Adulthood Before Childhood

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood rape and other experiences of sexual assault.

She doesn’t know what the definition of happiness is. When she smiles, she questions if this is what happiness feels like? She has known the patterns of her happiness, it comes in rare patterns. She has been comforted by the darkness, that she pushes light away. She rather feel pain, then temporary relief. Why is this?

As a child, pain was her pleasure. As a child, pain was love. Physically a child, but mentally an adult. Physically in pink, but beaten til red. Visually innocent, but sexual experienced. First childhood memories, tainted by adults’ personal pleasures. Waking up to cater to those who needed relief. Feeling disgusted as they felt ecstasy. A face of disaffection, while their faces showed satisfaction. What was wrong for her, felt right for them. What hurt for her, felt comfort for them. A routine that carried out for many years. She became numb to her own thoughts and feelings.

As a teen, physical pain was an emotional Vicodin that eased her mind. As a teen, beatings were love. Physically a teen, but mentally an adult. Physically maturing, but mentally decaying. Visually angry, but tired of all the abuse. Her teenage memories, tainted by adult’s personal pleasures and gains. Still she continues to cater to sexual needs of those she loves. She continues to bleed until the anger transfers from her loves one souls. Feeling disgusted to have become a woman before becoming a child. Her pleasure is self-harm. Her reason, might not make sense to you. She self-harms because she has control who marks her body. She self-harms because it temporarily takes her emotions away. She self-harms in hope that help will come. She self-harms because she is punishing herself for not being brave. She self-harms because she thinks its closer step towards death. A routine that carried out until she couldn’t anymore. As a teen, she moved out and became an adult to the world.

Now 35, her journey to self-recovery has been long and hard. She continues to stay in silence because those she cares about are around. She choices to stay within her limits. She stays silent because they didn’t believe her when she was young. She stays silent because a victim will always find a way to forgive. She stays silent because she has blocked most of the memories. She stays silent because she sees how happy her mother is. Through therapy and medication, she has been able to cope, but the pain continues to haunt her.

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