My Love, the one I chose to marry. The one I chose to have a child with, to share my life with. To build a legacy with. You raped me. Why?
You told me you loved me, that you wanted to be with me. Then one day she came and we were broken, even though I was carrying our child. Even though I didn’t complain, I didn’t request anything extra out of fear of being put out. I can blame you all day, but I am more angry at myself. I’m angry I allowed this to happen. I’m angry I was in so much fear for me and my child that I put up with it. I put up with words like “you’re a downgrade.” I put up with you saying you felt bad after you raped me and that you never did that before, stated “I feel Bad I’m sorry”. My responses were silence or weak. You defiled our bed with another woman. You replaced me for physical beauty over our family. Even through all of this I still married you. I still believed that God could change you, that God could help me heal and forgive you. That somehow I could give it all to God. So I did and you changed. You are sweet you are a good father you tell me you love me everyday, you never leave the house without kissing me. You go to counseling to try and better yourself so you can be a better husband and father. You are home every night. You no longer drink or have the desire to go out. Your the man that helps me with life. Yet I find myself hating you I find myself angry at me. I”m still filled with rage. I have my moments of fear. I could blame my choice to marry you and stay with you based on my upbringing or my desire that my child won’t grow up without a father. I just think those are excuses. I no longer desire you physically, I never feel beautiful around you, there are times when I say it hurts and you keep going acting like you didn’t hear me. Sex is not about me it’s about you every time. All this and I yet still love you and wake up everyday and put a smile on my face and keep going. I hate myself everyday, I cry myself to sleep in silence so you won’t know. I tell my Pastor it’s problems with my past relationships or past abuse because I am too ashamed to even speak these words. I had a choice and i chose you and my kids not ME. When did I get to a point in my life where ME no longer mattered. Where everyone was more important. You don’t make me important or our relationship. We just go through the motions. Watching you sleep makes me jealous, I wish I could sleep instead i’m writing this because I can’t. Food doesn’t taste the same, working out doesn’t feel the same. I constantly compare myself to other girls. I glance at your phone to see if it might be a start of something again. Things maybe different for you but for me i’m just hiding it well. With no one to share with but this site…. When you become a mother you will do ANYTHING for your children, even if you have to lay with him…YOU MATTER TOO, I forgot my worth.