My Life as a Girl

I always wanted to be that perfect child. Hi, let my name for time being me anonymous and I am from India. Basically, in India when a girl child is born or the gender of the baby when revealed turns out to a girl. The same way was my life. When my mom was pregnant having me as a baby, her mother-in-law asked her to get aborted and from that time my chances of not being alive were starting to be calculated. When I was born, my paternal grandmother did not like me. She did not even like to take me in her arms. While growing I could remember what all she used to tell me. When I was of 5 years, I wanted to watch my favorite show but my grandmother wanted to see a dramatic serial and I did not agree to change her the channel. For that reason, she scolded me, told me that I should be fed chili powder as food so that I could learn a lesson and tied me up in a room. My mom was not present at that moment. As soon as my mom came, she untied me and made me look as if nothing happened. I never stayed with her after that. After some years passed by like 7-8 years, my father and his parents got into some fight and decided to leave his parents. So I had to visit my grandparents only once a year. She used to hold my hand tightly and used to ask about my father and his details. Then I understood that she still didn’t change. And then I never visited her.

Now, as I am of 21 years, I face much more trouble than I have faced when I was a kid. In India, you are always compared to the other girls may be relatives or your neighbors or friends. And I am used to be compared with each and every girl. I am always compared to the way I look, the way I study, and the way I behave. I am a little chubby and constantly compared to other relative’s girls to look slim or otherwise, I have fewer chances of getting married and more chances of guys rejecting. In fear of that, I did love a guy, for a few months it was great, but after those months, the guy started body-shaming me he used to tell it is my luck that he loved me or else I wouldn’t get a guy as I was fat. I adjusted to whatever he said because of one reason that I loved him. But, after that he started abusing me for not giving him money, he started to abuse me even if I talk to a guy classmate for any project or work, he used to call me a prostitute. I couldn’t bear any more. I had to leave that relationship and hence I took the decision. I thought about my studies and career, wanted to be that perfect girl everyone would talk about.

Left my past, grew stronger, but after some days the guy started blackmailing me for money, or else he would get my family in trouble. In fear of that, I went into depression and could not control my mental health took steps to commit suicide but couldn’t because I wanted to live for my mother. I wanted to live so that I couldn’t let the other person win. I grew stronger, shared about my health with my dear ones. But unfortunately, I couldn’t grow more strong as my parents have also joined the club of comparison. Thought that they were telling me because they wanted me to have a good future. Saw my mother and father fight every time they used to talk about my future. I used to cry, thinking about all the negative things which happened to me from the moment when I was born and till now. Am I not allowed to live or make choices of the way I want my life to be? Can’t I become the perfect girl everyone wants to talk about?