Somehow, I survived

Dedication: To anyone who has ever walked through Hell From someone who nearly didn't come back

Trigger warning: Before reading this story, please be aware that it includes a description of childhood rape and assault.

For years, it felt easier to just rewrite the story. Hmm, ok it was a dream. Nope it didn’t happen. Maybe it was consensual. Ok let’s go with that!

But, if you get where this is going, it’s pretty clear that wasn’t the case. The truth is, well a bit darker than that.

I was 12 when I went through something no one should ever go through. True fear is going to war with your own mind everyday. True fear is knowing you’ll probably die at 12 years old.
Your only choice is being given a quick death or being butchered until there’s nothing left.

When someone holds a gun up to you and there’s nobody around, you do what that person says. You get in that car. You’re scared, you know there’s no escape. You do what they say when they tell you to take your clothes off.
You try to scream, but nothing comes out. You’re paralyzed and your limbs will not obey your command. While some sicko is groping every inch of your skin. Pointing the tip of a knife against your bosom. It works its way down. It points into you. You don’t struggle knowing you’ll bleed more than just your monthly due. You smell vomit. Sweat. Booze. You just pray it’s over, a quick shot to the head. You dare not move as the knife is now at your neck. You feel an icy hand inside you. Then the thrusting. That’s fear.

You don’t know fear until you’re paralyzed, naked, with the tip of a knife caressing your bits, beyond hope that you’ll make it out alive.

Okay, now onto depression. To sum it up, it’s basically like a demonic possession movie that’s actually happening and there’s no break. You’re on autopilot. Constant voices. Intrusive thoughts. Extreme emotional roller coaster. Horrible nightmares. Basically you are going crazy. Just listen to some death metal and you’ll have a basic crash course on what people with depression go through on a daily basis.
It took me a while to recover.(over a year) But I did. That’s my message. Don’t give up no matter how bad it gets. You’re not crazy. I used to think that if people knew how “messed up” I was, they would run away. That I’d be put away in an insane asylum with the people who think aliens are here to kidnap them.

That’s not the case. I’m doing just fine if I don’t say so myself. And whatever it is I went through, I overcame. Yeah, I’m scarred for life and have horrible memories, but I’m stronger than whatever tried to kill me. And so are you.

I don’t think I’ll ever be “over” what happened to me, but I learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought possible. No matter what it is you went through, you will get through it.

I know that no one can take my pride or my strength away from me, that’s mine forever. I’m not going to be defined by my past, but by who I’m choosing to become. I’m now taking full IB, hoping to one day be accepted to West Point or Annapolis. My dream is to protect everything my flag stands for and be an inspiration to others. That’s my survivor story, I shared it because I want others to know that they are not alone. But more importantly that they are not broken.

I’m a survivor, not a victim.