcastically all of my life, everything from just calling me a hippo to accusing me immediately if food is gone. never helped me have a healthy relationship with food, he just made rude comments if he felt I was eating too much. keep in mind there were many days where I hadnt eaten in days and still dealt with that.
My dad told me “boys would never be knocking down the door for me.”
My dad has told me at least once every year since I was 8 that he doesnt care about my feelings.
My dad has screamed at me over leaving forks in the sink.
My dad never hugs me or says he loves me or he’s proud of me or anything encouraging.
The time he called me a bitch, he couldn’t even apologize in person.. he just sent me a text saying “sorry.”
My mom never talked with me about my body or sex. But got upset at me when I learned about it from school or my dads secret porn selection during my elementary/middle school times.
Still didn’t fully understand my body (my pcos symptoms) until I was 25. so many signs I got judged over that could’ve been helped sooner..
My mom never seemed to choose us over my dad.. like not being lonely meant more than us being in a healthy environment.
My mom had me on yo-yo diets with her sometimes so I eventually became someone that binge ate (which got me screamed at by dad when I was younger) and emotionally ate.
She noticed signs of my pcos but told my granny I was just dirty so they scrubbed me raw for months as a kid.. I was never dirty
I asked her why she had kids, she said “so I’d have someone to love me.” she never said anything about loving back.
I asked her why she let me eat whatever as a kid and finally said one day “I didn’t want to be the only big one in the house.”
They both use to mainly get mad and scream if I expressed my feelings or stood my ground, but now they more so use guilt trips and temper tantrums. they’ll refuse to eat so I purposely worry or have anxiety or beat myself up for having said anything. keep in mind they both have their own health problems and eating consistently is important so they KNOW I’ll worry especially because after losing my grandparents, death terrifies me. As toxic as they are, losing my parents would still devastate me. They are all I know really.
so here I am, being sheltered in this environment day by day. they never went out really, I was always feeling like my family outside of them didn’t accept me, barely having friends in school and losing them the more I said no to their invites out it seems (guess most of them never cared either) I lose my grandparents, the only people that cared and encouraged me.. the only ones that went out of their way to make me laugh. the only ones that listened to my goals and dreams and knew my fav movies and snacks and hobbies.. hit a huge 6-8 year depression (was already depressed in school but it got really bad after)then gained an extra 40 lbs and I was already fat.
Nobody was trying to help me. they were just calling me lazy during any of my depression. I would talk about dying, I stopped taking care of myself at all, stopped combing my hair to the point that it was matted and I had to cut it almost to my scalp.
I remember while struggling I still attempted to get my license but my dad didn’t like the long line so he just drove off
I remember them complaining about a job but never helping me get one.
I remember attempting college twice and flunked out because my mom wasn’t taking care of herself and my anxiety got really bad being away from her because I couldn’t bug her about going to dialysis on time.
I have the life experience of a 15 year old and I’m 27. on one hand, cool no debt no bad college memories, no bad break ups to recover from, no addictions.
but on another hand, I’ve never really lived or felt loved by anyone.
still till this day if I am trying to get something done or need assistance, my mom pushes it off. I cant catch up even the slightest bit in life because they stand in my way and basically say “do it next week/month/year.” doesn’t matter if its my license, a dentist appt, a doctors appt, going to the gym, going somewhere fun, enjoying a movie, just sitting outside with me for gods sake. so its either walk or let it be put off.
I have nobody I can fully rely on. I have nobody in my life that understands.. I have nobody that gets how all of this was obviously impact my life as an adult, especially seeing that half of it is still happening.
it’s like they literally had me so I’d clean the house and cook the food or make money recently (just to help with their bills) but otherwise they want people to forget I exist, they seem unphased when I don’t feel like my cousins and other relatives care. If I just need a bit of assistance to meet a goal, they push it aside so long that I just want to give up, then they blame me for why the goal isn’t accomplished.
I’m so tired of worrying about these people, my sister included sometimes.. when they do not ever worry about me.
I’m so tired of being there for them when they’re barely there for me.
I cry in front of them and there’s nothing but blank stares or anger.
So I stopped crying, stopped letting the pain show nearly as much.
that’s not normal.
this isn’t normal.
I just want to feel normal.
I cant seem to escape any of this which makes me feel like I’ll not only never accomplish my dreams or overall be content with life or heal let alone have romance, like a guy that truly loves me.
who knows what people think of me because between being isolated/sheltered by them and my own depression, I barely talk or leave the house anymore. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone, don’t feel like anyone will get me. I feel like people mistake my introvert ways as me just generally having poor communication skills when I just hate small talk especially with someone who never talks to me more than that or someone that doesn’t seem to care how I actually feel about something.
despite my life experience, I’m still kind, I’m still smart, I’m still funny, I still have logical views on things.
but who would know besides the people in this house I guess.
I feel so trapped and I’m scared it’ll stay this way.
I just wish I mattered.
I just want to be happy.
Reading this stuff on britney spears conservatorship has honestly had me in tears lately because who knew a pop icon I adored especially as a kid, felt more trapped than I do every single day.