Channelling trauma into LGBTQ+ Community support

Dedication: Dedicated to my Rainbow mom, Noock.

I grew up in an extreme catholic military family with a Chinese father and an American mother. I spent my entire life in the closet, My whole life i was subjected to hearing the trans and homophobic comments passed at the dinner table on how wrong it is and not natural, against gods will. I knew there was something different about me from day one, i didn’t fit into my gender roll and i didn’t like boys the way i should. It took up until 16 when i fell hard for a bisexual girl to figure out my sexuality, it took me until i was 25 to start dressing the way that matched my gender expression and until 27 until i came accepted myself as gay and non-binary.

The first thing my mother told me when she ransacked my room to find my diary was “It’s not right, i don’t want to see it, i don’t want to be a part of it, I’m not going to tell you which lifestyle to choose, but i want you to know i don’t approve”. My father disowned me and the last thing he said to me before i escaped to Sweden was “You are no daughter of mine, you will die for your sins, i will see it done.”

I rebuilt my life in Sweden knowing nobody and having no LGBT+ community around me, i fell trap to a very abusive platonic relationship, it was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive with amounts of control that made life unbearable, slowly turning to physical violence towards me. As i tried to explore who i was and my coming out process i was faced with daily trans and homophobic verbal abuse from this person i was manipulated into thinking loved me. The abuse got drastically worse when i got a girlfriend and dated her openly in public. I ended with me cutting off all contact with this person, but the trans and homophobic verbal abuse did not stop, multiple police reports and no support at all i was experiencing threats against me and my now ex-girlfriend life all because i fell in love with someone of the same sex. I experienced from the police an attitude change that left me feeling like i wanted to throw up. When i told my story of abuse i was experiencing i used gender neutral pronouns, i was taken seriously and they started writing a report. I slipped up and used the pronoun she, the entire body language on the police officer changes, she questioned me directly “wait you said she, a woman?” I responded with yes and tried to proceed with explain my abusive situation. She immediately stopped me and responded with, we have enough for now, we will call you. I was in shock and tried again to continue, to which i was shut down and shown the door.

I have been fired shortly after revealing i am trans to my bosses, to which i secretly recorded the conversation asking what was the reasoning behind letting me go.

In my school i have experience transphobic teachers and students that refuse to use my pronouns and constantly misgender me despite being corrected.

I am on a wait list for lifesaving gender confirming treatment that has a queue time of 28 months just to meet a doctor before you even get an investigation for someone else to decide if you are in fact transgender or not, which impacts whether you get the treatment you desperately need based on their decision of who you are.

I am placed on the watch list for a couple of years now because i am high risk suicidal beacuse i can not live in a body that doesn’t fit me. I am no longer able to keep knives or sharp objects in the house because i have tried and my ex girlfriend has had to stop me from removing my breasts myself.

The mental health system can not treat me because they have no knowledge of transgender issues, i was told when having a panic attack to take a shower, which would only make the gender dysphoria worse and increase my self harm behavior.

Despite everything i have been though and i am still currently going though, i channel all the hurt and pain into starting my own non-profit organization for LGBTQ+ people here in Sweden. There is not the support or resources to help LGBTQ+ people so i am giving all my time and effort to give back to my community, to create the space i needed and never got though out my life. I never had the person i needed, so i decided to become the person for the LGBTQ+ children in my town that they need. No one was there for me, so i am doing everything in my power to be there for someone else and if i can make just a tiny difference then i will consider it a win. Through my pain brings my drive and the RegnbågsCafé Kristinehamn Ideell Förening was born.

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