Only Sixteen

I am only sixteen. When I was just 14 years old my life changed more than I ever thought it would. In April of 2016 I stayed the night with my best friend, who was a guy. Which already would have been a problem so I made the wrong decision to lie to my parents about who I was staying with. This night was crazy, but it had been the best night ever. I spent so much time riding around with my best friend and smoking weed, which for me was a big deal at the time. The people he hung around with were bad influences on a 14 year old. They sold and did drugs. And were not good people to be around. Well on this night me and my best friend, and two of our other friends were hanging out in one of their rooms and two of the people in the room decided to do Acid, my best friend included. And my best friend had a gun he carried with him, one of the friends, we’ll call him Zach, wanted to see it. So my best friend made sure the gun was unloaded and locked and Zach looked and played with it. Well after this my best friend put one bullet inside the gun and as a joke said “let’s play Russian Roulette” obviously we all were kind of like hell no. That’s not a smart thing. And he continued to spin the chamber anyways. And pointed it at every one of us in that room. Then himself. After we all yelled and screamed at him to stop he just did it to himself. Spun the chamber. Shot it. Spun again. He did this about four times and then said okay last time. And I’m sure you can fill in the blank. As a fourteen year old this was a lot for me to handle. I was supposed to go to school the next day, it was a Thursday. Not only did I lose my best friend. I saw my best friend take his own life and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pulled from school for a week. And put into immediate counseling which continued through June the following year. I couldn’t eat or drink anything for days and my body started to fail and they told me they’d have to put me in a rehabilitation center if I didn’t eat and most importantly drink water. I finally did so and after suffering and blaming myself for months on end I started to get a little better. A week at a time. And to this day I cry. And wish I had done more. And now it’s been nearly two years and I still struggle with the depression and PTSD it has brought upon me.

I am only sixteen. I was just 15 when my life took a turn down a path I never saw coming. The following summer I was still very depressed and struggling. I chose the wrong friends. And I partied throughout the whole summer. I was drunk every night. And I had started doing drugs that could really impact my body. I was at a party for nearly a week. We were drinking and smoking and doing pills each night. When a 20 year old with a girlfriend told me I was pretty and “had a nice body for a 15 year old” I slept on a couch each night that I was there and one night, the last night I stayed, he got on the couch with me and started rubbing my waist. He was just trying to make ya girlfriend mad. But took it a little too far on a drunk messed up 15 year old. I’ve never been back to the house. Or seen those people again. But after this happened I continued to do drugs, and drink. And never told anyone. Until the Summer of 2017.

I’m only sixteen. At 15 I met someone who impacted me for better and for worse. I’ve gone through a couple hard breakups, ones that were simply hard at the time that looking back on were nothing. But I’m April of 2017 I met a boy. A boy who turned a home into a person. He accepted my past and who I was. And how I was shaped mentally. He was the reason I finally got clean. I fell in love with this boy. He truly was the one. And I’ve never loved more than I loved him. We were so happy. And we swore we’d make it. And we did. For 10 months we made it. Until we didn’t. This was not the boy I lost my virginity to, but he was the boy who I had sex with that meant something at just 16 years old. We were perfect. Until we weren’t. This past February. Yes. A month ago. We fell apart and he left me. After promising no matter what he wouldn’t be like the rest. He’d stick around when things got hard. He didn’t. Things got hard and he left. He told me he needed space and when I tried to fight for us he got mean. I fell apart. He broke me. I didn’t eat for over two weeks. I lost 15 pounds in those weeks. I was not eating and over exercising. I was very depressed and cried and cried. And eventually like anything. I was picking myself up and getting better again. And then just a little over two weeks later he texted me saying how much he missed me and loved me. And of course. I fell for it. He picked me up one Sunday and cried to me and cried to me saying he missed me and loved me and how we would work this out. And then we had sex. And then I went home. And the entire following week he acted like he didn’t want to fix it. He talked to me. But hardly. And then at the end of the week he left again. And that was the most painful thing he could have ever done to me. This time I got worse. I started doing drugs again. Drinking very heavy. Mind you. This was just two weeks ago. I stopped eating again. And fell apart all over again. And then a girl from my church really helped me. I went to church. And I poured my heart out to this girl about everything. And I felt better. But it didn’t fix it. But I’m trying my hardest to rely on god.

I’m only sixteen and I’m so much better than I was. I’m still depressed. I’m still struggling. I stopped drinking. But I’m still struggling with drugs. This past week I fell to drugs again. But I’m working on picking myself up again. And coming out of this. The only thing that’s ever got me through all of this is God. I fully rely on him through everything. I struggle with why God does what he does. But I try and understand. I’ve been 5 days clean of everything and I’m really trying. I’m crying less. And I’m getting back on track in school. And working again. And improving myself. Because In the end of the day the most important thing is taking care of yourself. And even struggling with drugs I continue telling myself I can do this for me. And for God. And for all of my family and friends who would be hurt if something would happen to me. I am sixteen years old with more stories and messed up things than most 30 year olds. I had to grow up very fast. And I graduate in June and will attend Radford University at 17. I’ve made so many accomplishments. And there’s nothing more important than yourself. And you should alway put yourself first. You should never judge another person by their past. You probably don’t know all of it. Always put yourself first and rely on God or whatever you feel would best motivate you. It’s not the end. If you want to get better you have the power to make it better. You will succeed. Believe in you. Be your own number one fan. And no matter what horrible things happen along the way. That will impact your life forever. You will overcome it. I promise.