My worst fear is becoming like my parents

Well, it all started when I was around 7. Both my parents are alcoholics and they started drinking. I didn’t fully understand what was going on, I was 7 years old. I remember going upstairs and seeing both my mom and dad passed out in bed. I would have to wake my mom up to make lunch or whatever. It got really bad. Like really bad. They’re not abusive drunks, they have always loved my brother and I so much, but they could never shake the disease. Even to this day, I am 17 years old and it’s still going on. It’s a little better now but they are still constantly drunk, and it just makes me so mad. I will never get over the fact that they were never able to choose their own kids over alcohol. I know it’s a disease and it makes them not the real them, but it still hurts knowing they would always choose alcohol over their own kids. I remember when i was around 7 or 8, one day my mom told me and my brother that we were going to some family friends house that was right up the street. She was rushing us and we were confused but went with it. She didn’t tell us what was going on but I had an idea and then as we were walking out of the driveway to go to the friends house, an ambulance pulled in. my mom told them to go inside and that her mom was in there and she can tell you where to go. Since at the time my grandma was living with us. So she tells us a very minimal explanation of what’s going on but I think we both knew exactly what was going on. As we were at the friends house, my mom was talking to the mom and then three more ambulances rush down our road. My mom then rushes back to our house. My dad had obviously drank too much and was completely unconscious. There were many times they went to rehab and got clean. It never lasted. I always had hope but in the back of my mind I knew it would never stick. This disease takes the people you love. I want the old mom and dad back. But i’ve dealt with this for over half my life. For the majority of my life I have dealt with this and no matter how angry i am, there is nothing I can do. They can’t get clean for themselves. They can’t get clean for their kids. It’s something that I think will never change and I have to be okay that. I am beyond angry at them. There are some days I don’t leave my room. There are days I can barely talk to them and I get very irritable when they try to talk to me because honestly I have had enough. But I can’t do anything about it. It has given me so many problems that are so fucking hard to deal with. I feel like when you have kids, you always want them to look up to you and want them to want to be like you when they grow up. The last thing I want in this world is to end up like my parents. I’m 17 now. The thought of being like them is horrifying. So i’m just blindly making my way through life trying to be the best me I can without many role models. In seventh grade healthy living class, I was sitting in class next to one of my friends and we were learning about alcohol and drugs. We were talking about alcohol and I remember committing to never drinking. And she looked at me and said “Not even when you’re 21? Or on your wedding day??”. And I said no. From a young age i was set on the fact that I was not going to drink ever to make sure I didn’t have ANY chance of becoming like my parents. I remember my tenth birthday. I was really excited because turning double digits is a big deal. I was so excited. Well my birthday comes around and my parents well, are drunk. They’re never not drunk. Even at nine in the morning, they are drunk. Anyway so it was my tenth birthday and I remember wanting to just feel special. Like that was my day. i was ten, three more years til I was a teen, like I was stoked. My parents ruined that one for me. I literally did nothing that day. They were going to the store and I asked to come with because I always loved going to the store. My mom said no. I knew it was because they were going to the gas station to get more alcohol but I still just wanted to go. I ended up crying because my mom ended up yelling at me because I kept asking if I could please go beccause it was my birthday and she kept saying no. For the next 5 of my birthdays I cried for some reason. Mostly just the fact that my parents were always drunk and would treat it like any other day, and all I wanted was to feel a little bit special, even for a minute. I’ve gone through a lot growing up dealing with this and it left me with a shit ton of problems, but it helped shape me into the person I am today and I can say that I am proud of the girl I am today. I wish i never would’ve had to deal with any of this because it did fuck me up, but it also shaped me into this person I am (mostly) proud of. I don’t do stupid shit teenagers usually do. I don’t party. i don’t do drugs. And I’m a pretty good student. One thing I can say is one of my biggest fears now (which I have a lot, thanks to this whole situation) is becoming like my parents. Which is sad to say because every kid wants to have parents they look up to and aspire to be like when they’re older, but I don’t have that and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with a lot that most kids my age have never had to deal with, which I’m happy because what I’ve been through has sucked and I don’t want anyone else to feel the things I’ve felt. But it does suck having gone through all that. And still dealing with it today. I don’t think I will every get my real parents back, they will always be taken by this disease. And I will always have that thought that me and my brother were never enough. If we were maybe they could’ve stopped drinking for good. But they couldn’t. And probably never will. But I’ve learned that I am stronger than I think and I can go through a lot and keep pushing through. I’ve gone through a lot but I still keep my head held high. You only live once. Live it to the fullest.