my shitty temporary life

Dedication: myself, of course.

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood sexual abuse and assault.

so, i have been struggling with depression. i’m not no ordinary girl, going through life and all of the sudden feel depressed. lets start top from bottom, so for starters i was adopted as a baby. crackhead mom who tried to sell me and get rid of me, and abusive dad. but i was a baby so i didn’t know how to feel. well i am white, but got adopted by a black mom and hispanic dad. i was dealing with constant racism but never noticed because i was used to it. hispanic dad was a pedophile, touched on my other siblings even tho i had no idea till later in life. black mom, she was the best in my eyes.. until one day i grew up and realized she was abusive, slinging me around, doing abusive shit & leaving me home to defend for myself. i started making bad decisions , running away doing what i want smoking & stealing horribly. not just stealing money, stealing from stores & principles, all that shit. i never understood a normal life and thought everything i did was normal because i really didn’t have any parent to teach me, which i can finally admit. november 22 2017 came, me being 12 years old. i went into the system, i regretted everything instantly i blamed myself for everything.. which is what i should have done because why would i do the things i was doing? well they told me i had one more chance, i didn’t. i got into foster care, first actual foster home i got accused of sexually harassing another female and took the blame because i knew how important it is to go back home so i thought of her feelings instead of my own. well i got that shit put on my record, and got moved to another home. mrs.cookie is what everyone called her. she was no good, she would racially profile me & would grab me by my neck and hold me against the wall. she had a pedophile crackhead in the house too. one time she was abusing me and my shirt ripped and all i remember is him sexually looking at me while getting my ass beat. she would put her knee in my throat, stomp on my chest, choke me. i remember one time i almost died and she made me apologize but i couldn’t because i was being choked. i was with her for about a year and finally spoke up when i went in respit. its actually hard to tell people when someone is abusing you, you cant just come out and tell them there is fear between you and you’re words. my sisters wanted them to adopt me but nobody had a clue what was actually happening. i’m good at hiding my emotions. well i moved out and had went to about 8 homes in less then 5 months and they werent good for me, either i was constantly being reminded of how ugly i am, or how i’m a “whore”, or how i will turn out to be exactly like my mom. finally my adopted brother found out and took me out all the stress and admitted he wanted to take me in as kinship. well my adopted mom told him no family needs to be taking me in, and he started drinking, and treating me worse then everyone so i moved out.then i moved in with a home i was comfortable with, and i messed it up completely. as soon as they wanted to adopt me i freaked out and said no because in 3 years i was in about 10 different actual placements and i felt unwanted and knew nobody out here really wanted me. it was my struggling point, because my stupid ass had fell inlove with somebody and he broke me into pieces and i told him everything and thought he was all i had. well when i declined the adoption i went to mrs.l house, she barely physically abused me it was all emotional. well i was there for a year and had enough and ran away. i was missing for a week and almost sex trafficked, was sexually abused, laced, molested, almost raped, hurting in ways but had to protect the girl i was with because i care about everyone but myself. now i’m back into the adopted home trying to figure out why i’m so depressed when i feel like everything bad is finally over with. i cry, stay to myself now, dont eat, dont sleep, put my head underwater to drown everything in my ears, i want drugs, i wanna self harm. i have PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD. i dont talk to nobody i have never said so much because nobody bothers to act like they care enough to know whats actually going on. i just dont know what to do i’m really at my lowest right now and its hard for me knowing how i’m still living on this earth with all this pain, worry about being in danger, thinking every man is going to sexually assault me. its hard for me, idk what to do and yeah thats my story, enjoy. and whoever is reading this, if you are going through ANYTHING, you can get through it. if i can you can i believe in you, dont let nobody get to you. nobody will have your back like yourself, you have to love & trust yourself before anyone else. dont put all your faith in nobody just love yourself before anyone else & have dedication, and thats how you win this game of life, dont turn out like me and give up and make bad decisions you couldnt take back your worth is way better your beautiful.