Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains details of attempted suicide and self-harm.
On November 18, 2019, I attempted to kill myself I was in a very dark headspace where I felt as if I wasn’t good enough, that nobody loved or cared about me. The night before (November 17, 2020) it hit midnight I had got out of the shower and got dressed, I sat in my bed and out of nowhere I started having an anxiety attack and I was used to having the attacks but It was months since I had got one so it took me by surprise and I usually don’t do anything to help it go away I just let it happens they usually only last 10-15 mins but that day it went on for at least an hour or more it was so long I lost track of time. So in having the attack For so long and being in a dark place at the same time… I decided to help myself to make everything stop make everything go away at that moment I didn’t want to feel anything I felt numb to everything. First I started off with just cutting my arms as a way of having control of the pain as I would usually do but it wasn’t helping so I did something else. I got up from my bed went to the kitchen opened the cabinet where my mom keeps all of the pills in and I grabbed a bottle of **** and a pack of ****. The bottle was filled up to the top and the pack was new it only had 6 pills inside. I took 25 pills of **** and 5 of ****. From that moment I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than to pretty much die just end everything. As soon as I took the pills I started to feel tired and my eyes felt heavy I didn’t even notice when I fell asleep, but the moment I woke up the first thing my body did was try and help me by making me throw up all the pills I took. It was like 4:30 in the morning and I was in my room throwing up all the pills I took. After I stopped I went back to sleep just too wake up at least 30mins later to throw up again. After that o completely stopped throwing up only to wake up in the morning sweating, pain in my chest not being able to breathe or talk. Foaming out the mouth trying to wake my little sister up so she could get help as soon as she woke up I managed to get the word out to say ”M I’m dying go get help” she gets up and runs to get my mom, my mom runs to my room to find me face down in my bed crying in pain and to see the pill bottle on the floor. She calls an ambulance and try’s to help me throw it all up but nothing was working the ambulance gets to the house and tries to help me up to get me in a wheelchair to take me to the hospital. Once I got to the hospital the put me an I.V. that would melt all the pills from my body system different doctors came to speak to me on what happened to me most of them were just happy I was able to get to the hospital before It became a severe overdose. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days where I was on three different types of I.V. To flush the pills out of my body. It was hard to sleep and breathe after. I was only on the i.v. For two days the first night, I was only allowed to eat liquid foods like soups but after That, I was fine to eat whatever I wanted on the third day in the night they sent me to psych for a whole week where I would to all to a doctor where she said I have Anxiety and Depression, which is common for most teens but going there didn’t help in anything you have no connection to the outside world. No phones no nothing. They had a tv there but whatever was on was what you had to watch you didn’t really have a choice it was either that or play board games. The hardest thing for me to do in there was sleep I would be up for hours and when I finally went to sleep I would just have flag backs to what I did and think. You were allowed visitors but family only and you were allowed to wear your own clothes but still being stuck in there felt like a prison, I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life but in doing that it’s been a big wake up call even though sometime I don’t wanna be here anymore I just think of all the thing I would be missing out on, and the things life might have planned for me whether their good or bad.