How I survived my suicide…

When I was 21, I met a guy who was dumped by my best girlfriend. Maybe out of pity or karma from my previous life, I was the first to pursue after him. Throughout our relationship, I was the one paying for meals and almost every other thing. You can call me foolish or blind or whatever names you can come out with. Love conquers all was my mantra of life at an early age of 21. Then, we got married at 30 also after I initiated it. At 31, we had a son and the war started. I remembered having to pay for the house mortgage, car loan, son’s school fees and everything on my own as my ex-husband only earns a meagre income. I was so depressed at a point when I could no longer afford to send my son to see doctor with mere 20 ringgit left in my bank account which I cannot withdraw further. From there I started to doubt my ex-husband who is always away from home as we were living with my parents after I gave birth as it was nearer to my work place. I suspected he was having an affair and I was acting all miserable and self-pity with 92kg weight. I tried prying into his phone to look for clues and it took me 1 year to find out the truth. He already had an affair with his colleague who I knew and had 2 kids within one year with his fertile sperms while still married with me. My cousin and my son’s school teacher saw them on the street and warned me about it. But I was a bit hesitant initially to believe them until the girl sent me message to hint me about their relationship. So, I did try to take my life by swallowing two dozen of paracetamol one night while my son was sleeping. After that, I still managed to search in the google the effects of taking too many paracetamol tablets. It stated that I would have organ failures and become vegetable state. So, I quickly asked my dad to send me to hospital in the middle of the night and I was treated with IV. I did not realize at that time that if someone attempt to commit suicide in Malaysia, he or she will go to prison. Luckily, the doctor diagnosed me with post-natal depression and forego the suicide part. For those ladies out there, never under estimate post-natal depression as it might gotten worse with work and family life stress. Don’t be shy to seek treatment. My ex -husband’s mistress even called me crazy after being fed the info from his master in bed.

Next episode, was me smoking 2 packets of Dunhill cigarettes every day since my mom passing while having to cope to find the truth about his affair. Until one day, my son was playing with his phone while he was sleeping. I quickly took the unlock phone and found all the photos of him with the mistress and their daughter. From there, he could no longer deny and the next thing I did was to start looking for lawyer. Obviously, I was so desperately to get rid of him from my life. My late mom once told me, all men are the same. They all only want sex and are never loyal. Even my dad she said.

With me as the sole custodian, I cannot get rid of him from my son’s life even though he cannot fulfil the child support obligation which is 500 ringgit every month. People will ask me how he can afford to feed his own family with two kids. Only God knows. Sometimes, I wish he is dead or succumb to accident or mishap and disappear from my son’s life. But it never happen and I don’t think it ever will. No money but still want to see him and talk to him. Can someone tell me is it me who is foolish or him genuinely broke. As I do not have the heart to stop my son from speaking to him nor see him at all. Of course, at this moment I don’t let my son see him unless he pays the 500 but only can chat. I need a saint to teach me what to do.

As a single mom, I have to work multiple jobs to raise him and pay for all the bills. I quit my low pay teaching job and started to work in a construction company. There I did not mind to help all parties involved to launder money while working as a project manager. There was one time I helped to collect millions of cash in my hands for lobbying purposes. I left hoping to find more decent paying job without going through bribery, money laundering, human exploitation and anything that we see in the corporate and political world. Still one after another, all the jobs I was hoping to are the same. Like the saying, a decent and honest job will not be paying enough to feed a family. What more to say to a single mom like me.

So, in the end I have realized that there is no God. Earth was created 4.2 billion years ago and living thing only exist 500 million years ago. In order to survive, we might as well do what it takes to survive. During recent pandemic, I almost got kicked out from my father’s house when I was suspected to be infected. Having to go out and work is a risk. Having dealt with that, I hurriedly bought a house with the help from my father and brother in paying the high down payment. Every month I would need to pay for the house mortgage on my own and pay for all living expenses. Having fear, I have decided to get back with a man who is divorced but still living with his ex-wife and daughter. I just needed him to help me pay for the mortgage to reduce my burden as my job is not even stable. Worst case scenario, I would kill myself and let the insurance company finish paying off the mortgage and my son will have a house, enough money from my retirement fund to live comfortably without me. So, these are how pathetic my life is as I don’t have the luck to find a good man who can help give me a better life. In order to survive, I will continue fighting till the day I give up.