Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions and details of self-harm.
Tw*self-harm* please do not harm yourself in any way I want to tell you my story of why I self harmed*
In September of 2022 I had taken a pair of sharp tweezers to my thigh pushed down and quickly scraped my thigh created bright red marks and I did it maybe like 15 times and after I cried myself to sleep, I had gotten like a rough sharp file thingy and it had 2 sharp rough ends I had thought this would do and tried it again on the same thigh In my head I started thinking fat, worthless, stupid, pig, animal, beast, whale anything and anything mean anyone had said to me I thought it and didn’t stop until I felt it was good, by the time I had stopped my thighs were red and bloody but not like covered just droplets and I thought how am I going to hide this maybe I should clean it though. A day-ish later the marks were starting to disappear but hurt so I did it again thinking why did god decide this was the life for me and after that breakdown I had cleaned it up put on sweats and went to sleep, it was maybe a week later all throughout the week I harmed myself here and there, I had found a eyeliner sharpener and said 2 blades wow one is used for eyeliner the ones one isn’t used at all so I unscrewed the blade and held it in my hand and thought why am I doing this and then I felt a pain not like a cramp or anything my heart hurt my body hurt my head hurt it was almost as it it was saying to take the pain away and so I pressed it to my thigh and made a cut I was scared about going too deep so I went likely and it tickled I went deeper and it stung I know now what I was doing wasn’t the right answer but i felt so numb when I was in the moment it didn’t feel like everything was on my shoulders so I did it again and again i did it about 6 times then stopped, I began to feel light and my head started to hurt and I felt like I was going to pass out so I sat down and stopped the bleeding even though I didn’t want to stop it I did and I guess it was a good thing to bc 5 min later my mom walked into my room. My life wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies I was bullied growing up by my so called friends and my moms fiancée my father was barely in the picture my grandfather is always angry and my sisters and I are always at work, my moms fiancé has *sa* me and I was told I was a liar. I’ve lost so many aunts uncles dogs and cousins to suicide, cancer, or trauma and I’ve lost respect and awareness of control and passion, I’ve had my heart broken and stomped on repeatedly for years and I still get questioned why I don’t want a relationship. I don’t like being touched, if you touch my legs you get kicked if you accidentally touch my legs ur fine my arms, back, waist and shit don’t touch please, I’ve been gripped and hit on I’ve seen shit I don’t want to see hear shit I don’t want to hear I kill myself everyday working and cleaning and dealing with customers who try and make my day bad, I just need a vacation and get away think to myself for once.
Thank you for reading if you made it and read it please remember you are loved even if you don’t think it you are someone in the world loves you if you haven’t met them look for them if you have I’m happy for you don’t take my story has something you can use against yourself I just wanted to let people know they aren’t alone I’ve been there you are seen and you are heard!
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Photo credit: Image provided by the storyteller.
