A Story and Message

I am still in the early stages of my life. I am only a Freshman in college at the moment, but I would like to share my story. My reasoning for this is to hopefully give someone else hope and desire to move forward. I admit that there are STILL days where I have a rough time and consider suicide. However, I overcome this by thinking about how lucky I am to have a roof over my head and food in my belly. Anyway, I am beginning this story from early childhood. From my childhood, I do not remember a lot. After the age of 10, do I begin to remember. Nevertheless, I have heard stories about my childhood. My mother and father were young when they had me, just 18 and 20. They had many issues and never married. We moved from place to place. My mother struggled with alcoholism and my father struggled with drug addiction. My mother left my father when I was 6 or 7. My grandmother decided to take me because my mother was moving farther away. I stayed with her for around a year. My mother then met my stepfather and I moved in with them. I hated my stepfather with a great passion before I realized that he wasn’t the instigator in the fights, and that it was my mother. My stepfather was and is a drunkard. He allowed my mother to become a major alcoholic. After a while, they decided to move out of town. They moved 15 miles from town and I ended up being homeschooled. My mother was not a good teacher and I didn’t do well. I was homeschooled for four years, from 4th grade to 8th grade. In that time, my mother and stepfather fought and fought and fought. Never was there a moments peace. I had no friends and I lived with alcoholic parents. I was a very sad little girl. I became depressed after my father died from a drug overdose when I was 11. I then tried to commit suicide by swallowing pain pills. Since I was young, I didn’t take enough to kill anyone. After my father died, my mother started to receive survivor benefits from social security. She got around $700 each month until I turned 18. My mother got these funds for 7 years and yet she didn’t set up a college fund or save any of it for my future. I only received the money for three months. I hated my mother so much for not saving any of it for my future. I worked for almost two years saving any money I could for my college education. My mother when she is drunk is violent. She picks a fight with everyone. She would fight with me all the time. We would argue and she would say horrible things to me. She made me feel worthless and that I would never amount to anything. I ate my feelings away. When I was sad, I would eat. When I was angry and bored, I would eat. At 12, I was 140 pounds. My mother would call me fat, dumb, and annoying. I ran away from home one night and I made it about a mile before I was picked up. I was taken to an older man and lady’s house. I had never experienced such kindness before. The lady actually called the police. I was driven home in a cop car. I gave my parents such a scare that they actually treated me well for a couple days. Then it all went back to hell. I endured it for many years. In the time between 8th grade and 12th grade, my mother has pushed me, choked me, and come at me with a knife. In the 8th grade, I began cutting myself. Which was undiscovered until I wrote a depressing poem on a piece of paper, with my name on, it that was found by the janitor. The school called my mother and we had a big fight over it. I have a strained relationship with my mother. My mother at one point yelled at me during a fight, “Your father didn’t love you, that’s why he killed himself.” My father did not commit suicide. I know this because he had a bus ticket in his pocket. My mother, father, and stepfather never graduated high school. My mother insisted on me having A grades all the time. I aced everything to evade her wrath, although it never was good enough. When I moved out from my mother and stepfathers house, I had never felt so liberated. I graduated high school with highest honors and I am in college acing my classes. I wanted to become someone that my parents never were. I am a biology major and I want to be a dentist. Financial stability is something I strive for because finances were hard with alcoholics. I am happy and I visit my parents every now and then out of necessity. They have hurt me more than they will ever know. My mother and stepfather are still alcoholics. My mother worse than ever before. I turned my life around for the better. I am out of that toxic situation and my mental health has never been better. I am struggling with my faith in God, if any faith is left. I was raised as a Christian by my grandmother. Through everything I have experienced my faith has dwindled. I do not believe God is real, if he was he would have proved it. If someone is struggling faith wise, my words will not help with that. Unfortunately, my stepfather quit his job suddenly leaving the entire family broke, I was the only one with money. They have taken almost $4,000 dollars to pay for bills and their drunkard habits. As of right now, I am still giving them money. I do not have a job, so I am struggling a bit financially. Despite this, I still have hope and I am actively job searching. I have scholarships and financial aid to pay for college. I will receive almost $2,000 my second semester from financial aid. My financial situation will be better when I receive that money. Since my stepfather is almost 60, he will be receiving $30,000 and I will be paid back. I hope that my story will help someone suffering like I did.