A process of accepting yourself

Okay, so I’ll begin with telling you all that as a kid i was an introvert kid, a kid who is too shy in class or any occasion, so in my school life till grade 7 i never had a genuine close friend as i wasn’t really a socialized person, and i really didn’t care cause it was okay for me being alone, it was just comfortable for me, and i wasn’t really a good student so no one really liked me, but you know as you grew up you get insecurities, the same was with me, i was in grade 6 when i was so desperate for people to like me, cause after so many years, i kept on hearing my faults from everyone that i needed someone to actually comfort me, in other words i needed a friend, so i joined some of the students i used to play with them but i can’t call them my friends they never liked me or appreciated me, yeah i also felt out of the place so many times, i left that group and i started praying that a new student should transfer to my class, so i can be friend with a person who actually don’t know me, that was the moment i started to myself that’s the reason i didn’t wanted anyone to know me and i was wishing for someone who don’t know me, so in grade 7 a new student was transferred and i made her my friend. I was excited i was happy, we became best friends, but she made me hate myself even more, after when she get to know that i was too dumb she made me realize it, she used to say that you are too dumb , no one likes you, and cause of that no one wants to be friends with me as well, so in grade 8 we were total strangers. ( so a quick note i studied in all girls school). So i was back to being a loner. In the end of class 8, my classmate asked me if she wanted to be friends with her and i did, she had one more friend and i felt out of space most of the time, we were in class 9 but i was in a different section. Class 9 i think was where i started having social anxiety, but i wanted to change myself and i started to interact to most of the class, and it put a difference as being too shy no one really knew me, but i changed myself, i started talking alot, many students still didn’t like me but some of them were okay with me, i won’t say they were the best but still it was okay. In class 10 i was in the same class as my two friends, our friendship was okay, but they were more close to each other than i was but we were still friends, in school people might have thought that our friendship was too good, but i used to overthink everything. In class 10 i experienced my first panic attack, it was the worst thing i have went through. We had a parent teachers meeting, and i was with my mom, we went to the class to meet my English teacher (she didn’t liked me) althought in class 9 my academic result had increased and i was one of the good students. So my teacher asked about my result and i don’t know what happened but i felt like someone has actually tied my heart with a thread and the knot is getting tighter, i wasnt really able to breath and i had to answer what my teacher asked and out of the space i just said i failed cause i really thought that i might have fail, and she started saying everyone in my class has got in 90s and you failed? She opened her register, my eyes were teary and my mom was staring at me, the teacher said, you got full marks and i was like totally blank i just wanted to leave the class but i didn’t know what to do, my teacher might have understood me by face as she told me that you can leave but i just know that it was one of the worst experience of my life and its even so embarrassing for me, i told my mom about it and she said its okay, it happens sometimes.

Okay, so now for the high school you  actually have to wait 4 months for the result so, my father wanted me to join the coaching before getting my result, most of the students do this as they dont want to waste there 4 months, my elder sister did the same, but i needed a break from everything and i was happy i won’t ever go to the same school again, so i said no, obviously he wasn’t happy, they were worried about my future,but i needed a break after spending 10 years of my life in that school. So i wasted that 4 months watching series or sleeping. I also experienced weird things , i used to wake up with tears in my eyes and used to cry all day without any reason. I got my result i passed with A grade but i didn’t get into a nice college cause for that you need to get A plus, so my high school life wasn’t the way i predicted, it was quite depressing, in grade 12 i started self harming and i actually stopped myself after months and i am quite proud of it….i still get these thoughts but i get through it……so i passed my high school with B grade in 2020 and i was okay with it cause i was expecting much worse….i enrolled my self into a college for my bachelor’s in conputer science….and i just gave my 1st semester exams….which wasn’t so great….in this college i actually talk alot to everyone and laugh alot, everyone considers mt the most cheerful person in class…. i know i an faking it but everyone likes me….i also like this guy who obviously dont like me i think he is into one of my friends, she is really beautiful tho…..now i really want to be myself the way I was younger, the shy quite girl who doesn’t care about others but my insecurities bought me here…..where i just want to end me…..but i won’t…..i believer it takes time to heal and if I’ll give my best people will like me…..yeah i might be an attention seeker, but now i just want to be me i will heal myself by accepting and loving myself….i wantef people to love me but now i want them to love and accept me for who i am…..

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