Dedication: People
Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of childhood sexual molestation and assault.
I was born in Italy but my parents are Chinese, everyone in my class knows me for me for my incredible english, even my teachers.
Either in Italy or China, i was so well known in my hometown, i was an extroverted person since everyone were my friends, but things don’t go always well.
When i was about 5 years old, i went to my cousin’s house, like normally but then, my cousin’s friend decided to you know… I was VERY confused so i didn’t know how to react, i told nobody.
Still now, he still lives close to my cousin, sometimes i can see him avoiding eye contact.
But still my memory was little so i don’t know if this is true.
This happened probably multiple times with multiple people.
But once, i knew THE thing, i was disgusted at myself for not being able to react to that.
After all of that, me and my friends went mountain climbing with a trustworthy friend of my dad, we had so much fun and guess what?
One day, we were at a park, i was on the slide sitting on his lap (I was probably 8) cause i trusted him, but then he put his hand inside of my pants and touched me.
I went to talk to one of my friend, she said that she got touched inappropriately by him too, funny how he was the neighbor of my cousin too. Haha.
Keep in mind, nowadays, i still didnt tell my asian parents since i don’t know how they’ll react since i’m only 13, i guess they’ll probably say (WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US EARLIER?)or call the police, i don’t want to make my father’s friend’s wife or kid upset OR the guy’s little brother.
Anyways, after all of those crazy things, i started to get addicted to the internet, seeing stuff that i shouldn’t be watching at such a young age, so i became an introverted person and stopped talking to all of my friends due to bullying, racism, ect..
Probably in 7th or 8th grade, i had a crush on this guy, he was blonde, charming, smart to the point that my classmates started calling him alien if he didnt get an A. I would blush or look away when he was around, or when he compliments me for being smart too.
(A habit of mine is that i turn my back or randomly talk to my sister pretending to search or look behind me when it gets awkward, when i get embarrassed or when a guy that looks intimidating that could be racist to me approaches).
One day, on a gym day, i was protecting my team even tho i was very bad at it, so my crush was on the enemy team and i had to block him.
After all that, we went to change back to our regular shoes, but then i heard my crush talk about me, i don’t know what he was talking about since my hearing wasn’t that good but it seemed like he was making fun of me.
I talked to my sister about it and my heart shattered, i thought to myself “what if he wasn’t talking trash about me?What if i misunderstood him and i’m the one at fault here?”. To this day, he’s still in my class, when we do group projects, i try to avoid him as much as possible but somehow we always end up in the same group.
The phone addiction got worse as i couldn’t stand a second without the phone in my hands, that’s why my mother had to confiscate my phone whenever i had to sleep.
Moving on, now’s the time i talk about my own family.
I used to argue with my sister, about who gets the best colour of everything (towels, toys, shoes), but we always there for eachother and forgave eachother. But then when i started to get angry easily, i blamed it on my sister and we kept fighting and i kept crying, screaming, hitting her.
But now, i figured out that it wasnt her that developed it, it was genes, my dad probably has anger issues ( not self dignosing, we never to therapists, psychiatrists, ect..)
I apologized to her and now we fight less.
That anger didn’t disappear tho, i get angry easily, hit random things, even burst into tears.
My dad, he’s the worst to be honest.
Everything started when i got phone addicted and when my little sister was born (i’m the middle child), he started caring about her more and always made excuses.
He asks me to translate when we have to go to a important place like the dentist of something, but whenever i hesitate, he always says (oh, you’re so shy,why are you so shy).
I was and AM not shy, i’m just afraid that if i said something wrong to a person, they would look at me AND other people around would too, i would get embarrased and when i had to repeat 3 times to my dad, i would get pretty mad.
My family keeps shaming me, for my acne, hair and other stuff (they even gossip to their friends about me) to the point i get very insecure.
When i bursted into tears one day because he scolded me, i talked back and i got angry because i forgot the password to the SPID account because i changed it (even tho it was months later, it was my parensts responsibility to remember it and they could’ve reset the password), my dad, instead of comforting me, he said “stop crying, you’re literally 13 now”, but when i talked back, he scolded me.
Today, he scolded me because i didn’t go downstairs with my siblings because it was VERY windy (even tho my mother told us not to go),when i got angry he said “don’t get angry bruh”, and because he said we had to grab the clothes from outside since it probaby would rain and when i replied “i know”, he said “oh, what do you know, huh?” and started pushing me to the balcony.
He calls me lazy(reasonable but hypocritical) , ugly, stupid, but when me and my older sister accomplish things, he starts to say “oh, you didn’t do that, i don’t believe you”.
When he calls me from another room and i reply LOUDLY, he stays quiet for a bit and i keep saying “what?”, he starts to scold me for not replying.
Oh, and when i talk back to him and says something that is right, he always brings up things that arent related and starts lauging and using that “uh huh, yeah” face that makes me want to punch him in the face so bad.
That’s the end.
This story my not be inspiring but i feel like talking back to parents feels good.