Dedication: This is dedicated to all of the people who never gave up on me and were always there to remind me that I am loved and the world is better with me in it.
I want to start by putting up a trigger warning, my story talks about subjects that might be hard or triggering for some.
My name is Em and my battle with mental illness started at a young age. Growing up when my parents didn’t want me around they would lock me in a room or send me to their friend’s home where their son sexually abused me for many years. It wasn’t until I was able to move out of state that this abuse stopped, but sadly, the abuse from my parents kept on. I lost my sister at 5 years old and by the time I was 6 I was already plotting my death and feeling that the world would be better off without me, and I was only 7 when I hurt myself for the first time.
By the age of 16, I had attempted suicide several times and had been sexually assaulted by someone I thought was my best friend. On top of this, I spent most of my time outside or hidden to avoid the things going on in my own home. I spent so many nights planning my death and believing that if I was gone it would be better.
I eventually changed jobs and some of the people there quickly became my family, one of them, in particular, became like a mother to me. She invited me to her church and I started attending regularly, but I was still struggling. From the ages of 16-18, I had been in and out of hospital for self-harm and suicide attempts. I remember there being nights that I fought so hard to get away because I was tired of hospital. It wasn’t until an attempt that made me very ill and put me in the hospital that I realized I needed to do something different. My best friend at the time said to me “I want you to know, even if you hate me I will never give up on you. I truly think one day you can change lives with your story.” I cried. I didn’t understand. I had been broken from such a young age how could anyone think I could change lives?
After getting out of hospital I decided to start going back to church and eventually I got involved in youth ministry. I also was able to find an amazing therapist who has helped me learn what it means to fight, and to live a life that proves my parents wrong; that what had been said and done to me would no longer control me and I would prove their labels wrong. I also found that Genesis 50:20 became such a large part of my fight; it says “you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
I have been able to help students and show people that there is hope. Because hope is real.
I am now in college studying social work and leadership and I am involved in groups in my town and on my campus to help people and let them know they are not alone; that hope is real and they can get better.
-Em
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Photo credit: Image provided by the storyteller.
