Dedication: My 4 beautiful children. Alicia, Malakye, Nevaeh and Kai and wonderful husband Jamie and my grandad Roger.
Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains a reference to childhood sexual abuse.
I am sending this email as I want to raise awareness about the mental health services and how they are significantly failling vunerable people who suffer from mental health conditions to the point where vulnerable people commit suicide as they feel that it’s the only way out.
I have a mental health diagnosis of emotional unstable personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression and anxiety.
The biggest problem is that there are no resources or funding which has had a detrimental impact upon local communities and the ability to provide consistent long-term support and intervention which vulnerable people desperately need.
I would like to share my story with you to enable you to have a clear understanding of my background and circumstances.
I have suffered from mental health issues myself from a young age and have a mental health diagnosis of emotional unstable personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression and anxiety.
Throughout my childhood I was exposed to significant abuse and neglect, my mother also suffered from severe mental health issues and addiction which meant she was unable to care for me which resulted in me growing up in the care system and constantly being let down and further mistreated by the local authority who failed to safeguard me and i was sexually abused by the staff in my children’s home.
In my adulthood I have been a victim of significant domestic violence and due to the traumatic childhood that I was exposed to it led to me being part of a toxic and failing system.
I moved to Portsmouth in 2018 the only reason why I moved to Portsmouth was due to needing a space in a refuge as I was fleeing from a domestic violent relationship in Bradford.
I suffered from post – natal depression during my pregnancy and after the birth of my daughter in 2019 my desperate pleads of help and support were ignored by the Adult St Mary’s mental health services.
I visited my mother in law who lives in Southampton and whilst I was there I experienced a mental health crisis which resulted in me being placed upon a 136 order by a female police officer.
I was kept in an empty room with nothing but a bed and was on my period and was only permitted a shower once in three day’s which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and disgraced.
I was placed on a section 2 after a mental health assessment and was sent all the way to Nottingham as there were no local bed’s.
This made me feel very frightened and isolated as my children and partner were in Portsmouth. whilst being in the mental health psyciatric hospital I was sadly shocked by what I saw.
The communal bathrooms were dirty, the services were non – existent due to lack of resources and funding and the patients who were meant to have 2 nurses at all times as they were a risk to themselves and others were often left on their own which was very dangerous and could have led to fatal consequences.
Unfortunately my mental health deteriorated so much that I was unable to care for my daughter and my daughter was placed into long – term care which caused me further emotional distress and psychological trauma.
I struggled to gain support from the mental health services and this then led to substance misuse and further mental health difficulties.
In 2020 I attended an appointment to have an implant inserted and after a routine pregnancy test was informed that I was infact pregnant, I remember literally falling to the floor in shock screaming and crying that I had only just lost my daughter and that the Local Authority would take away my child.
Despite these concerns I continued my pregnancy as I loved my unborn baby and was not going to have a termination as my unborn baby had a right to a life.
During my pregnancy the local authority placed me and my unborn baby under so much severe emotional pressure and stress with all the meeting’s negative critism and constant harassment that I ended up going into early labour.
I was rushed into the qa hospital at 1am and informed that my c – section would be in a few hours which was a week earlier then planned.
I was terrified and to make matters worse my c – section went horribly wrong as they struggled to insert my spinal which resulted in me experiencing sharp shooting stabbing pains in my bottom and down my legs.
The nurse inserted my canular incorrectly (my friend still has the photo) both myself and my friend witnessed the nurse laughing about it to another nurse.
I was put on gas and air to try and help me manage the pain I remember telling my friend that was with me to tell my partner that “I was sorry I hadn’t pulled through the surgery.”
Whilst on the labour ward I was treated poorly by the Maternity staff who didn’t provide me with my mental health medication made up accusations regarding myself and partner and treated us in a degrading matter which completely ruined the birth of my baby.
Myself and partner had to attend court via video link as the local authority made a court application for separation and the removal of my baby.
Throughout the court hearing my community mental health nurse witnessed the qa security constantly coming in and out of my room and when she requested for some privacy the security team chased myself and partner out of the hospital.
Whilst leaving the hospital the social worker walked into the hospital and smirked at both myself and partner which I found extremely unprofessional humiliating and caused me significant emotional distress.
The following day after a court hearing myself and partner were sent to a residental parenting assesment with our baby. We were informed by the judge that we would receive parenting support and courses aswell as baby classes and facilities, relationship counselling, and other emotional and practical support. Myself and partner were so delighted that we would be re – united with our precious baby boy and were very grateful that we were going to be supported.
The residental parenting assesment placement was located in London which was miles away from all our services that we had engaged with throughout my pregnancy.
I had also just had a c – section and medically needed to rest however The Local Authority took me my partner and baby to London and upon arrival I was extremely concerned as the building was badly neglected and unsafe for my baby.
There were large cracks and holes everywhere, the roof
leaked every time it rained which flooded the communal area’s which could have caused a fatal consequence and there were rat’s in the kitchen. All the facilities and services that the placement claimed to provide on their website were inadequate and most non – existent.
The staff and Manger were extremely rude unhelpful and took advantage of vunerable family’s.
Before attending the placement myself and partner had not looked into the ofsted reports which when we were advised to look at them by another mother in the placement we were concerned to see that ofstead had claimed the placement to be inadequate and very poor for the past few years.
We tried to ask the local authority to re – locate us but were told that there were no alternative placements.
When myself and partner discussed our concerns with ofsted whilst we were residing at the placement the Manager was furious that we had spoken to ofsted and terminated our placement resulting with our son being placed into foster care.
Whilst fighting for my son to be in my care I managed to maintain abstinence from all substances, I was discharged from the mental health services, I completed an extensive variety of mental health, parenting and domestic violence courses.
Myself and partner fought a traumatic 18 month court case where we were told not to discuss the matters in which the Local Authority were misusing and abusing their powers of authority.
The local authority caused my son significant psychological trauma by separating him from myself (his mother) and my partner (his father) and destroying the positive bond and loving nurturing attachment that our son had with us.
When myself and partner would have contact with my son he would become extremely upset when he was taken away from myself and his father. We would hear my son screaming as he wanted to stay with us but the local authority would not stop.
I had my parenting assesment and was told that it was positive which meant that my son would be coming home I was overwhelmed with joy all my hardworking had payed of and my son would be home his bedroom was decorated nicely for my son to come home where he would be able to live a happy settled life like other children do with their parent’s.
I was then told that my parenting assesment had infact changed from positive to negative as the local authority had made a mistake which meant that my son was not coming home after all.
This sudden and significant change caused me extreme emotional distress and psychological trauma as I desperately wanted my son home and to be the loving protective mother that I knew I was.
I contacted the St Mary’s adult mental health services in October 2022 as I knew my son’s court case would have a detrimental impact upon my mental health, I was concerned how the same adult mental health services had failed to provide me with support in 2019 and I wanted to be productive and ensure that I had the support that I needed in place to enable me to stay in a healthy positive mindset for my children.
Despite all my hardwork many achievements and significant progress the judge used my past against me and granted the local authority a Placement order.
I wasn’t able to attend the final court hearing in person due to it being far too traumatic and I contacted the Adult mental health team after the hearing who could clearly hear how emotionally distressed and dysregulated I was.
I attended the St Mary’s hospital the following day and explained that I was feeling extremely suicidal after the judge had dismissed all my hardwork and significant progress and granted the placement order which meant that my son would be placed for adoption without the consent of myself and my son’s father.
I felt that what was happening was extremely barbaric unfair and unjustified and was extremely concerned about the detrimental impact and psychological trauma that my son would be exposed to.
My son started to suffer from social and emotional anxiety and as his mother I knew that this was a result of the trauma that the Local Authority had caused him.
In November I had a very bad experience with the qa mental health liason team I was bought into hospital by the ambulance after self harming at home as I was I’m a mental health crisis and upon arrival the nurse could see how emotional distressed I was and put in an emergency referral to the qa mental health liason team
I also contacted them myself to inform them that I was hearing voices that were telling me to kill myself and I was left 7 hours before being seen for a psyciatric mental health assessment.
I was treated extremely badly by the practitioner who completed my assessment. The Practioner was unhelpful disrespectful and the practitioner was literally stood over Me yelling at me which was witnessed by a nurse who wrote a statement as I made a formal complaint which was investigated and the outcome was that I didnt receive good enough care however nothing was done about this.
Then in April I had another mental health assessment where I was referred to the care of the Adult mental health services only to be told that I didn’t fit their criteria.
I also contacted talking change to seek support and intervention however after my assessment and being triggered by my ptsd whilst discussing traumatic information I was sadly told that talking change couldn’t help me as my need’s are too complex.
I have been under the crisis team before and they promised me the world in terms of what support and intervention they were going to provide me with only to be let down and further disappointed when I didn’t receive any support.
I have contacted the crisis team when I felt suicidal and experiencing intrusive Thought’s and the crisis team were so rude disrespectful uncompassionate and unhelpful that I felt worse after speaking to them.
Unfortunately the Adult mental health services in Portsmouth are not providing the proffessional care and intervention that vunerable people like me desperately need and in all honesty I am surprised I’m still alive to send this email.
I have spoken to two nurses at the qa hospital who also witness how vunerable patients with mental health are treated and they know how badly ive been treated so they have said they would be willing to speak with someone from the media.
If this story is published not only will it help to raise awareness about the lack of support and intervention the mental health services provide due to funding and resources. It will also give people hope that something is finally being done to build a positive future. I like to shine my light for others in darkness to see and be a voice for the unheard.
~
Photo credit: Photo provided by the storyteller.