sexual assault.

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood sexual assault and descriptions of self-harm.

i just want someone to know, someone random to just read and know what happened.

i was nine years old walking back from primary school I got in flicked my shoes off by the front door and went upstairs I was getting dressed when my brother came in, he would sit on my bed and I would tell him to get out and he just wouldn’t move he would sit and watch till I was dressed then I would sit down on my bed and he would start touching me I didn’t know what was happening it didn’t feel right but I didn’t know what to do scream, shout I was so scared of what he would do if I spoke or screamed for help, so I just let it happen and he would be a step away from my door when he’d whisper to me “tell anyone and ill kill myself and I’ll blame you, I’ll blame you for my death” I sat there and waited for him to walk out and shut my door before I burst into tears. this would repeat everyday. one day I just had enough I was starting to hate my body hate my reflection in the mirror hate everything about me so I would go into the bathroom grab a blade and start cutting whilst my tears fell onto my legs and into my cuts as they bled, it stung and it stung bad but I covered it up and put a smile on my face and everyone thought I was perfectly fine this whole thing just kept repeating for a good 5 years. one day, he went out and did drugs and got drunk he showed up at my nanas house shouting what he had did to me, shouting that he was gonna hang himself my nana phoned my dad and my dad went down there with my mom as they call the police. the police called me asking me a bunch of questions to then say that they needed to speak to me in person I had tears in my eyes loosing my breath from holding them back I said “yeah sure” gave them my address and they came at around 11pm asking me more and more questions, asking me to draw my layout of my room where he did it, what I was wearing ect. they proceeded to say “we’d like to see you at the station so you can give up a recorded interview” so the next day I got up and went I was nervous I was scared with what was going to happen. they asked me question after question till about 45 minutes later I was done I had my phone back and I was on my way home. i did all of that to protect me, my little sisters and everyone else just for the police lady to say “he won’t be coming back to your house but we can’t arrest him with no evidence on what he did to you” I cried and cried till my eyes were so red. what proof was I supposed to get as a clueless 9 year old girl up to the age of 14? anyways no one gets how I feel they don’t understand when I say I feel he’s hands on my body. they don’t understand any of it NOT ONE FUCKING BIT. I’m so tired, tired of my own parents looking at me differently. I thought I was your little princess? what did I turn into a monster overnight? what happened? where did the sparkle go out of your eyes everytime I looked at you? why can’t anyone just understand IM THE VICTIM. I’m the one that went through all of it. I’m the one that cut themselves. that cry’s themselves to sleep. I’m the one that can’t look at themselves in the mirror without being disgusted. i just want my old family back. the family that loved me. the family that wanted to tickle me to death. the family that would get me involved with everything. now I’m just no one…to no body. now I’m not saying that if your a victim of sexual assault not to speak up. but I’m saying to speak up before it’s too late. before they see you as the monster. before everyone looks at you with disgust. just please speak up. no matter what they say FUCK THEM your the victim save yourselves not them.

I’m 15 now, still uncomfortable in my own body, still hate the way I look, still feel he’s hands on me, still getting therapy, still on anti depressants, still crying myself to sleep. i wish people could understand, I wish that I was happier.