Dedication: Anyone needing encouragement and direction.
Where do I begin…No one really understands what you go through in life. Why you become the person you become. No one understands the sacrifices you’ve made. No one understands the heartaches you’ve endured. No one understands what it means for you to be strong. No one understands what loss is. No one understands what being tired is. No one understands what being lost is. No one understands what life is. They say “trust the process” but what process am I suppose to trust? I don’t even trust myself… These are things that go through your head when you deal with depression, anxiety, and self hatred. People see you and think bc you smile and laugh and appear happy that there’s no way you could be dying inside day by day. On the brink of insanity pleading for someone to hear you through the fake smiles, and fake laughs. It’s amazing how someone so damaged can still smile through so much pain and despair. It amazes me how someone can go year upon year appearing happy and “ok” and be empty inside. It amazes me how someone can go everyday helping others but not helping themselves. How even when they feel unworthy of living, they still find it in themselves to make someone else smile, happy, learn to love themselves for who they are and trust that they can overcome any obstacle. Yet that same person is someone who can’t do it for themself. That someone is me. It’s scary to know there are so many people in the world like me. Going day by day bettering others, seeing others achieve and be successful while dying on the inside. All while keeping up this image of being happy and ok. In reality I’m not ok I never was. I tried so hard to be ok and tell myself I’ll be fine and get over it but who am I kidding, I had to admit to myself that this fight I’m fighting alone is a fight I’ll lose on my own. I had to reach rock bottom to understand that this internal battle that I’ve been fighting on my own for years, will never end unless I stop fighting alone. I’m 100% a child of GOD, I walk by faith and not by sight. But even then that wasn’t enough. No matter how much I prayed no matter how much I asked GOD to help me and free me. It still wasn’t enough. No matter how much others prayed over me. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I felt like I had no one. I felt like I’d been in a cage surrounded by cement and there was no way out. I felt like it was the end. I felt as if my life didn’t matter anymore. No one needed me, no one loved me, no one cared. It’s easy to hear people say they do but it’s hard to believe that they do. And I just couldn’t believe people did, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that. Bc then I’d have to believe in myself and I wasn’t ready to do that just yet. The day I told myself I didn’t belong here on earth anymore, I didn’t have a place here. Is the day I finally understood. The cage I was held in was built off the feelings of betrayal, self-hatred, low self-esteem, lack of trust, and lack of love. It was built upon all these feelings, obstacles and experiences I had been through that shielded me from seeing who I really am. And that’s a survivor, a soldier and a child of GOD. I let the people who told me I wasn’t good enough, who told me I was weak, who told me I gave up too easy, who told me I wasn’t special. I let these people in and continue to break me down day by day. I let these people have leverage over my mind, body and soul. These people who were family, friends, coaches, teachers, and peers. People I put all my love and trust into. People who till this very day can’t look me in the eye bc of guilt. People who tried to take my dreams away, people who almost succeeded. Even when you have people rooting for you in your corner it’s hard to accept that someone can love and care for you. But when you’re wrapped in the blood of Jesus even the devil himself cannot break you beyond repair. I had to learn how to love myself again, I had to learn how to trust myself and believe in myself. I had to learn to forgive me. And I did just that. My work isn’t done it’s just beginning. I say all this to say you’re not alone. No matter how hard it gets to get out of bed, comb your hair, take a shower, eat, sleep…live. Keep fighting no matter how tired you get, keep fighting I promise in the end you’ll be someone far more better than you could ever imagine….
Photo credit: Image courtesy of the storyteller.