Dedication: I like to dedicate this story to young girls and women all around the world. Your "Voice Matters" and "I hear You"
Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of adolescent sexual molestation and assault.
I’m amazing because I know that my voice matters and that I was created for greatness. I didn’t always feel like this. Actually, it has taken a really long time to get to this place. Three decades to be exact. I can finally talk about the things that have plagued me for decades. I can’t tell you the exact date or time when I regained my voice. However, I do know that it was one evening while talking to my 16yr old daughter at the time that I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable and courageous to tell her what happened to me. I told her I was molested by an older boy who lived on the street that I grew up on. I couldn’t believe I said it. Now it was out of my head and could no longer hide in the shadows of darkness, shame and guilt that plagued me for decades. As I told her what happened not giving too many details but enough that freedom began for me. The entire time she listened. She never said a word. I didn’t feel judged or blamed for what had happened to me. Which I did feel those things. You know you always think it was your fault. I thought because I was promiscious that I did this. And then being told by the violator that if you tell anyone I will tell them it was all your fault. As a young girl I was afraid. I didn’t even know that what he was doing was wrong. He would do it often right around our other friends but know one would know it. It was always at night and we used to sit on the steps of his house all of us. I would sit a step below him right in front of him. It was dark their house and the neighbors had front bushes (wide shrubs) that made it even darker in that area. By the way it was Summer time too-very hot. I usually had on a short sleeve, tank top and shorts. He would put his hand down the side/inside my shorts and underwear to arouse my clitoris and vagina until I climaxed. It happened time and time again. No one knew. I was around 13 or 14 years old. He was 18 years old or maybe a little older. I can’t remember. It happened so much and he would threaten me with the lies every time that after while I didn’t fight it. I used to by clenching my legs together and he would whisper the threats in my ear. Sometimes he would bite my ear really hard to hurt me to make me yield to him. Because of the frequency I started to get numb to it all and in a crazy way I started to be okay with it happening. I believe girls or women that this takes place with is done to help you cope with it. It’s something that doesn’t occur consciously. You don’t wake up and say, ” Oh yes, I like this.” However, brain and body is trying to cope with the trauma, sexual abuse, lies, manipulation, fear, guilt, shame and violation. Maybe deep down inside I thought if I let him do it may he will leave me alone. Eventually, it stopped. I believe he got a girlfriend and the group of friends we stopped sitting on their steps. One time I was in his home because the reason why I sat on the steps from the beginning is I was friends with two of his sisters. I was hanging out in his sister’s room one day. They went down stairs. I was waiting for them to come back up and the brother came in the room and cornered me against the wall. He began grabbing me and touching me. Nothing happend because his sister began to approach the room and kicked him out. When she arrived we acted like we were play fighting. You know how brother’s pick on sisters and their friends. She kicked him out the room. You know for years I struggled with what happened to me and never told anyone for decades. As I began to be more promiscous I always struggled with intimacy. I would trick the guys into thinking they were really intimate with me and they weren’t half of the time. By the way I dated guys who were weed smokers or drank codiene (a drug found in cough syrup). By the way these drugs are downers and they didn’t know what they were doing half the time. As a result of those drugs those young men struggled with getting or keeping an erection. I realized I didn’t like to be touched, kissed, hugged or be intimate. When I did do any of these things I would feel dirty like a prostitute because I would only allow my body to be in it not my mind. This course of behavior followed me into my marriage which ended in divorce for soo many reasons. I will share another story for that. By this time I’m approaching 18 or 19 years old and I moved away from my childhood neighborhood. I became a Born Again Christian. I had invited Jesus Christ to come into my heart, forgive my sins, formed a personal relationship with Him and now I inherited eternal life. My life changed drastically in a lot of ways and for a lot of reasons but the darkness of the molestation was always there hiding in the darkness of my thoughts. A lot of things changed but a lot of things didn’t. I continued with living a promiscous lifestyle in Christ. I was hiding it of course. I would meet different random young men and older and end up sexually envolved with them. I wanted to be free of what felt like a trap for me but felt like I couldn’t stop. And I couldn’t tell anyone. What would people think, say or how would they even treat me. Knowing that I’m supposed to be liveing for Christ now. I did those things and at different times my roommates(sister’s of the faith) that would challenge me but I would deny or verbally fight back. I would retaliate by shutting down, being mean spirited, arguing or even self sabatoging myself by getting fired or be relieved from minstorial duties. My esteem was at an all time low. I would have highs and lows throughout my walk and after while I learned to push it soo far down that it wasn’t at the surface level anymore. I remember wanting to be married so much and have a child. I’m sure this was the looking for love syndrome. Oh, and I had daddy issues too. Again, I’ll tell that story at another time. Oh, I found out later that the young man passed away in his late thirties from cancer.
Now decades later I’ve had opportunity or made opportunity to tell my story to loved ones, friends and at speaking events. I’ve been on a journey for the past six plus years to help other young women and older women heal from abuse. This healing process that I engage with other young women and older women deals with sexual, emotional and some physical abuse. Also, I’ve experienced being in a marriage with an narcissist. I married a narcissist who is the father of my daughter who is 21 years old now. My daughter has her own set of trauma due to emotional, physical and narcissicism in the marriage that she saw. As well as the trauma of divorce and being bullied as a young girl. Again, another story for another time. I promise to come back and share these segments of my life in hopes that I can encourage and help someone else out of a dark place to gain freedom/victory. And to know that “Your Voice Matters” and “I Hear You!”
I’m excited and happy to advocate for women all around the globe to help them Heal, Create and live with Divine Purpose. Guess what? Your next. I love this platform that allows young girls and women to have a safe place to share their story.
Write your story, share your story and tell someone what happened to you. Remember, ” I Hear You”
You are valuable.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.
You are one of a kind.
You were made in the image and the likeness of your Creator “Almighty God”
You are a gem.
You are special.
You are uniquely gifted.
You have intrinsic value.
You are brillant.
You are a genius.
You are a superstar.
You are funny.
You are intelligent.
You are creative.
You are meticulous.
You are witty.
Most of all you are not alone. The world is waiting for you. The little girl on the inside of you must be healed and made whole to become the woman she was always suppose to be. The woman must be healed and made whole so she can create and live in Divine Purpose.
It’s time for your star to arise.
Write I Am(“Am” means and it came to pass) ________________ .fill in the blank.