Dedication: Dedicated to my soul
I was born in a dysfunctional family, where the roles weren’t distributed properly. I had a toxic attachment with my elder sibling. He was the eyes that I saw the world through. I was codependent to a very extreme level… then he met a woman that clinged to him till they got married.
I was just 13 when they met, I felt jealous, abandoned, I didn’t want to loose my place in his heart, I wanted to receive the attention from the only emotional source I had.
She noticed this attachment, rejected it, and searched for every gap to destroy not only my relationship with him but also with anyone that might have a contact with me.
I tried to be close to her to protect my family bonds, and stay close to her children. I invested a lot in my sibling’s family.
Things kept going wrong as they should to set me free, I tried to step backward and have my own life.
My sibling didn’t accept the fact that I want to protect myself, and his wife tried to close any door outside her narcissistic supply.
I changed my phone number: she tried to have the new one, I met a guy: she contacted him, I entered the uni: she tried to enter the uni (the same major).
She tried to know everything about me (where I go? What do I dress? My work?).
I am a prose writer when I started publishing some of my writings, she started writing!
I created a facebook account to keep contact with my sibling, but she had his password, she blocked me, she stalked me through fake accounts.
I caught her, but my sibling denied and accused me that I am sick, he insulted me, till he confessed that she was paranoid but he wanted me to forgive her without her having any remorse! (Which I never did).
I studied psychology and during my studies I discovered that she is a narc, so I cut her off. I limited my connection with my sibling, I was punished by not being able to see his children that meant the world to me at a certain stage. I lost my emotions for the kids to protect my wellbeing. At that phase I was blessed to have the highest score in my major among 600 psychology students, which was my only strength point at that time.
During my healing journey, I met a guy that seemed special, brilliant, charming, he offered his help. He listened, cared about me (superficially), I felt complete safety, I felt that I have someone who really loves me, and can reassure that I am visible, I am heard, I exist!
With time I started discovering what I needed to know so as to wake up (he was alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, manipulative, liar…, he had zero values/ethics).
I had to face the reality that I am dealing with a narc, perhaps subconsciously:
* I was trying to compensate
* I was punishing myself for mistakes I never done
* I was mirroring my sibling’s life
* I wanted to suffer as he (my sibling) was suffering
* I wanted to seek revenge and all I was doing is harming myself.
Finally, It was time to confront myself that I have a distorted self image, and I am stuck in an toxic emotional loop that must be broken, I discovered how much I hated myself and how much I contributed to my destruction.
I cut off the communication with the narc guy, I confronted my sibling and set limits, I isolated myself from all so as to know who I am.
Now I am more assertive in my boundaries, I am rebuilding my self, I don’t accept any disrespect, I let go of anyone who doesn’t value my wellbeing.
I am still going through my healing journey, I know who I am in God’s eyes, so I am trying to leave all the contaminated visions of others to unlock my potentials.. and find my way….