Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains a description of childhood sexual assault.
Hi i am 26 year old this year and i am a girl. I just stated my age in the first line wonder why because it took me 26 years to tell what i have gone through to my dad and mom. This writing is not at all easy.
I will start when i was probably 4 years and i met one family member he was very old like 65ish he visited us twice or thrice in a year. He loved me so much that he called me nicely and said me to sit on his lap and offered me many chocolates then he just puts cushion on me so that no one can see me and him what he was doing, he started by inserting his hand in the top around my chest and then slowly he puts his hand inside my pants and vagina, “loved” what i stated in this line because i could not understand at that age what was good touch and bad touch. These things happened many times. I was in standard 6th when i started understanding what he did to me, then i was scared that how will i tell mom & dad, will they accept it or they will deny, that thing just grew more and more in me and i started getting depressed and scared from all the men’s and boys. “All men’s and boys are same” this thought scared me more.
That 6th standard was more depressing i could not study because of the flashbacks, that year he visited us and that scared me more he was sitting beside me, he touched me again and i could not say it again. Next morning i had my exam i was sitting in my examination hall and because of those scary days and flashbacks my answer sheet was empty. I visited the school with my mom and dad during result day and i got failed. Mom and dad were disappointed with my result because i have to repeat 6th standard. They thought what face they will show to the society and scolded me for the result. I got de-motivated more.
The reason i could not tell my mom and dad was the old man grandson are my best brothers till date too. Especially elder one he means the world to me now, then and always. I call him “machaa”. I thought if i tell that i got badly harassed they will cut the relations with them and i could not talk to him more. I have one sibling yonger to me my sister, but no brother so my “machaa” is there. i don’t want to lose him at any cost, i don’t know but there is very special bond and feeling when i am with him.
Sexual harassment phase that started scaring me more. Because of harassment i don’t want to break my dad’s relation too, he have one sister, so i don’t want to disconnect him always as i know what is the bond of brother and sister. Few years back when i was in 11th i detected with the diabetic problem too, sugar level got spiked and i got depressed more but that phase made my and dad bond stronger he just stated me “you are my first priority not your study” so work on your health first, he gave me the second life after my mum did. Doctor said me to take injections then he read so many research papers he met so many doctors, he prepared diet chart and exercise routine. We woke up at 4 in the morning for walk and exercise i remember and then in evening i did the exercise and we took a long walk in night after dinner. I took ayurvedic homemade medicines too after a month probably i was on line. Miracle for me without any medicines sugar level stabilised.
During my coaching and even during my college i was always scared with mens and boys i don’t have self confidence today too. I got comfortable in 3rd year of my college with my classmates took me 3 year. I have completed my architecture and practiced 1.5 years in other city and came back to home city again. In 2023 year we bought one cute dog his name is batku, just the bestest thing happened in my life, at times what i feel, he understands me so well. I just love him. He just heals me so well.
Today when u cannot share everything with your mom and dad and family i sit beside batku and cry. I wanted to share things with people but if the person is not interested it does not make any sense. In my family some of my cousins know what i have gone through but it’s easy for them to say go ahead don’t look backward. Harassment changed my life totally i don’t want to get married; i just want to stay with my mom and dad. It scares me when i stay without them. I just want that old man should be punished but he died. What i have learn through my life is start priorities yourself, i know relations matter the most but not before you. If i had told this to mom & dad at right time maybe i could not talk but how confident and motivated i would have been towards my life. Now i just try to cope up with my life, i want to do my best. Hope for the best.