“Where are you?”, this is the kind of a conversation i have with myself every morning , my mornings have become so tough, this is what happens after 5 years of running a community based organisation that supports survivors of sexual violence and human trafficking, you carry their stories with you, and at after sometimes, you start believing that the world is so cruel and shut the doors to receiving the goodness of the universe.
This is what i did, this is what i have done to myself, after years of chasing healing, January 2025 came as a heavy transition for me; I turned 30! 3 children, an organisation thats struggling to raise resources and a soul that was too tired to do anything, but who taught me to rest? Fatigue did, and on 19th January 2025, i found myself in a hospital bed in the evening, besides me 2 of the girls at our rescue shelter were standing, when i woke up there was a sigh of relief, and as they hugged me, one of them whispered ” Mam Pauline, you know that we love you , and it is okay to rest, you are our mother and we appreciate you”
I have never felt that vulnerable, what i was hiding from for 5 years happened, to allow myself become vulnerable to the girls, allowing my children to see me break, and allowing myself to be human, to feel, to accept and to let it sink. What followed is a series of therapy, this is the toughest task for me, to be guided through how to accept love, to not feel guilty when i wake up at 8am because i have to sleep for 8 hours, to let the organisation be managed with the amazing team that surrounds me and slowly letting go the need to control.
As the majority of people in the Cooperate world are doing quarter reports on performance, results and whatever indicators they have, i am taking a pause to reflect;
That has been a very chaotic quarter for me, but hey, “Half full glass” a term that my dear friend has made me sing in the toughest days, i have done my best to live, i have showed up for myself, felt every emotion, let go what i could and embraced the new version of myself, so many good things have happened, my children have been my greatest pillar of strength, i have a community that embraces me, pushes me to be accountable and i started going back to the gym.
It is the little things for me; and when i am asked, “How do you come back from a mental breakdown that is meant to kill you?” my answer is simple
You come back slowly
graciously
with so much love for yourself
with gratitude
embracing the community of support that sorrounds you
holding every moment with so much appreciation
And reminding yourself
You are a PHOENIX
From the ashes
WE RISE!
~
Photo credit: Images provided by the storyteller.
