From 2000-2009 I was in a weird, I’m not me place….. 1st marriage ended after 14 months….Never really fixed the “why” I was where I was and how I felt about things after it ended….2004 I met husband number 2….We married in September 2005 and moved from North Carolina to Florida (he was in the Air Force and we moved to a new base). (I’m originally from Indiana and had moved to North Carolina with husband number 1). At first I thought the things that were going on in our relationship were my fault – because that’s what he led me to believe. Name calling and not your normal name calling – names I can’t write here, constant yelling, giving me an allowance (even though I worked), belittling me about my looks and weight, calling my dad to “tell on me” for things that happened, telling me I don’t deserve things, comments about my college degree and that is was useless (I have a degree in education)…..I could go on, but I think you get the picture. In 2007 he left on his 2nd deployment to the Middle East….For 8 months I was “me” again – A friend told me that I had a backbone when he was gone and was an inch tall when he was home. He came home in October 2008 and things went from bad to worse…………… I finally realized that the way he was treating me was verbally and emotionally abusive and decided one day in January 2009 that I’d had enough…Well, I’d decided and then when I found out he had a girlfriend that solidified my decision. I filed for divorce (he had wanted one, but wanted to avoid lawyers since he really just wanted me to go away and to not have to pay). Once I filed, things went from worse to way worse. I lived with a friend in Florida for 10 weeks until I could get my dogs and leave to come back to Indiana…..It wasn’t all that pretty when I was in another state, but my lawyer handled it and things were over in January of 2010. I moved home in April 2009. I started running in June of 2009. Running became my therapy as I had 9 bad years to undo….I had 5 years of emotional/verbal ick to undo. Those country road miles became my therapy. I cried. I yelled at him in my head. It took me a good 18 months to undo it all. Some days it still creeps back into my head. I let it linger for a moment and then I move on. It doesn’t define me. Other things define me – Running, sewing, and the love of my dog and husband, my love of Brooks Running….and on and on. Running has been my saving grace. My therapy when needed. I also found a passion when I began to work with Girls on the Run of Northwest Indiana – How I wish the program had been around in the late 80s when I was in elementary school. I might have found my voice then….and not had 9 years of “I’m not me”….. However, I’m glad that I can help the girls of today find their voice and their me and their passion.
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