When I was 15

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains a description of childhood rape.

I was 15 years old when it happened.
At that point in my life, I drinking a lot, getting high most of the time. And I was already sexual active.

I went out that night to drink with friends. There was about 4 of us, 3 girls and one of my guy friends. We were at my friends home, we were all starting to get drunk. I decided to sleep with my Guy friend, so we went into the bedroom.

We were making out, laying in bed. I’m gonna be honest he was only the second person I would have slept with. So I wasn’t feel too comfortable, during mid-sex or just when we were about to start, I decided I didn’t want to do it instead. At that point we had already started. So he held me down and told me it was too late. And he kept going, I kept telling him I don’t want to do it instead but he kept going. I don’t remember much after. I’m I woke up in bed with him. I was hurting but At that point I didn’t really understand what had happened at first, he told me to clean myself up, and not to tell anyone what happened.

I went home, took a shower and there was blood. I wasn’t suppose to get my period yet. I still didn’t understand what had happened. I was in pain but my emotions were blank.

He texted me maybe a week or 2 later. Saying he wanted to hook up. I don’t know why I felt like I couldn’t say no. He came over, we had sex but I didn’t care much about it. I was blank. It went on like that a couple of times.

I felt like something wasn’t right but I kept telling myself, ok, I agreed to it . It was my fault. But I couldn’t shake the feeling. I drank more, got high more.

It wasn’t till I was married and an adult when it sank in, what had happened to me. Anxiety and depression came over me.

I am 26 years old now, I’m still struggling today, but I’m trying to fight. I know I am safe, and I am loved.