I remember

My story contains stuff that might be uncomfortable for some people. I had to go trough it but that doesn’t mean you have to. It contains SA , abuse & murder.

I remember a lot from my childhood. Bad memories. I remember being left out , being hurt. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. Someone had to protect and raise my siblings. Even tho they hated me i would do anything for them. You see my mom is an alcoholic with no job and dad loves her to much. She hates her children and always tells my father lies that would get us in trouble. We did nothing wrong but if we would try to say something we knew we would get beaten by her. The only support i had were the dogs. Until one day they pissed her off. I still get the flashbacks of them.. in that tree. Whenever we were slave enough for a week we were allowed to go outside. So whenever i could i would go to my friend. I wanted to make so many friends just to fill that hole. My sick mind is always haunting me. I remember a friend. It was a mistake to think he was a friend. I remember him pulling me in a cabin. Trying to kiss me. I turned my head away and told him to stop. I walked away but he snatched me by my arm en pinned me against the wall. He made me watch him. I felt disgusting. I wondered why it had to be me to suffer more. Never enough. I was happy once. There was this guy. We immediatly got along so well. We were best friends. Same humour everything. We did everything togheter. When we got home we would call eachoter each day. I had to do it in secret because it would piss off my mom. And when we could we would game together online. Our inside joke was “do you want to build a tree castle in minecraft”. I remember him listening to me how it made me comfortable. I would always keep my problems a secret. But he just had this look on his face and i just knew he really cared for me. One day he confessed to me and it made me so happy. We started dating and we were so happy and he was so cute to me. One day in school a friend told me he was only with me to piss her off. At that time i didnt know she liked him and the stuff she said about me behind my back. I just tought it was true because happines is not meant for me. I thought she was my friend. So i ended things with him without explanation because i promised her i wouldn’t tell him she told me. Don’t know why i didn’t realize it sooner. It was so hard for me seeing him everyday talking to her but he never made a move. I remember a year later we had a school trip. Him and i started talking to eachother again on the bus. It made me so happy i wanted to cry. I tried to date another guy to forget him but it made me feel like a horrible person so i didn’t do that anymore. When we got to the building we were staying at we all put our bags in our rooms. The boys went to our rooms and the teachers yelled at them. When they went back he winked at me. When we got back from some museum i visited some guys from my class just anoying them like i always do. He got out of his bed en pushed me out the door. I started to fight him and he pulled me into a hug. I let my gaurd down and thats when he trows me on the floor. We bursted out laughing and he told me he was sorry and helped me up. I told him i was happy we were talking again and that i was sorry. He asked me why. And i told him iwe were never going to be able to stay together. Because of his religion ,that my parents and his parents would never allow (that was also true). He told me he don’t cares about what others say and then he stepped closer i automatically stepped back until i was cornered against the wall he put his hand next to my head against the wall and got closer with his face. They way he was looking at my lips made me feel butterflies. When we kissed i felt like i was in a movie. Then we stopped kissing because on of the guys came out in the hallway looking for him. He was a shy guy but really funny, when he saw us he just turned around and went back inside. He laughed and rested his head on my shoulder. I told him i had to back to my room because the girls would wonder where i was. He walked after me and stopped me on the stairs he hugged me and asked me if we could be together again. I was still confused because i could see he really always loved me. I just said not now i need to think. He took a few steps higher and kissen me on my cheek. Please? He said. And i just repeated not now. I got back and told my closest friend. She was happy for me because she knew how i never stopped loving him and she also was a very close friend of him. On the second night while everyone was asleep they went back to our rooms. We all got talking and soms girls just went to sleep and the other guys started flirting with my friends. No one noticed us. Sitting in the back. We were making fun of them and gave them a voice over. When we made eye contact he tucked my hair behind my ear and told me “at game night all the girls did their makeup, but you just didn’t bother to even do your hair.” I smiled and told him it just didn’t make sense why you would put makeup on after you just got out of the shower. He grinned and whispered “you looked more beautifull that any of them trying to” i started to feel those butterflies again and he kissed me again. It was dark in that room and no one saw us at the end of the room sitting on my bed. Kissing. He pulled me on his lap while he was sitting up straight against the wall. After a while he was spooning me and i was falling half asleep i felt his hand going under my shirt and then he checked on me i think he tought i was asleep because he pulled away his hand. That’s when the other guys said they had to go back in case some teacher comes to check on them. He tucked me in and kissed my forehead. As soon as they closed the door i went to my friends and told them how cute he was. They shared theyre stories and then we decided we would go to them. When we got there he was really happy and some other guys who didn’t come to the girls room where very confused. That shy guy smiled at me like he knew. We cuddled some more then we had to hide because a teacher did come to check and eventually we all went back to our rooms. When we got back from our school trip it was like i got a reality check. That girl “my friend” and her cousin didn’t come to the school trip. And we all promised we would keep that night a secret so the teachers won’t find out. Somehow she knew and we just wanted to know who was the one that told her. She didn’t want to tell us. Then rumour got out i was the one who told her. They were all angry at me. Some guys started calling me names. The girls thought that i was a bitch because “i lied”. I went to her and told her tell them it wasn’t me you know who it is tell them. She shrugs and looks around and i got really confused. Who was she trying to protect. The guy i like texted me saying the guys wherr trying to convince him i was a bad person and he told me he believed me. I was all alone again. In school, at home. I told him not to sit with me because i didn’t want to bring him into trouble. So that’s the second conflict of our relation. I don’t remember why but a year later we were not talking anymore. Also some rumour. I still loved him but i didn’t show it to anyone this time. I caused him to much pain. And i saw him fall in love with someone else. And whenever he came to my friends to talk with them i just left without anyone noticing. One time i was walking to school with my close friend and a saw him walking with a girl. She looked at me and she said “really? Even now?” I smiled holding back tears and i told her i don’t think i can ever stop. I made her promise not to tell anyone. I remember that “friend” her cousin and her got into a big fight. That’s when i and that cousin got closer. One day she told me she had to tell me because she felt really guilty. Turns out he never dated me to piss her off, she liked him and got jalous of me and him. She was also the one who told everyone i told her about that school trip night. She also started a rumour about me and that’s the whole reason he started to think of me as a liar. I just can’t imagine how someone could lie like that? Just because she likes him? The next year i went to another school fresh start i said. Got some new friends and good ones to over time i started dating a guy. It was good but from time to time i thought to myself that i’m never going to be able to feel the way i did with him. And it sucked all of it i dated that other guy for 2 years. I remember when i first started to get supsicious. I remember when i caught him texting other girls. I remember him making me feel ugly. I remember him blaming me for his behaviour. I talked to my sister about it and she told me i should let him. Don’t check his phone don’t go look for him when we’re at a party and if he cheats then he doesn’t really love me. So i did. And he did cheat on me. I noticed myself becoming angry. Why do i have to have all the bad stuff? A few years later i met a friend i haven’t seen or heard in years. We started to hang out again and i helped him because he struggled with addiction. he has been trough a lot. One time we got into a fight because he sold a phone i gave him for his drugs. I knew we would talk again i just wanted him to see he was wrong. I never got the chance. Some people took him in and overdosed his food. He was found dead the next morning. He owed them money. And they took his life , made it seem like it was an accident. I never got the chance to tell him he is not alone. I never went to his memorial because of the guilt i felt. He was a good person life just was not good to him. A few months later i started dating again. He is the best and i love him. I notice myself acting out on him from time to time. But he knows my family situation and i tell him i don’t mean to do that. 6 months into our relation we were hanging out at a bonfire because that’s the only place we can hang during the pandemic. My first boyfriends bestfriend comes to me. He was really drunk and asked me “who are you?”. I smile and say “you know who i am (his name)”. He laughs and tells me well he is also here and points at him (first boyfriend). He was sitting on some steps. With his back turned to me. I smiled at his bestfriend and said “that is very interesting thank you for telling me this”. I acted like i didn’t care anymore. I felt guilty for my boyfriend that i had these thoughts. He is so nice to me. But i wanted to go to him. I wanted to sit next to him and say “do you want to build a tree castle in minecraft”. I could just feel from the way he was sitting there alone, his bestfriend coming over to me. That he feels te same. He once told me he never loved like he loved me. I wanted to tell him thank you. Thank you for making me feel like we are the main character. Thank you for bringing joy and love in a dark time. But i couldn’t. He feels like my soulmate. But the universe has a different plan for us. I still think about him but i do love my boyfriend. I feel so bad for thinking like this. I wonder if he still thinks about me. It’s been years but the moment i saw him al my memories of you came back. I wanted to let these feelings out. And i guess writing it down and sharing my story will help me forget the bad things. But also remember the good things forever.