My story is quite sad

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of childhood rape and sexual assault.

I can’t believe, that I’m sharing the only secret I have to the world. My story is quite sad, so you don’t have to read it. I just had it bothering me for a while. But anyways.

When I was 6 years old, I lost my virginity to my brother. Thinking about it again feels weird and disgusting, but I can’t keep it in anymore.

I remember when my brother and I were just little kids. We used to spend a lot of time together. We played games, hung out and just spent time with each other. Until that one night. My brother is 5 years older than me so naturaly the teenager years came first for him. I don’t know what happened to him, maybe then was the first he discovered porn and wanted to try it with somebody or maybe he just wanted to look “cool” to his buddies, but I think being an 11 year old and touching your little sister in that way is a bit sick. Our parents were the most loving people in the world, so mom and dad couldn’t be the reason behind him acting that way. But let’s return to the story. As I was saying, me and my brother were really close growing up, so sleeping in one bed no big deal as well. We were only kids back then after all. So while we were lying on the bed he finally asked me if I wanted to play a game. Being absolutely unaware of that simple question, of course I agreed. And when he said that the game was called ‘sex’, I felt really confused. Again, what would a 6 year old know..? I don’t remember everything too well, but I do know, that that night was certainly not the last he did it. I had to do such acts like porn stars would do, but without the actual sex in it. Every single time I did it, I stayed quiet. Not a sinlgle moan came out of my mouth. I never felt any plesure. Not only while doing it but also later. I believe he told me, I mustn’t tell all that to our parents, cuz’… it was a secret. And so I listened. One day, we were at our gandmas place and that was when my brother took it too far. He was doing the usual, disgusting things, until we somehow ended up with his penis between my legs. I’ve never felt more pain ’till this day. It was so bad that now I can’t imagine, how sex could feel good. And in my opinion that’s quite sad. Tho the good thing is, that was the only time he actaully put it in there. I think he later on did it for about 2 years, until the best thing happened. I got my period. Most girls hate it, but back then it was my only way of escaping that hell. I had to understand how baby making is actually done being 8 years old, so for him to continue doing that was just not right. That was the first time I said ‘no’ and with that he surprisingly stopped once and for all.

The joy and fun times together were now completely gone. We became so distant, it’s crazy. He now has a wonderful girlfriend and is a great person. He helped me when I needed it and honestly couldn’t be a better older brother. Not a long time ago I even forgave him (forgiving and forgetting are two different things to me). We never mentioned a word about those events, tho deep down, I know he regrets it and if there was a chance, he would apologize.

Thank you for reading my story. 🙂