Dedication: To my daughters.
The Beauty????and Thrills????of Childbearing! An unbridled tale!
Motherhood for me begins with child bearing that is equivocal to an action thriller script. I am the main character and trenching through a deep tunnel called, La Maison of Adventure!
It all begins with one glorious moment where I am in the process of ionization, while simultaneously, suffering a speech impediment and motionlessness. My emotions are inexplicable as I venture through to regain my cognitive processes. I Immediately realize that I am first handedly procuring the evidence that explains how every form of energy, light, sound, heat and motion apprehend the infinite point where relevance of space and time are revocable. Fusion has conquered and takes its place to claim yet another galactic crown. I am the honorary guest as well as a witness to this joyous occasion. There are bounds of claps and hurrays that are heard ringing everywhere in the universe! I am in total awe that I have just conceived!
There is a swirling gush and without notice fusion places a sanction and host is occupying my innermost circumference. The thrilling moment is now in slow motion and translating into a black hole. What is unknown to me at this point is, this new host has one objective. To alienate me from all my organs and their systems while initiating new directives that are only in conjunction to the one and only host, The Cell aka Alien Invasion. My experience in the first few weeks of pregnancy!
My response is to have a strategy in place that secures my organs and their systems in position. At the moment, combative and retaliative aptitude is quantifiable. I activate the mission at hand by engaging all functioning systems in a battle of the Wills. I give myself a pat on the back with a wide grin on my face and a dance in my step, I repeat these words; the mission is going to be successful with no defection status. And my strong will swears as if talking back to me, no worries here, relax there is no secession or flying the white flag.
Little do I know that the victor has already been sequestered and I am swimming in my own emotional tidal wave of vulnerability. First trimester, I think to myself, I am a champ!
So for the remaining months I solely disregard every sign that points me to waving my white flag and surrender my Will. With every breathe in me I refuse to succumb to a hostile takeover brought about by this alien invader.
Admittedly at this point,I am no longer in ownership status of my body, emotions or decision making of my comings or goings. I can just feel myself hopelessly drowning as I watch my organs and their systems synchronously abandon my fort. They are now in full function at the command of the alien. Regardless of my best efforts, I am beginning to resemble a baby hippo!
The initial war is relative to the thermostatic wheel adjustor that has to mimic attic temperatures or better. Like I said before, I have lost some systems in the course of this war and homeostasis happens to be one of them. I have been left defenseless to adaptability. The long summer days are closer to the seventh ring of hell. My body is unquenchable even a prolonged ice bath is unable to repair the injustices and doing more harm than good. I wag my tongue like a hound dog ears clenching my teeth at this invisible alien as the months roll by!
I am determined at all cost with every means necessary to distract myself from any imminent threat. I achieve this by indulging myself in the so called healthy meals. By this time my palate has also been hijacked and defected to the other side. So I examine these semi exotic dishes that are alien based and foreign in sight as well as in taste. I self talk and approach eating in the same manner as an exercise routine. Like an athlete that is mentally preparing for a competition, I harness my skewed technique to no avail. It takes me a little more than three hours to finish my breakfast, so now all three meals including snacks time are overlapping and my poor hippo hands are always clutching a plate. I feel chained to this routine and desperate for freedom. I still tell myself that this is the picture of winning and not whining. What a crock. I am by the way seven months in!
Occasionally I have the leisure of stroking my ego with my daily intakes and detailed notification of how to frustrate the alien’s happy hour. Such as constantly reminding the alien invasion that occupational status are temporary. Permanent residency has no stake in this new found region. For now my new goal is to thwart any proposals of an overstaycation aka overdue. My voting rights have been revoked and reduced to a spectator. My Yea or Nays do not count and like a poster child, I match on and keep up this so called good fight!
I sadly observe as other objects around the house escape or take cover as I waddle from room to room. In search of I do not know what I am looking for once I get there, I suffer a brain freeze. The bathroom scale is no exception to this blow outs and due to multiple weight fluctuations throughout the course of a day, it has become a casualty of war. Making an annoying high pitched beeping sound then proceeds to smoke like a chimney once I step on it. I shake my head and waddle back to my station and ponder the variances of my weight gain. I comfort myself by dismissing the outliers as water weight. Now looking back to that so called indescribable moment of fusion and host deposition, I am re-thinking the whole ordeal. This is just months of alien occupation talk, I think!
I swear on a stack of books that my organs and their systems have been paid off and are vacationing in Jamaica. All my intentions and purposes are highlighted as futile and sealed as defective status. My thoughts serve me otherwise, like a scavenger, I hunt my thoughts for further tactful moves but the white flag is fast approaching. I am relentless not only to finish the race but my Will to prevail!
So I refrain from stretching my energy any further and conserve it for the final battle, so I think to myself. Definitely energy has not defected or has it. Both of us were hand in hand, dancing at the creation of this new cell that has now evolved to complex organism with a coding system that even I am incapable of deciphering. Despite of my sophisticated and stalwart background in computational schema, I am at my knees again and this time I can clearly see my strong will is adapting to a submarine temperament. Momentarily coming up for air with absolution of engagement. I am convinced that the alien hostile takeover is already in full effect!
My vibrant personality has been dissected to so many pieces that I have to regroup my thoughts every time for a simple conversation. Undoubtedly I still possess my antiquated deductions that are of no help at this time. My messaging system is so delayed and unable to the differentiate between voluntary and involuntary actions. I remember lifting up my leg to take a short step and I can feel my upper body is in forward motion while from the waist down, no movement. Dissonance is now apparent and undeniably so. I can no longer pretend that I am stationary and couch bound until this alien is served with an eviction notice. The ordeals surrounding my final week before I fly the white flag.
The painful conclusion of divide and conquer of my organ systems has prevailed against my best tactics. I agonize over the thought that I ignored the warning signs. I lost the battle of the Wills before it even began. The very instant that I was celebrating as a guest of honor, I was actually witnessing my will being enthralled and incubated as fusion was taking place. So all the excitement, pats on my back and thinking to myself that I am winning were a total mirage. This includes efforts indulging my ego by investing in sleepiness nights searching through library materials of ways to regain control of my organs. This too was frivolous. I have been duped by an alien whose schema is far advanced yet I had the home court advantage.
Now as I lie here starring at the scalpel with no fear, I surrender and I raise high my white flag. As my thoughts attempt to race and my breathing becomes more faint, all I can repeat are these words; the alien’s Will has prevailed and I have seceded with no alliance or allegiance of my own organ systems rather a shadow of invariable deductions…
My eyes struggle to focus on a glimmer of light from a distance and the voices around lack cohesion.
Then like the ringing of a bell, I hear its a healthy baby girl weighing at 10lbs 4oz and 24in long. As I held the alien invader closer to my chest, I feel sooo much warmth and her beautiful soft and subtle sounds fill the room with waves of different light. What had seemed as an emotional thriller immersed in misery, agony, nightmares is now a speck and drowning in the ocean of love and joy. In an instant I know she is infinitely mine!
Chemically bonded, emotionally connected, anatomically and physiological integrated. No longer an alien but a miniature me. All I could utter is my own name back to her, Njeri, Njeri wakwa! And because you are glorious and tranquil, everyone else shall call you, SHEKINAH!!! And my eyes close up asleep again just to soak in this moment…
Now you would think after such a tumultuous ordeal, I would barely return to La Maison of Adventure. Surprisingly, seven years later, I fall prey to the entire process of ionization. This time a gorgeous 12lbs 23in long whopper of a baby girl is born! However, she opts to reserve some of her alien gene. As the nurse hands her to me, I swear she smoking three cigars all at once. I can hear the wind chimes outside clanging so the nightmare continues…
I take a deep breathe and ignore the flashing sign showing there is a new sheriff in town. I hold her tight and whisper My Afua! Seriously pronounced just like the Italian Mafia gang! And for rest of the world shall call you, Fifi!!!
I live in a well fortified castle with a white flag flying high at the pinnacle. Like a light house, it can be seen by many approaching land from sea. While some may view this as an imprisonment, they fall short of understanding the Paradox of Motherhood. A prisoner infinitely indulged with boundless bonds of love, laughter and joy!
#happymothersdaytoall!
???? please stay tuned for our postpartum segment to be soon featured here!