Dedication: To the Victims out there now, I’m sorry I wish I could save everyone, and my other dedication to those Survivors that are still hiding.
Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it includes references to childhood mental, physical, and sexual abuse.
BREATHE! Ok, Hi my name is Jovi, I’m 37yrs old and the week of Thanksgiving I was pushed to my breaking point in my life where my body never felt this kind of pain that deep in my soul I you just wanted to just rip all of my insides out and my skin too cause at this point I started having flashbacks of my childhood. One particular nightmare that replays over and over again to the point where my body feels warped into time when I was 4yrs old. That’s the day half my soul died and the other half became a hostage. From the age of 4yrs old til I was 8yrs old, I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by My Devil(Aka my creator cause he’s doesn’t deserve the title) so after 30 some years I finally ended my silence. My whole life I didn’t know there was long term effects or didn’t even know how serious he damaged me. I know, I feared for my life cause he would always tell me “I will kill you and your two brothers!” Not only did I fear and was so petrified of him, but stripped me from who I could of been, took my childhood, and my womanhood, felt like it was my fault, ashamed, embarrassed, and was just this little girl who wanted to Die cause those years were the most horrible years of my life. Only reason why i’m probably still alive cause my mother, I feel she has been along my side this whole journey, she was taking away from me at two and half cause it was closed as a “”suicide?”” but found out the truth about that and need to get justice for her also! Past few weeks have been so overwhelming and a breakthrough for me EVERYTHING hit me like a train. Researching my history of being sexually abused and all the other abuses and I’m suffering from what I read Complex Child Post Traumatic stress Disorder and hyperventilating, flashbacks, headache cloudiness, feel like a got an ear ache, and also depression, and anxiety. Dealing and Coping and after the research I’ve surrendered and decided to reach out for help cause I thought I could overcome myself and this is something you can’t just lock it up and forget. Learning the hard way, thought I had this but NOPE, I’ve been numbing and pretending it never happened. I’m so freaked out and screaming still inside to get out. Had probs getting help with my insurance and almost lost hope cause there’s not enough help, I’ve also been looking for Survivors or groups like me to talk too. Its been a lonely world feeling like it was all your fault and didn’t want to be marked as a daddy F*****! Not having no one to understand or share their story with, After ending my silence it felt good cause over 30yrs is a lot to hold in and try to forget. I just wished I was more AWARE and felt safe telling anyone but he still haunts me and I got a crisis line for counseling and asked if I was pressing charges and I said yes. As of Nov 11, 2019 I jus made history for my life cause I never thought I see this day would come cause I was sure I’d be too scared to see him. He’s the Boogie Man that has been haunting my life and I’m ready to take a stand and my war is heading this way very soon so time to put my Warrior face on and pray like hell! I’m READY, not READY, but got no choice cause I’m fighting for my life and taking back what was mine so I can free my soul, my inner child, and myself! In My Story the Devil Dies and I finally get to be free and get the treatment I need to heal and recover from this wound to be a healthier for my daughter! I’m in a dark place right now still praying and believing that I will Conquer this Devil and he’s gonna put up a fight so seeing him is gonna be one of the toughest thing i’ll overcome but I’ve survived this far and long to give up so I’ll see you Devil cause you no longer own me, control me, or scare me(well I do but, shhh!) My poker face! So that was just bits and pieces to My Story, sorry I’m a horrible story teller, writer, or speller. My whole life I shut the world out my life was a loner cause everyone I ever loved or loved me dies and if it wasn’t for my daughter I wouldn’t be here. I’ve always thought about suicide since I was a little girl, I feel like I don’t belong I’m not accepted, who am I, why can’t I be loved and have a family like everyone else then I received my daughter that made my life have meaning and still am lost about reasoning here but I think I Do know why. Sounds corny but I believe my reasoning was to inspire others like me, not to be scared no more they can’t hurt you and don’t let our Monsters win, we have power, we are strong, you made this far not as a Survivor but a FREAKING WARRIOR! You are strong, courageous, brave and you will conquer if you can end your silence and start getting treatment. Our lives matter too please don’t let them win! Thanks for time and hoped it helped someone out there ???????? Prayers to all, who are prisoners to their monsters and prayers to those scared to come out of hiding. Don’t wait too long to get treatment! And prayers to myself to give me strength not to let him see me hurt when I face my Demon! Follow me on Pinterest: Survivor in Training on the Road to Healing/Recovery. The page is about awareness, the long term effects, and my thoughts and feelings through life and my perception of my Devil!????????????????
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Photo credit: Image courtesy of storyteller.
