My story, is no Lie.

Dedication: I would like to dedicate this story to the men and women who were on my journey with me, who went through what I did.

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, be aware that it contains references to childhood sexual abuse and descriptions of self-harm.

Please note: While this story was shared anonymously, we have changed all names and all initials to help preserve the anonymity of the storyteller.

Around the age between 5-7, my parents got a divorce. Like every young child when you parents magically decide to separate, you are lost with confusion. You ask yourself, “why did this happen?” or “was it my fault?” For the next continuous years I was constantly left with confusion. The big question for me personally was, “what was love and why did my parents fall out of it?” When I was 10 years old, I was playing a game on my grandmothers tablet when an Ad popped up. The game seemed interesting so of course whatever spikes your interest, usually you are curious, so due to my curiosity I downloaded the game. The game was online, with hopefully real people and not machines, so like any normal person, I asked for help on how to play the game. Like Instagram, there were private chats, known as DMs on insta, and PMs on this game. Someone reached out to me and being the innocent little girl I was I accepted it because I thought I would just be playing the game. This person was a guy and I suspected nothing of him because I was 10 and just wanted to play the game. He explained to me the game was about war, and taking what you want. He explained how to attack someone, defend yourself using shields, and how to create allies through alliances. I started to talk more with this person and as time went on we did indeed start talking. One day, my mom asked me who I was talking to. I lied and said, “My friend Max.” I did not know this person and it was wrong of me to lie but I was afraid I would be in huge trouble. A few days went by and the guy stopped messaging me back. I was a little upset because I lost a friend but also I liked the attention. I then reached out for help again. Someone replied back and sent me a PM. I accepted. His username was L.B. I will refer to him as L.B because I don’t want to leak his real name. L.B. and I got to talking more and more and then I discovered there were group chats on this game. I was invited to one, and again, accepted. I met lots of new people such as Cane and Emma, who are both females. It was definetly sort of a relief since there wouldn’t be any more guys I didn’t know. This was the first group chat. Everyone wanted to be on this chat. November 2016. L.B.’s birthday month. L.B. and I had gotten way closer to the point where we both caught feelings over the internet. I did not know who L.B. was personally in real life but I was so consumed by the game I failed to notice. I had gotten involved in more group chats and couldn’t keep track of who was in what chat. To my disadvantage, he was in the group chat where I made up a lie basically saying I cheated, and let everyone know. It didn’t occur to me then what an impact that could have on a person because I was so young. I had met more people along my journey such as, (I will refer to people as code names all the way through my life story) Ape, Wild, Z.F., and Jet. When you are 11 years old on the interent, a lot of things could happen, such as getting taken advantage of. I was probably just about to turn 12 in 2017 when I decided to actually “cheat” over the interent, with Jet. Jet sent me a PM through a group chat. A lot of you probably know of RP, role-play, and Jet and I Rped a make-out session. Being 11-12, I had no idea what I was doing but out of curiosity, I decided to go along with the RP. I finally decided before It could get any more sexual to block this guy, I will not go into detail. I went to school the next day feeling ashamed, like everyone had known my dirty little secret. I couldn’t tell my parents because I feared they would think of me as dirty, and a whore. L.B. and I were still “dating” at the time and I never told him, and never knew about him knowing I lied about cheating. Maybe a few months later L.B. started to act differently and I decided to ask what was wrong. He told me he knew about my first “cheating incident.” I panicked and was in shock that I could of been so careless, and that he believed my lie. I decided to fess up about the second cheating incident as well. He ignored it, and we stayed in a toxic relationship. More people have joined at this point In my life now, Serpent, Fade, Brave, Bear,and Villain. Villain doesn’t play a huge role in my story personally, but she does in others such as Serpent, Fade, and Ape. When Serpent joined, everything changed. She was the new Queen bee of the game. Everyone wanted to be with her or friends with her, to be honest I don’t know why. She was the devil herself. Fade and Ape were basically her minions, no offence to them. Both being girls, and under Serpent ruling, they weren’t exactly good influences, at the time. Now, Wild, and Z.F. come in. Wild and Z.F. both fell for Serpent, again I don’t understand why but that was not my problem. Then, L.B. started to fall for Serpent it seemed like. I was just leftovers. I started to get jealous because I was losing attention from L.B. and I wanted him all to myself, being the selfish person I was. Little did I know, L.B. was actually falling for Fade, and it makes sense because they both live in MO, like 4 blocks away from each other. L.B. decided to cheat with Fade. Then I found out and I was upset, but deep down I knew I deserved it. A few weeks later, L.B. told me he was depressed and suicidal because of my actions. During 2017, we had over 9 breakups I believe. L.B. had told me he cut himself multiple times, one I remember he told me diagonally across his chest. I felt so guilty and responsible, I too decided to cut, and I tried slitting my wrist. Bear, Wild, and Z.F. were probably my emotional support, or so I thought. Wild had always been a close friend of mine and has never taken advantage of me. Them being all guys, two out of the three did decide to take advantage. Bear, and I, had sexual RPs, and same with Z.F.and I. I had felt guilty and wanted to emphasise and make everything okay, after Serpent had broken their hearts. Now I don’t truly know if they were in love or not but I felt the need to comfort them. I was 12 at the time. They had both asked for nudes, I did not know how to stand up for myself and say no, so I did end up sending them. I instantly regretted it but they were both my friends so I didn’t know what to do. I still feel guilted by it today. Eventually, L.B. and I had started to get toxically sexual too. 2017 was the worst year of my life. I was sexually taken advantage of over the internet, I lost hours of sleep over drama and suicidal thoughts, I cried almost every night because I was so ashamed of who I was becoming, a whore. At age 12, I was having suicidal thoughts, I was depressed, I was totally unstable, I was lost, and I felt like I didn’t belong in the world because of all my sins. At age 12, I had cut over 20 times, I did not know what to do. I couldn’t tell my parents anything. L.B. and I grew closer and closer into our toxic but yet interesting relationship. I pushed and pushed for us to take our relationship beyond the game, so we did. Kik is a familiar app with a lot of people and we decided to take our relationship there. We then saw what each other looked like, and how old we were. I was 12, while he was 11. We had our first call. It was of course nerve racking because I had no clue what to expect. It was definitely a happy point in my life because we grew closer, but from there on it just got more toxic. We fought more, we had more disputes, we got jealous easier, I got more insecure. I remember taking a picture in just a bra, at age 12. I never sent it to anyone but I felt almost powerful, and sexy. I had gotten so obsessed over L.B. that pictures he sent me of him I made into a collage and set them as my wallpapers on my iPod, that my mother had trusted me with. I had started to sneak around with L.B. and go behind my mother, and my fathers back about what was going on. I had sneaked calls, pictures, and messages to L.B. In April 6th, 2018 (I think), I had had a sleepover with my best friend at the time, and the night before someone I knew in real life asked me out. So I cheated truly on L.B. this time. April 6th, my mother decided to take my phone and look through it while my friend was at the house. She saw all the Kik messages, all my photos, especially the one of me in my bra, and L.B. after my friend had gone home. I was so embarrassed I broke down and started crying. My mom asked me questions like “Are you depressed or suicidal?” and “Do you like this boy?” I denied everything. I lied. I could never tell her straight to her face the horrible things I had done, or the emotions I was feeling. I ended up ashamed, disappointed, and even more suicidal. I went to bed crying, and having suicidal thoughts of slitting my wrist. I even thought of hanging myself. I did not sleep that night. I went to school the next day feeling hopeless and feeling as if again, everyone knew my dirty little secret. My mom told everyone, my dad, who told my grandparents, who then told the rest of their family. I felt so scared and frightened. I thought I was going to die from anxiety. I had never felt those emotions and being 12, was even worse for me. I was away from everyone, meaning the game, for a month, I wish it had been longer. I wanted my phone back of course, but now I wish I never had it back. I went back to the game. Everyone asked where I was. Being the dirty liar I was, I made up that my parents sent me to an insane asylum after finding out about everything. Serpent asked me how I still had my phone in there, and caught me in my lie. I told her my parents had money and payed the asylum to let me keep it. She turned everyone against me and I felt even worse. I told Z.F., Stinger, and Wild the truth, but not L.B. Serpent turned him against me. At this point, I met Vane. She is such a pure hearted soul, she was my only friend I had at the time who believed me, probably because she is younger than I am, but maybe because she looked up to me. I’m glad she only saw positive things and didn’t turn to the monster I actually was. Serpent and I eventually made up along with L.B. and Serpent, L.B., Vane, and I decided to switch games. The second game, put off a more positive vibe. So we all migrated to it. It was a more social game, and we all leveled up quite fast. One day L.B. stopped playing permanently, he had been caught like I had, I found this out later after going back to the first game way later on. Serpent and I stayed friends but we ventured off and did our own things. I then met Sky, and Rock. I was trying to find out who I was and again, decided to do it over the internet. Sky and I had started to like each other so her and I “dated” after she asked me out and I was too shy to say no. I later met Rock who Sky had grown jealous of, and bullied her through PMs on this game. I broke up with Sky and then Rock asked me out and again I was too shy to say no. Rock was a close friend of mine and I actually met another close friend through her called . Rock and I were super close till one day, she cut me off completely and told me to never talk to her again. I felt broken because I lost Rock as a friend. We have never reunited since. I did gain Lily from her though and her and I to this day, are close friends. I still have contact with Sky but we never talk. I had learned I was straight. I stuck around the second game and had met new people such as Mama. Mama was basically like my mother, by my age. She was my best friend during that game and had gone through so much with me, because I had put her through so much. I apologize Mama, for everything I caused you. One particular person in general. I thought Serpent was the devil but was I wrong. A simple Dove, was the devil. He broke me down and used me, for sex. He lured me in and gained my trust, only to suck in, a 13 year old at the time, into doing more sexual rps. An entire year, and longer than that, I was used for sexual pleasure by a 20 year old sick man, who was also using other women at the time too. My pain and suffering, was used against me. I was guilted by him, and treated like a princess. I got everything I wanted, but I didn’t want any of it. Our relationship was too far from the very start. Spring 2019, my mother decided to go through my phone again. I took it from her and tried deleting everything, but she took it back, and saw our sexual messages. We took our texting beyond games, to messages, and another app. My mom caught me again, and shammed me for my actions. I was yelled at and shunned my by father for my actions. I know I could of controlled the situation, but I was too young and dumb to realize that the internet is not always a happy and safe place. I learned this the hard way. Through Lily, I met Sea. We have been friends for almost two years now and she is also one of my best friends. This is part of the joy of meeting people online. You meet people who are important to you, and who you can actually trust. Sea is still, and is probably my number one go-to best friend to this day. She’s a huge contributor to my story and she lifts me up when I am having struggles with my life. 2019 was also a hard year for me, along with the start of 2020. My dad and I had started to have issues and every little thing would make me want to cry. If I was judged, or yelled at, I had to leave the room and calm down because I couldn’t, and can’t handle the stress, anxiety, and negativity. My dad doesn’t know but I’ve probably cried over more things that he has said, than negative words from the first game. Today, I am still effected by all of it and I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I lost my 2 year streak of being harm free on February 9th, 2020. July 2019. I met a very special person. Van. I didn’t intend to fall in love with someone as much as I did him. He was the first person who listened and didn’t use me for sex. He was, and I would like for him to still be my best friend. Yesterday, March 7th, 2020, I decided I needed to cut our relationship off because I wasn’t getting what I needed out of it. We had a very strong connection and relationship it just was not working with where my head is at with all the negativity I still hold from, technically my childhood. Nothing against him, I just was not making due with what I had, I feel partly I was being selfish and asking for too much, but we all make mistakes, including big ones. It’s difficult to let go of relationships, it hurts, it truly does. Throughout my entire journey, I am now 15 and decided to share my story with the world. It does seem fake once you read this over, but you can ask any one of those people I mentioned, and they can tell you, it was and is 100% real. I have ditched both games entirely and don’t plan on ever going back, unless it’s to reunite with Vane. If any one who reads this knows this story is about you, I just want to say thank you, and congratulations. I can’t believe we’re alive. I do want to reach out for those families who have lost a loved one, because I know someone did do suicide due to the first game. It’s sad, but it’s true. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that person. I learned that it was not my fault that any of this happened, and I have learned to forgive, but I can’t forget. There is so much detail I had not put in for the sake of others, but there is always more to the story. I left out pieces that don’t necessarily apply to others, but If you would like to know I’ll tell you. I do still struggle with depression and suicide thoughts still but I would like to say, happiness is real. You can be happy on your own, but it does help to have others along the way. I have struggled with my faith throughout my entire life but I am slowly knowing that God does everything for a reason and that I was put in those positions for a reason. Today, my parents still do not know. Everything happens for a reason, and my story, is no lie.