I’m still healing

Dedication: Myself

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains a description of childhood rape.

Before I start, I would like to note that this does not even cover a quarter of my entire life story. This is just another problem that has occurred in my life. I have been through many difficulties, however I’ve always used them as fuel to better myself. Perhaps I will share my entire life story one day on here to you all, as a means of inspiration to many young girls struggling out there. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Additionally, I would like advise readers with a **trigger warning: r*pe. This story covers a traumatic event that occurred when I was 14, I am now 24 years old and I have never shared this story with anybody although it has impacted me. I was a troubled and depressed teenager. My parents separated when I was 11 and I witnessed my father physically abuse my mother growing up and I experienced child abuse from my father as well. I had met this boy who was around 18 and longer in high school at the time. People from my school knew him, so I never saw him as a threat. We started talking on friendly terms getting to know each other. A few days after speaking he invited me over to his house one day to hang out and drink and smoke weed with his friends. I invited two of my girlfriends with me, whom both left me alone there later on in the night. My mom told me to be home by 10pm. I planned on only drinking a little and then sobering up and going back home to avoid problems with her. Well we were drinking tequila and I got very drunk to the point I blacked out.The night was a blurry night because I blacked out drinking and barely remember anything after taking a few shots. I don’t know how I got so incredibly drunk after taking 5 shots. My mom was going crazy looking for me and ended up finding me at his house, she told me the next day when I woke up that she found me having sex with him and got me dressed and took me home. I didn’t remember any of this. I did not consent to sex with him and when we were speaking prior to meeting it was never on sexual terms. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I was drunk, he was an adult and I was a minor, and I never consented to sex. To make matters worse, I did not want the whole school to find out what happened because they would bully me and call me a “whore.” No one would ever believe my story. So I chose to date him so I would not look like a “slut” in front of my family and my school. I left him after 3 months because I questioned my situation. It was such a humiliating and demeaning feeling that I experienced. I felt like my mother even viewed me as a nasty person. I questioned my actions and why I was so stupid to date my r*pist so I would look better for everyone else. Why didn’t I care about myself and my well being enough to not do something so stupid? I was always so confused about that night because I knew what happened was not right. It was not until years later when women started sharing their sexual assault stories and speaking out that I came to terms with the fact that I was actually r*ped that night. Drunk=does not mean consent!!!