My life..

From my childhood I had been a problemed person who never had friends and who wasn’t loved by her family . I was a very clingy child to my mom and elder sister , as a result they always felt that I am a burden to them . I have loved nobody more than my sister but she loved me only for a temporary time. I was bullied in school in my childhood from nursery to fifth class .. At that time the students showed untouchability to me because of my weird silent nature.. I used to behave like an extrovert at home but I didn’t knew why but I felt scared in school because of which I ended up not speaking a word in school .. As I failed to make friends at school and even at other places , my mom started avoiding me and she used to deny me from hugging her as I was very clingy to my mom . It made me learn to never ever initiate the physical contact with every person as experiencing untouchability from the school students and indirectly from my mom was very depressing to me.. it’s so depressing that even today I feel very sad about it and for my entire life I don’t think I could able to get out of that.. It made me believe that I am unlovable for my entire life.. but still I crave for the love and affection very much.
But when I started feeding the stray dogs , the dogs used to love me.. although the people around me always chased them away . It made me love dogs and other animals more and hate humans.. as that’s the worst thing people did to me that they denied me even the dog’s affection and the ones who denied that never showed their affection towards me.
I spend my childhood in trying to convince my parents for letting me have a pet dog but they never ever agreed to that.. even though they were never allergic to the animals.. moreover I feel like it had caused problems in my mental development..
For some duration my sister loved me and I might be satisfied with her.. but when she got a job and I got into the college she changed .. now she don’t love me anymore and have friends to whom she considers her new family and she loves them more than she have ever loved me.. She hide that from our family members which only I knew.. but I never feel like telling them for her sake.. as it will only make the conditions worst for her, me and the family members… it’s still painful to hide for me though because sometimes I feel neglected from her.. but still I try to understand a lot that why it’s so.. and that I can’t do anything about that… but that only makes me lonely..
In the college too , I never able to manage making friends although I tried a lot by getting out of my comfort zone.. my trial was a failure and I even ended up getting a very low cgpa because I wasted all of my energy in trying to make friends . Now I am totally alone without any friends and family to love me.. and I keep on craving for the love and affection ..
It makes me very depressed.. so much that I am suffering from suicidal thoughts.. I tried to convince my dad to show me to a therapist but he denied that as it is costly in our area.. I am only taking the medicines without any counselling but it doesn’t feel like working for me.. I don’t have the energy to do anything now a days and I have stopped enjoying doing the things which I used to do earlier.. as those were the things which have isolated me from the people around me.. I never had interest in those things which excited others around me.. even when I tried to show interest in that for eg.. in shows or movies , it made me feel lonely.
I was interested in studying about animal behaviour, psychology, behavioural science , subjects related to science like physics and biology, ethology, ecology , cybernetics, photography, travelling the world , adventure sports .. I even had my own research about what language is universal which can be understood everywhere in the universe.. which I felt like doing earlier… but I have stopped and I could only able to do that when I am feeling happy…. I mean I had my own little world to satisfy myself .. but still deep inside I feel like I have grown up in an unnatural way because I behaved like an extrovert in my childhood but my circumstances made me an introvert .. for some years it suited me.. but now a days I feel scared about being alone for my entire life…
Even though I used to think about doing the off grid living but then also I don’t understand how I ended up having this anxiety of being alone..
The problem is that I am touch deprived from my childhood till now and even in future too I don’t see any hope of overcoming that…. nobody have ever shown the phyiscal affection to me after a particular age.. it had been years since I have got the physical affection last time… maybe I was a baby when I got it for the last time from my mom…. I learned about touch deprivation online and I tried to tell about it to dad , sister and a friend.. but they never understood me .. I couldn’t tell mom as she is not alive now.. She died 3 years ago from cancer.. but their negative response made me felt very terrible… as my friend and sister only behaved towards me in the negative way whereas they do show the phyiscal affection to someone else… It makes me feel frustrated from why they can’t behave in the same way to me like the way they do that for others..
My sister used to love me earlier but after she had made friends, she don’t love me anymore…
My friend was never that close to me.. but still I felt like telling her.. it made me feel terrible.. I wish that I would have never told her about that as her response was like an insult to me.. She have other friends who are very much better than me and she have always loved her family more than her friends.. so I feel lonely and unwanted from that..
I want to have a friend who could consider me like his or her family member…. but in the college I didn’t even managed to make a best friend.. People suggest me to make a boyfriend but I find it impossible because of the personality I have.. Nobody could ever treat me special.. and nobody could ever love me me for who I am with all my negative qualities….
I hate the fact that I crave for the phyiscal affection and I have always liked it inspite experiencing untouchability from the people..
I never do initiate the physical contact with anyone but I dream about someone initiating that for me and someone comforting me while I am crying ..
While crying nobody have ever comforted me.. In fact my mom used to scold me for every drop of tear I had in my eyes.. that made me learn to never cry in front of others.. and I have even learned to control my tears whenever I am about to cry in front of someone.. but I cry a lot when I am alone..
Believing that nobody will ever gonna comfort me while crying and nobody will ever want to hug me , makes me feel so sad that I am suffering from depression by that belief..
I even feel like killing myself for the person I am .. as I have noticed people being uncomfortable in talking about touch deprivation and sometimes they may find me creepy.. even though I never really craved for sex.. I just craved for platonic phyiscal affection which everyone gets from someone..
One day I have learned about animal assisted therapy, emotional support animal , and psychiatric service dog.. By knowing about that I knew that an ESA would help me for sure..
but unfortunately that doesn’t exist in India.. so I can’t have that… It made me feel like I am left with no solution..
I want to have a pet dog as early as possible.. without that I feel suicidal.. even though I try to not commit a suicide but still I can’t get ride of that thought as I can’t control my craving anymore.. I am harmless to people as never initiate the physical contact and I can never ever torture someone from that.. But the craving tortures me a lot..and I am harmful to myself instead of others…. please help me to find a way to get a pet dog as early as possible..
I think that only a dog can love me the way I want.. I want to live with that dog everytime like a way people with the service dog stay with their dog everywhere… I can’t manage to leave the dog while going for a work or for studying .. I want to be with it every time and everywhere..
I wish it had been possible to emigrate to some other country for getting an emotional support animal.. but it’s easier said than done.. but still if it’s possible then please let me know..
Other than that I managed to have an idea that I want to move forward by trying to pursue getting settled in a developed country like canada with a pet dog.. Also I wish to stay at a place with less population of people and where I could find the greenary but I don’t know the steps to implement that idea .
I am not really sure whether it could remove my loneliness or not .. but maybe it might be able to give me a little satisfaction..
Please help me find a college in Canada after doing B.Tech computer science engineering in India from a private engineering college with my low cgpa of 6.48 where I could go with a pet dog and after that I could able to get a citizenship of Canada so that I could settle there permanently.
If there’s any other place better for staying with a pet dog , you may let me know that too.. but I want to live somewhere safe..
And please help me by suggesting a job which is best for someone like me who always want to stay with a dog and who is not good at communication and is not really talented in anything..
Please help me find a new home where I can start a new life.. and please help me find a way to get a pet dog as soon as possible.. as it’s urgent…
These are the things I wanted to ask someone who is willing to help me.. but even with this desire to ask I still tried to do some of the research on my own..
I found about some colleges online that allow pets.. but even then I felt not sure about going there.. as they charge extra fees for that.. and moreover they don’t allow the pets in the classroom..
I feel so weak and lonely now a days that I think that I need a psychiatric service dog or an emotional support animal who could accompany me everywhere.. as most of the times I start feeling anxious suddenly without a warning.. and I feel very lonely everytime…
but the problem is that I am an Indian and there are no emotion support animals in India..
and now a days because of the effect of coronavirus.. I am afraid that I might not have an option to emigrate to Canada or some other developed country.. as the world economy would be affected so badly that even Canada might not have so good standard of living after the end of coronavirus..
Earlier coronavirus didn’t bothered me.. but with the time my sister told about how it has affected the students who went to study abroad and how it might even affect those who want to settle abroad.. it made me feel more anxious and also stupid at the same time as I was thinking about moving abroad during the lockdown period… I had been searching about pet friendly colleges which are mostly in USA and also about the pet policy in the colleges of Canada.. I googled about pet friendly colleges in Canada but I ended up getting the results that the colleges allow service animals and emotional support animals .. but mostly they don’t allow pet ..
I really wish that I could have an option of having an emotional support animal.. I really need one.. everday I feel more touch deprived.. and I know that my touch deprivation can be cured only by a loving pet dog… humans can never ever give me that amount of physical affection.. even if I have also liked the humans’ physical affection.. and that too to so much extend that I even like hugs from the strangers.. even if the stranger the is a boy… I may not even feel insecure about unwanted touch like the way normal girls do.. it makes me more prone to rape or sexual abuse…
To avoid that.. it must be better for me to have a priority for wanting the physical affection.. that’s why like everyone else I also think that wanting a physical affection from a single individual is better than trying to have it from everyone.. and I will be happiest to have it from an individual rather than from everyone..
but I hate the fact that even if that individual is a pet dog.. I don’t able to find a way to have one..
now a days I feel even more hopeless and suicidal.. I wish that I would have died from a disease… I even wish that I would have died from cancer instead of my mom.. my mom died when I was in the first year of my college.. That was also a depressing event in my life.. as I was attached to mom.. although still not very much because she always pushed me away from her whenever I wanted to be with her.. but still maybe she loved me a little as compared to other people I have known..
Now a days I am very lonely without friends and family… I can’t able to feel better anymore..
I have lost my ability to take decisions for myself.. and I have also lost the desire to live because I need love and affection.. and I can’t get it from an animal or a person…
I am suffering from the symptoms of depression like sleeping a lot and little and eating disoders .. and the lost of interest to do anything and also the things which I liked.. I feel like I should pursue studying animal behaviour but I don’t want to pursue living my life without someone to love me..
that’s why I need a pet dog as soon as possible.. it’s very urgent for me… please help me find a solution to my problem..

I felt like that for sometime and I have conveyed that to a suicide prevention helpline.. they tried to give the emotional support to me but still something was still lacking there … although it doesn’t seem like helping a lot.. only very little I felt I got a help because they were helpless in getting me an ESA which I only thought to be a solution initially… but still one day I questioned myself how will an ESA help me and I have got the answer in my mind that the ESA would be only helpful and will be a real ESA when I would have a pet who understands me.. and then I have another question of how will the pet understand me ? I have an answer to this is that it is only possible if I would be successful in understanding my pet first… and then I got curious about how the animals communicate ..
The incident of loneliness and interest and love in animals made me think to pursue animal behaviour in the future and to do a good research in how animals communicate and to find ways to make human-animal communication possible.. so I suddenly got interested in pursuing animal behaviour course and I tried to search for the colleges that offer this course .. I end up getting some colleges successfully but I had trouble in understanding about the registration, admission and as those colleges were forieng Universities which are out of my family’s budget so also about Visas, financial aids , educational loans and scholarships… I have the problem in understanding about the overall admission procedures and the ways to make it possible to really study there… it was so difficult that although I tried a lot and I end up even taking the help from the college people itself about these things for only three universities Indiana University Bloomington, Eckerd college and University of sterling.. so I understood the application process a bit more but still I found understanding about the admission procedures so frustrating that I ended up thinking I won’t able to get into any of the colleges I have found… but I got at this stage after a lot of hard work … and after I tried to take help from my sister ( although she wasn’t talking to me but started talking to me a bit .. so I asked her for the help ) and the cousin sister who’s my sister’s suggestion to take the help because the cousin sister is settled abroad so she knows more than her… but taking the help wasn’t that useful although the cousin sister was nice towards me even when I talked to her after the years but she was still very busy to actually able to answer all of my queries.. I tried talking to my sister again for this problem then she told me I won’t able to do it because I am finding the required processes for getting the admission boring… I told her that I got frustrated in understanding about that because I wanted to start studying animal behaviour earlier .. I told her that because I felt like the colleges only need a good score in English proficiency entrance exams and a profile which shows a lot of knowledge about animal behaviour.. so I felt like for pursuing even the admission in animal behaviour course I will get to study about the animal behaviour for the majority of my time even before an admission to make a profile which is good for animal behaviour.. but unfortunately rather than getting the time for that my time got wasted in figuring about how to get an admission at the universities…
when I told her about that she got mad at me and told me to dream smaller instead… as I had been asking her a lot of questions inspite her busy schedule by sending long messages on the whatsapp…
It even led to more arguments as I also told her that I am frustrated from the fact that she considers her friend the family and she don’t consider me and people at home her family….and I also told her that I can’t able to make such close friends like the way she has .. so my friends don’t consider me a family.. instead they love their real family members… and are insecure in trusting the outside world..
She got mad at me and told me that it’s because I am jealous of everyone because they are capable of loving and I am not at all capable of loving anyone and then she ended the conversation and told me that she won’t reply to my messages … she told me all of that when I have also mentioned in the messages that I loved her but still she loves her friend more than me…
I felt very sad after that day.. and I have lost my energy to do more research on higher studies and I ended up making plan B of pursuing online job with my personal research… but still I haven’t able to collect the required material even till now because the college exams are comming and I haven’t done the preparation for that.. so my days were gone in trying to study for that although I failed to study because my mind wasn’t in that everytime I tried to study…
after that conversation, I even got frustrated on my previous friend about why she loves her family more and can’t love me like her family.. it made the arguments so worst that I ended up hearing from her that if I would talk about that forcing her to be my family then she won’t talk to me ever again .. so I felt like apologizing her even though deep inside I am very frustrated and pissed off from her thinking and her insecurity.. but I tried to show the empathy towards her…. and even though she is not angry on me anymore… I am feeling even more lonelier and sad now a days…. I still wanted her or someone else to say that they love me like a family… which everyone found wrong to tell me…
not even my real family members dad, grandparents and my sister says that…
so now a days I had been feeling terribly lonely and I am scared from the amount of loneliness I have in my life …. as I always had been that alone but still never got used to it because somewhere I really loved my sister and mother … and they left me…. so I always had trust issues but I still ended up spending a lot of time with my mom and sister .. so much that now without them it feels kind of weird and scary… even my mom’s death didn’t bothered me so much earlier because I had my sister at that time.. but now a days when my sister left me I miss both my mom and her…
Even though I am trying to move forward by trying to focus on my interest in doing a research on animal communication and animal language.. and I have also found a community and an animal behaviourist who’s goal is same as mine… about finding the ways to make human animal communication possible..
I am even happy about that I am not alone in my research.. but still deep inside I am still afraid of spending some days alone…
I can only able to come in contact with those people in my life when I would have done some good work in this research…but I haven’t done anything.. I have only estimated some possibilities without studying about anything.. it’s just a normal thinking or belief which I have to make a reality before getting in contact with them… so it will take a lot of time to proof that in the real life.. so much that it will take years to do some real work in that research.. only after that I would able to meet other like minded people… moreover it’s not only that… my desire to make human animal communication will also open me the opportunities to make animals my family instead of humans and I always found animals better than humans.. so even if I won’t had any like minded people who wants to make human animal communication possible.. I am still very devoted on finding the solutions to make human animal communication possible…
it’s because I love animals very much and I believe in getting the love from the animals by working hard.. but I still don’t believe in getting the love from humans by working hard because of all the things I have experienced in my life..
inspite the fact that this research also includes studying about the human behaviour in detail as for human animal communication we need to know about the behaviour of both animals and humans in detail… even though this research could make me more capable of understanding other humans also in some way … but still I would never able to trust the people like the way I trust animals… but inspite my own choice of not trusting the people… I will always feel a void of having a human’s love in my life….
In fact even though this idea of finding the solutions to make human animal communication possible have stopped me from commiting a suicide.. but still indirectly sometimes I think that I also want to involve in the research because I won’t able to notice how my years will go in that and I would easily able to spend my whole life to get the time of my death naturally… this makes me think that I am commiting a suicide indirectly by getting involved in a life time research…
I still think that I would have to spend my life so it will end soon… so somewhere my desire to die is still there with me….
I would only able to feel happy in reality when I able to have a family like bond with someone whether that’s an animal or a person..before that I would never be happy for real …. even if I would spend my life in doing a research.. but only the goal makes me more happy than the journey…
as being lonely would always be my weakness ….and I would always wish that I would never have been that alone like the way I am…. and I would still get scared of being lonely for real… it’s just like a mental disorder…
but I would able to consult a doctor very late in my life only when I would be financially independent… as my family members don’t care about showing me to a psychatrist and even though I tried to tell them a lot about it’s importance but still they never listened to me and always told me that I am fine… even if I am not fine at all…
it’s just a sad reality of my life that I don’t have anyone who loves me… I hope one day I will get ride of this lack of love even if it means my death after spending my life in doing a research…
I just want my loneliness to end either by my death or by getting someone either an animal or a human in my life to love me like a family… both of these things would satisfy me… I am craving and trying my best for the latter but I am not sure about whether that will happen in my life ever or not.. so I also believe in the former…..
but still even if no one loves me in the end I still try to understand that it’s not their fault.. it is only my fault to not get the love in my life.. I will just think that I don’t deserve it because I am a bad person ….
I care so much about the world that I only hate myself for that and I don’t hate the world for that.. even if I would want to love myself and hate the world.. it would never really happen….
it’s difficult for me to love myself after experiencing not getting the love from anyone else… I really need the love and affection of someone… and I can’t tolerate this need anymore…. I hate myself for having such a need when I really can’t have someone to love me…
But still I always doubt that how will I be able to get ride of this need…

thank you very much for reading all of this about my life and for giving me your time…

Story shared by...

Kashish

I have mentioned everything about myself in my story .. my story is based on my real life experience..