Sunday Best

I think I like Sunday best now
Now that I’m self employed
No one expects anything of me
And I have Monday to rest too

Under the radar
When most don’t expect anything of me
Because I haven’t scheduled anyone
And I can usually avoid the salespeople
Who always seem to be expecting
But I don’t mind
They are self employed too
Or some version of it
And I know that to be a salesperson
Is to be always expecting
On some level
Because I tried that

Being self employed is challenging
I wish I’d figured out how to do it sooner
I had it in my head
For some reason
That I won’t get into
That being an employee was
“The best thing”
Simply “The Best Thing”
For so many Good Reasons
And I tried. I really did.
I couldn’t stop feeling like, as an employee
I was expected to perform
And I mattered, sure
As long as I delivered the performance
And was good

When I couldn’t perform
And produce the goods
I was scowled at
And ostracized
By the very people who once loved having me there
When I was performing
Meeting expectations

One day
Suddenly and not,
Everything I did was wrong
I felt trapped
When I hadn’t been before
I couldn’t leave
I needed the support
Even excruciating support
And when it ended
I was too anxious and sad to find someone else who wanted to hire me
And I didn’t figure they would want
The real me anyway
I was ashamed
And so alone
My shame had found me at last
And it held me me immobile

It was a dark time
So dark
I walked my dog
Kept my house
Sat with my feelings of worthlessness
Feeling like a throwaway human

Then slowly I did things
Took tiny steps
Planted seeds, again, even though I didn’t know
If they would grow
I barely wanted to
But I figured
I’m here
And the ground is here
And the seeds are here
And I can plant them
There’s nowhere else for me to be
So why not?

And then one day
The seeds sprouted
I started harvesting on my own
And it was good
There were challenges
And it was good
And slowly, slowly
I’m finding myself
Right where
I always wanted
To be